Dear Hefty UltraFlex

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

May 16, 2008

Pactiv Corporation
Attn: Hefty Ultra Flex Trash Bags
1900 W. Field Court
Lake Forest, IL 60045

Dear Hefty Ultra Flex Trash Bags,

I’m guessing you don’t get a lot of fan mail, but I really like your trash bags. They rock!

My only complaint is dogs, raccoons, children, and other varmints. Seems nearly every week one of these creatures gets into my bags and I have trash strewn everywhere. I throw things away for a reason. I don’t want people being able to go through the things I trash. This is just creepy. It’s not that I am an intensely private person, I just have a lot of things to hide.

Anyway, I thought you should consider coming out with a bag that tastes horrible to discourage animals from biting through the plastic. I would have thought plastic would be yucky enough, but apparently not. PETA would probably get upset, but you could even make the bags poisonous. Killing feral animals seems like reasonable and responsible to me.

I’m going to be altruistic on this one, give this idea away for free. Go ahead and use it if you like it. The world will be a better place.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Sponsor:

(Sponsor this letter.)

Reply:

Pactiv

May 27, 2008

Pactiv Corporation

1900 West Field Court

Lake Forest, IL 60045-4828

CHRISTOPHER L. JORGENSEN
P.O. BOX 93042
DES MOINES, IA 50393

Re: Hefty UltraFlex Trash Bags

DEAR MR. JORGENSEN,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us offering your suggestion for our Hefty UltraFlex Trash Bags.

We are always looking into various types, designs, and sizes for future production, as well as ways to improve the product and the packaging.

Your suggestions will be passed along to our Research and Development group. We are always interested in receiving feedback from our consumers about changes or improvements that you would like to see on our products.

We do appreciate any comments that you may have about any of our products, so please, feel free to contact us with any other concerns or questions. We look forward to having you as a satisfied user of all our Hefty®/Kordite® products.

Sincerely

[script font]

Arleen Stafford
Consumer Affairs Representative

AS/dkv

Hefty UltraFlex website: heftybrands.pactiv.com

Commentary:

I like to imagine at least some of these letters now decorate cubicle walls, that I made some customer service drone smile, call his work buddy over, and say, “Look at this freak. He wants us to come out with killer trash bags!” And up on the wall it goes! Instead, Your suggestions will be passed along to our Research and Development group. So expect to see poisonous trash bags soon (and remember, it was my idea!).

No sense of humor. At least some letters offered up a straight line or two. I’m not sure what I want, but boilerplate isn’t it. A few people have actually taken the time to read and respond, but they all take themselves, their company, and maybe their jobs too seriously. I’m living for the first letter that tells me to get bent (it’s nice when you have something to get you out of bed in the morning).

By Christopher L. Jorgensen

Website: http://jackassletters.com

Have a comment? Put a stamp on an envelope and drop it in the mail to:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Be sure to mention what letter your comment applies to. Adding some cash with your correspondence is a good thing. You can email me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) if you must.