Dear Alpo
Christopher L. Jorgensen1
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393
April 21, 2008
Alpo
c/o Nestle Purina PetCare Company
Customer Services
Checkerboard Square
St. Louis, MO 63164
Dear Alpo,
As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue.
Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with “Alpo for Senior Citizens?” With a properly blended formula it should not be difficult to achieve a nutritionally balanced diet for the elderly.
No more would they be forced to eat food meant for dogs. Instead, with pride, they could buy an affordable can of food meeting the best needs of elder care. After all, why should our pets fare better than our elders?
I hope you will consider this modest proposal.
Thanks,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
1[Author’s note: Originally this letter used my home address. Subsequent letters use my PO Box. I have used this address for consistency and to avoid confusion.
Sponsor:
Reply:
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393
May 5, 2008
Nestlé Purina PetCare
North America
OFFICE OF CONSUMER AFFAIRS
P.O. BOX 1326
WILKES BARRE, PA 18703-9985, USA
1.800.7.PURINA
www.purina.com
Dear Mr. Jorgensen,
Thank you for contacting the Nestlé PetCare Company. We always welcome questions and comments from our consumers.
Pet foods contain no ingredients that are harmful to people when ingested, however, we do not recommend people eating pet food. At this time Purina only manufactures foods for cats and dogs, and do not have any future plans to make human foods. However we will be happy to forward your comments to the appropriate departments for review.
Again, thank you for contacting Nestlé PetCare Company. Please contact our Office of Consumer Affairs in the future if we can provide additional assistance.
Sincerely,
[signed]
Sandy Seigfried
Pet Advisor
Ref: 17058919N
enclosure
CPA 2038F-05A6
Alpo website: www.alpo.com
Commentary:
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Christopher L. JorgensenPO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
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It was nice of them to include a lid to keep grandma’s Alpo fresh. When you get to be her age, you just can’t eat an entire can in one sitting.
It’s sad that no one gets a good Jonathan Swift reference these days. For your reading pleasure: A Modest Proposal.
Is it just me, or is it disturbing that the same company that makes damn good candy bars also makes dog food? Or maybe I got something wrong there. I do get confused a lot. I keep waiting for the one response out there that comes in, “You’re an ass. The proper authorities have been notified. Expect commitment papers any day now, jerk!” But so far Corporate America has yet to surprise me.
By Christopher L. Jorgensen
Website: http://jackassletters.com