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Dear Rock Art Brewery

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393


October 14, 2009


Matt Nadeau
Rock Art Brewery LLC
254 Wilkins St.
Morrisville,VT 05661


Dear Matt Nadeau,

Monster Energy Drink sucks balls! I just thought I’d get that out there.

First, find $5 enclosed to help out. You can throw it into your legal defense fund, your Matt Nadeau beer drinking fund, or buy your wife something special (I don’t care). I just hope it helps.

Second, you know that song “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?” Well, how do you think they got them up there? I mean, what’s the best way to affix a beer to a wall? This one has vexed me for a long time, so I figured since I was writing you anyway, I’d go ahead and ask an expert. On a related note, how many of my friends do I have to invite over to responsibly “take them down and pass them around?” I was thinking three, but can tell Marty to stay home if this is too many. What do you think?

Third, if you ever feel like making a “Christopher L. Jorgensen” beer, don’t worry, I won’t sue you!


Sincerely,


Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I went to high school with a Holly Nadeau. Do you know what she’s been up to?

enc. $5

Sponsor:

Reply:

[Editor’s note: This is a text transcription of the card sent by Rock Art Brewery.]


Front:

Rock Art Brewery
Mountain Holidays in Vermont
Rich Creamy Bock Lager

Back:

Wreath from
Nadeau’s Tree Farm
Rt. 15 Johnson, Vermont


Inside:

Hi Christopher,

Happy Holidays
From Your Friends at
Rock Art Brewery

[signed]

Matt
Rich
Renee
ZF [Sp?]
Jessyca
Andrea


p.s. We don’t know a Holly Nadeau


 

 

Rock Art Brewery website: www.rockartbrewery.com

Scan of the front of the card from Rock Art Brewery Scan of the back of the card from Rock Art Brewery

Commentary:

Scan of the sticker from Rock Art Brewery

For more backstory than you could ever care about:

The Monster at the End of This Beer.

Normally I would say it takes a big pair of balls to write a lawyer, make fun of her in the letter, and then post said letter on the internet, but fuck it, my lawyer is better than Rock Star Energy Drink’s lawyer. I can’t imagine how Diane M. Reed can sleep at night. I get that it’s a paycheck and all, but when unethical fucks are writing the check, sometimes you just have to say no.

If I’ve already lost you, dear reader, quit reading now.

If you are a glutton for punishment, or Diane M. Reed (and want to see what else I’ve said about you), mentally retarded, really fucking bored, drunk, or my lawyer (Marc J. Randazza, checking to see if I’ve committed an actionable offense), then by all means keep reading.

First, the unanswered letter to Diane:




Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393


October 14, 2009


Diane M. Reed
c/o Knobbe Martens Olson & Bear LLP
2040 Main Street
Fourteenth Floor
Irvine, CA 92614


Dear Diane,

It’s come to my attention that you are representing the Hansen Beverage Company as they go after Rock Art Brewery over their use of “Vermonster,” since your client has a trademark on the term “Monster.” I’m no intellectual property lawyer, but it seems to me that this Matt Nadeau guy seems a little shifty. I mean, why would he want to use your client’s name if he wasn’t trying to confuse people into buying his beer!

You get ‘em!

Also, just a cursory glance at my beer shelf shows you’ll have no end to such lawsuits. Talk about job security!

I made you a handy list. You can cross them off as you go:


Terrapin Big Hoppy Monster Terrapin Big Sloppy Monster Great Lakes The Lake Erie Monster Double IPA Brooklyn Monster Ale Sea Monster Stout Green Monster Beer Lilja's Hop Nest Monster Gila Monster Amber Lager Monster Mash Porter Mikkels Monster



Sincerely,


Christopher L. Jorgensen


I also wrote letters to Hansen Beverage Company (parent company of Monster Energy Drink).



Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393


October 14, 2009


Monster Beverage Co
550 Monica Circle, Suite 201
Corona, CA 92880


Dear Monster Energy Drink,

THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF YOU ON THE INTERNET YOU BULLIES!

It’s a bit difficult to go around spouting off about how you have a punk rock lifestyle while you’re suing the little guy. I mean, come on, when you go after a guy like Matt Nadeau over his use of the word “Vermonster” you end up coming off like the man!

Lawyers aren’t very punk rock.

You should be sponsoring Matt, entering into promotional deals, and having fun. Instead you’re choosing to squash this guy? This is idiotic. The names aren’t even that close. No one is going to confuse the products. One is presumably a yummy tasting beverage that gets you drunk, the other isn’t. Not a lot of room for confusion there!

The world needs more beer, less litigation. Drop the lawsuit. Quit crying like a bunch of babies.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I sent Matt $5 to help his legal costs. It’s all I can do to stick it to the man!

p.s.s. you should come out with an iPhone app of hot chicks.

p.s.s.s please don’t sue me!


Predictably Matt was the only one cool enough to write back. I really did send the $5. You can ask him. @RockArtBrewery. I am a little sad Matt never answered my question about the beers on the wall, and I like Christmas cards as much as the next guy, but it would have been the coolest to open my PO Box to find beer in it.

Oh, and I really did go to school with Holly Nadeau.

By Christopher L. Jorgensen

Website: http://jackassletters.com

Have a comment? Put a stamp on an envelope and drop it in the mail to:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Be sure to mention what letter your comment applies to. Adding some cash with your correspondence is a good thing. You can email me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) if you must.

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