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Dear Avery Soda

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393


January 8, 2009


Avery’s Beverages
520 Corbin Ave.
New Britain, CT 06052

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi!

But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not being allowed out of the state thing), so a tour is out for me. “How hard can it be?” I asked myself. And once asked I had to find out.

Damn hard is the answer! I’ve been following my cat around for 3 days now and haven’t managed to get even one 12 oz. bottle even a third full. Can you send me some tips on how best to do this? Do I just need more cats?


Thanks for all your help,


Christopher L. Jorgensen

Sponsor:

Reply:

Avery’s Beverages
520 Corbin Ave.
New Britain, CT 06052

“Quality Beverages Since 1904”


Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393


February 12, 2009


Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thanks so much for your letter regarding our Kitty Piddle Soda. I certainly can understand your tribulations in attempting to replicate our popular soda. We wouldn’t usually divulge our secret recipes and manufacturing methods, but your letter touched us and we decided to make an exception.

As you probably have discerned by now, you need more cats. The local animal shelter is a good source for additional felines, although there is some competition from the crazy cat lady and Mr. Lee from Peking Palace. Once you reach your critical kitty mass you need to work on hydration. We over saturate the little fur balls to the point that they slosh when they walk, giving the added benefit that they are much easier to catch in this condition. The next step is to have the cats ingest large quantities of sweets until their little pancreas’s shut down (this saves us the step of having to add additional sugar to the final product). The final step is carbonation. We have chosen to achieve our carbonation through natural methods (like fine champagne) and add a little yeast to their diets. Please be very careful with the yeast dosage, as we had some very unfortunate accidents early on. You can’t imagine the mess that thirty-some exploding cats can make!

Once you have mastered the manufacturing nuances of Kitty Piddle Soda you may want to challenge yourself to try our popular Dog Drool Soda. Ernie Pavlov is our production manager for that soda line and I am sure that he would be happy to share some of his techniques with you. One tip that I might share, is that if you intend to use free range cats and dogs (as we do) it is a good idea to have separate facilities for the two operations. Even though the yield from our kitty piddle operation increased impressively when we added the dogs, we had a few messy incidents which set us back a bit. Best of luck with your efforts, please keep us posted on your progress.

Kindest regards,

[signed]

Rob Metz
Chief Bottle Washer

Avery Soda website: www.averysoda.com

Scans of the letter from Avery Soda.

Commentary:

If you’re lost and have no idea what these letters are talking about, then seek enlightenment.

First, let me point out that it costs more than $1.25 a bottle to buy Pepsi at any machine, and this is delivered! Second, here’s my letter to Pepsi. I love the Avery Soda response.

This is hands down my favorite reply so far. I’ve had some others that I really like. Spam, Alpo, Cristian Dior, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to name a few.

There’s not a lot that needs said about this letter, but feel free to do so by sending me a letter (I’ll add it to the comments). And, for the record, I did manage to fill that 12 oz. bottle, but I cheated (trust me, you don’t want to know).

By Christopher L. Jorgensen

Website: http://jackassletters.com

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Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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