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Dear Maple Leaf Farms

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010


December 1, 2012


Maple Leaf Farms, Inc.
P.O. Box 308
Milford, Indiana 46542-0308

Dear Maple Leaf Farms,

I love duck, but I am not sure I should be allowed near one (alive or dead). When I was in high school I decided to cook one for my prom date. I popped that sucker in the oven for a full hour before we ate it. That duck was pretty bloody and barely warm in places. I’m sure I had the temperature incorrect, but we ate it anyway. I survived. I believe my date did as well, but to this day I am not sure. She may have used me for a one night duck. The next day (and for ever after) she never returned my phone calls. I prefer to think she wasn’t some kind of a trollop, but the alternative means I may have unintentional committed manslaughter, since she never came back to class either.

That was over 20 years ago. I’ve moved on. Hopefully, so have the statues of limitations and her parents! (They had other kids.)

The other night I roasted my second duck, a Maple Leaf Farms duck, one of your ducks, a fine duck (if you ask me), but I may have overcooked it this time! I think I started out with a six pound duck, but after cooking I bet that thing weighed less than your average chicken! Since it’s four times as expensive as your average chicken this is not what I wanted. What did I do wrong? Was three hours too long?

In another 20 years, when I am close to retiring, I was thinking I would try again. I would like your advice on duck…and perhaps women.

Sincerely,


Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Reply:

Discover Duck®

December 10, 2012

Mr. Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for contacting us.  We are sorry your experience with duck was a traumatizing one.  A former customer of ours, Hezekiah Hornsby, had a similar experience a number of years ago. Hezekiah aspired to be a world-renowned chef, inviting friends to test his new recipes.  After a number of them “disappeared,” Hezekiah thought it best to flee the country.  Turns out, Belize makes a comparable destination for expatriates. Food for thought.

All tragedy aside, thank you for your continued loyalty to our product.  Frankly, we don’t see that sort of tenacity often.

Without a doubt, your younger self undercooked the duck.  And incidentally, your most recent preparation was overcooked.  If you are brave enough to try your hand at roasting a duck again, we would suggest watching our website’s instructional duck-roasting video before preparation in order to avoid any accusations of foul play.

But if a whole duck seems too daunting, we would be more than happy to send you a couple of our fully cooked roast half ducks (also available in many grocery stores and online).  Not only is it delicious, this product is so simple your in-laws can cook it.  As long as you can operate an oven or grill, you should be able to prepare it without incident.

If you would like to take us up on our offer of fully cooked roast half duck, please contact us at 1-800-348-2812 so we can coordinate delivery.

Please also feel free to extend this offer to your prom date if your paths ever cross.  She may have ditched duck after your date, but we would welcome the opportunity to win her back.  And armed with our roast half duck, you may win her back, too.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Dawn White
Maple Leaf Farms

 

P.O. Box 308 Phone: 574-658-4121 800-348-2812 Maple Leaf
Milford, IN 46542 Fax: 574-658-2208 www.mapleleaffarms.com Farms ®

Maple Leaf Farms website: www.mapleleaffarms.com

Scan of the letter from Maple Leaf Farms

Commentary:

It was only because a friend of mine was asking about buying duck, and I thought, “I should post this letter on his Facebook page,” that this letter is being posted at all. I guess it fell though the cracks. I went to look for it so I could tell him about it, and it wasn’t on the site. So then I thought it didn’t exist, that it was only in my mind, thought I imagined I’d written this letter, made it up, faked it, was all pretending, but when I looked I’d found I’d written it and never posted it.

No idea why. I blame Sean and his lack of duck.

I am sorry it took over two years for you to read this one. It’s great and I feel bad for depriving you.

By Christopher L. Jorgensen

Website: http://jackassletters.com

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Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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