April 26, 2012

City of Fruita Recreation Department
324 N Coulson
Fruita, CO 81521

Dear Mike the Headless Chicken,

I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend.

My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken. He’s got the time and the chickens, so if you have anything I should pass along I will be sure to do so. He keeps telling me his ax is as sharp as his wits and “if Fruita can have a headless chicken festival I can too!” Anthony isn’t always rational. I think it’s because he was dropped on his head as a baby, but he says that’s not why he has that flat spot at all!

If you could go ahead and let us know the dates for your 2014 festival that would be great. We’ll do out best to attend. We’re pretty booked until then though (I am sure you can understand). Chances are we’ll have to take a pass then too, but at least this way we can mark the dates on our calendar!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

City of Fruita
324 N Coulson
Fruita, CO 81521

May 3, 2012

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

BAWK!

Sincerely,

[signed]

Mike the Headless Chicken

Honor the Past - Envision the Future - Frutia

December 2, 2011

Rt Hon Michael Gove MP
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA
England

Dear Michael Gove,

Can I get an autographed headshot? I know I’m not British or anything, but I still have a stiff upper lip and a photo of you would make my day!

You don’t know me, but I’m a big fan. “A Feast at Midnight” is one of my favorite films of all time (mostly because I think Julie Dreyfus was hot before she got old). It’s always saddening when an actor like you or Ronald Reagan or even Arnold Schwarzenegger goes into politics. I figure people should pursue their real talents and yours is acting! But the world being what it is I guess you have to do something to pay the bills.

I’m not just writing for a celebrity autograph; I also wanted let you know people are saying mean things about you on the internet. Some even went so far as to call you a monster. I think that’s pretty unfair. As far as I know you’ve never even played a monster!

I don’t get what all these people are mad about, but then I don’t really know what a Tory is either. I’m an American and we don’t have Tories here. I tried to follow along, but I got lost with the accusations of you being against the strikes when this is so obviously not true! I saw a photo of you actually striking! Do these people not pay attention?

On that off chance you are looking into ways to bust the unions you should write Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. He’s pretty good at this.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Conservatives

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
USA

Monday, 16th January 2012

DEAR MR JORGENSEN

I am writing on behalf of The Rt Hon Baroness Warsi, Co-Chairman of the Conservative party, to thank you for your letter addressed to The Rt Hon Michael Gove MP at Conservative Campaign Headquarters.

I have forwarded your letter to Mr Gove’s Parlimentary office, who will be best placed to assist you with your request.

Thank you again for writing.

Yours sincerely,

[signed]

Oliver Wells
Office of the Conservative party Co-Chairmen

cc: The Rt Hon Michael Gove MP

Conservative Campaign Headquarters, 30 Millbank, London SW1P 4DP, Switchboard +44 (0)20 7222 9000, Fax +44 (0)20 7222 1135, www.conservatives.com

September 1, 2011

Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne
Office of the Attorney General
Phoenix Office
1275 West Washington Street
Phoenix, AZ 85007-2926

Dear Attorney General Tom Horne,

I know S.B. 1070 “Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act” is now a law thanks to the Honorable Jan Brewer (Governor of Arizona), and I’m sure it’s a damn fine law and has cleared up the whole illegal alien thing by now! But it does raise a question, and I am sorry to have to ask this of you, but I’ve already written Governor Brewer, and either she doesn’t know, or she’s refusing to answer, since she hasn’t written back!

She’s publicly stated that this law will be enforced civilly, fairly, and without discrimination, so I am wondering what I have to carry while visiting the state of Arizona to prove I belong in this country? I’d hate to get harassed by some law enforcement official because I lack proper documentation. When stopped on the street and asked for my papers I want to be able to proudly present them and prove I am a true patriot, a true American, since to do less would be downright criminal!

Since Governor Brewer doesn’t seem to know (do you think she even read this bill?) I figure you’re the next best person to ask. I don’t think this should be so hard to find out! The state of Arizona should make propaganda posters or something, they could say, “Attention Citizen! You must have the following with you at all times!” Then there could be a list of the acceptable forms of identification the state of Arizona will consider acceptable.

I have an Iowa driver’s license, a library card, and a Red Robin rewards club card. Are these good enough or should I just stay the hell out of Arizona like I am sure the illegal aliens have been doing since this bill was passed into law over a year ago?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. if you don’t know the answer could you please pass this letter along to someone that does? Postage doesn’t grow on trees you know!

Reply:

Office of the Arizona Attorney General
Executive Office

Tom Horne
Attorney General

Phone 602-542-7000
www.azag.gov

September 9, 2011

Christopher Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thank you for your letter dated September 1, 2011.

As you may know, several parts of Senate Bill 1070, are currently being challenged in court.  A final ruling is still pending.  The bill does not allow law enforcement to randomly stop people to request proof of citizenship.  I have included a fact sheet developed by Governor Jan Brewer’s Office which addresses concerns regarding this bill.

We hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Adria Lugo
Office of Constituent Services
Arizona Attorney General’s Office

1275 West Washington Street,  Phoenix, Arizona 85007-2926 • Phone 602.542.4266 www.azag.gov]]> 2012-04-26T01:04:15+00:00 http://jackassletters.com/main/challenge_butter/ http://jackassletters.com/main/challenge_butter#When:01:00:32Z Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

April 2, 2012

Challenge Dairy Products, Inc.
P.O.Box 2369
Dublin, CA 94568

Dear Challenge Butter,

My girlfriend prefers your butter over other butters. I’m not sure why, but she’s the kind of woman who looks into these sorts of things, so it either has to be because it’s better tasting or because it’s better for you or made with better things or you treat your animals better or have better environmental stewardship. Something like that. She always has her reasons, so we buy Challenge Butter. Me? I’d go for the cheap stuff since I don’t much care about anything other than price, so I want to commend you on a clever marketing ploy. Putting a coupon for 55¢ inside the box of butter is downright brilliant.

We use butter on french toast, in cake, on bread, poured over popcorn and smother our veggies. Pretty much anything tastes good if you add enough Challenge Butter! We use it for other things too, but I won’t go into that here. That coupon keeps us coming back for more! It’s an endless cycle of pure butter addiction. I was going to total up how much Challenge Butter we bought in the last year, but I can’t find my receipts from October (they may have gotten covered in butter). Needless to say it’s a lot. Well over $100!

Also, any suggestions for how to get butter stains off the ceiling would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I noticed on the box that we can freeze the butter for up to four months. What happens after that?

Reply:

CHALLENGE

Challenge Dairy Products, Inc.
P.O. Box 2369
Dublin, CA 94568

Dear Consumer,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us.  We value our customers and want to hear any comments or concerns regarding our products which enables us to perfect and maintain our products’ high standard of quality.

At Challenge Dairy, we are proud of our “Tradition of Quality” and of being “the leading brand of butter in the West since 1911”.

We hope that you will continue to use Challenge products and are enclosing a coupon toward your next purchase.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Julie Mrzywka
Home Economist/Food Scientist

La:/Consumer Comments Letter.doc-8
2/10/20121:14 PM

January 11, 2012

Governor Sean Parnell
Office of the Governor
P.O. Box 110001
Juneau, AK 99811

Dear Governor Sean Parnell,

Any way I can get an autographed photo?

Recently a friend of mine emigrated to your fine city from Scotland. He claims there are no decent places in Juneau to eat. Personally, I don’t see how he can be so picky, since they eat haggis in Scotland! I thought perhaps you could send me one of your Visitors Bureau restaurant pamphlets and I could pass the information along.

My friend, Gordon Brown (no relation to the former Prime Minister of England), claims he has to go all the way to Anchorage to eat at an Applebee’s. There has to be a better place than Applebee’s in Juneau! If there is I will make sure he finds out if you let me know where he should go.

I bet you’re pretty glad Sarah Palin is no longer governor (especially since this means you have a job). I also bet you’re glad she doesn’t spend much time in Alaska. I get tired of seeing her in the news. I wish she would just go home to her beloved Alaska and leave the rest of the country alone. We in the Lower 48 have had enough of the Palins to last a lifetime. I don’t see this happening, so I guess we’ll have to learn to live with her like Alaskans have.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Governor Sean Parnell
STATE OF ALASKA

March 26, 2012

Mr. Christopher Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for contacting the Office of Governor Sean Parnell, and for your request of an autographed photo.  I regret that autographs are not a part of our outreach at this time.

The Juneau Convention and Visitors Bureau is a great resource for locating dining options in Juneau.  They can be reached at 907-586-2201 for more information.  The Bureau also maintains an online dining guide at http://www.traveljuneau.com/cms/d/dining.php.  I hope these resources prove helpful for your friend.

We appreciate hearing from you, and hope your travels lead you to Alaska in the near future.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Ben Robinson
Constituent Relations Coordinator

STATE CAPITOL • PO Box 110001, Juneau, Alaska 99811-0001
ANCHORAGE • 550 West 7th Avenue #1700, Anchorage, Alaska 99501

January 30, 2012

Monterey Mushrooms, Inc.
260 Westgate Drive
Watsonville, CA 95076

Dear Monterey Mushrooms,

Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes.

I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a steady diet of shit, but I have to say that one of the most disgusting sensations ever is wet and slimy mushroom flesh! It’s pretty difficult to overlook the fact this feels like holding someone’s raw liver in your hand (and yet you are about to eat this thing)! Gross! (As the kids would say.)

I did enjoy the mushroom and will get them again. Someday I might even try raising my own, so if you have any tips that would be great. I have a basement that is fairly dark and I can probably come up with my own shit, but I don’t want to eat some and see things that aren’t there or die.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Monterey ®

2/8/12

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for your letter dated Jan. 30, 12. As a fact, mushrooms grow in the dark and with light as they can be grown indoors as long as they have proper relative humidity, air circulation (CO2) and rich nutrients. The mushroom compost process takes about 3 month period from raw input materials to fruiting. I am sure no person wishes to be “kept in the dark for that long.”
    As for fecal matter, this can be an input material as we use Dpw, dried poultry waste that has been treated with high temperatures. Each of our farms pasteurizes our compost in order to condition it with high air flow.  If we do not meet time and temperatures, then we cannot grow mushrooms as it is a fungus.  If you decide to grow mushrooms in your basement, I will recommend you try growing Shiitake or Oyster mushrooms as they are not as delicate to compost and have a faster turnaround time growth period.  These mushroom “Logs” can be purchased on line and shipped to your home.  I have included care and handling tips, a recipe book and coupons for your use.

Thank you.
Christebento Alvarez
MMI Corp QA

MONTEREY MUSHROOMS, INC.
777 Maher Court, Royal Oaks, California 95076
831/728-8300 • FAX 831/728-9504

March 28, 2011

Nissan Marketing
Mail Stop P3C
P.O. Box 685003
Franklin, TN 37068-5003

Dear Nissan,

You guys gave my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli a Nissan Cube and I think that’s pretty cool. I was wondering what I would have to do to get one? Sure, I know I could buy or lease a Cube, but that wouldn’t be as cool as winning one. So I am hoping you’ll come out with some kind of contest I could enter (or are these kinds of contests only for Canadians?).

I voted for Anthony a lot online, which kinda felt like stuffing the ballot box, but the rules allowed for this so I wasn’t engaging in any kind of voter fraud or anything! Anthony promised me a ride in his Cube if he got one, and he got one, but I still haven’t seen that ride! Like I said, I voted for him a lot, so I’m guessing eventually he’ll come through on that promise, but I live a long ways away from him, so I’m not expecting he’ll get it done any time soon (besides, who knows if he’s even allowed in the US!).

If you did give me a Cube I’d let him off the hook for that promise. I figure if I had a free Cube I’d be willing to put some advertising on it in exchange for the free car (it only seems fair). I figure you could put some Nissan stickers on it or something. I’d drive it around a lot and I’m at least as popular as Anthony is so a lot of people would be envious!

If I can’t get a free car can I at least get some free stickers for my 2000 Neon?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

[Editor’s note: The return address was originally to a PO Box Christopher no longer has access to. This PO has been updated to his current box.]

Reply:

NISSAN

NISSAN NORTH AMERICA, INC.
One Nissan Way
Franklin, TN 37067

April 27, 2011

Mr. Christopher Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thank you for your recent letter requesting a vehicle donation.

Nissan’s charitable giving efforts have three main areas of focus:  Education, the Environment and Humanitarian Aid.  Per our corporate policy, all donations must be given to organizations that have 501c3 non-profit status.  It is with regret that we will not be able to support your vehicle donation request.

We wish the best of luck in the future.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Stephanie Valdez Streaty
Sr. Manager Philanthropy and Diversity

May 5, 2008

Dave Ramsey
c/o The Lampo Group
1749 Mallory Lane
Suite 100
Brentwood, TN 37027

Dear Dave,

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

I am enclosing a letter I wrote to the Iowa Lottery and a copy of their reply. It would be interesting to get your feedback on either of them.

You have my permission to read either on the air or to otherwise disseminate them. I’ll even waive my normal copyright fee! Hopefully the letters will amuse you as much as they did me, but admittedly, I am pretty easy to amuse.

I am nearly done with baby step one! If you felt like it you could send me like 30k and I could jump a few steps. No? Then how about an autographed photo of a book or something? Either would go a long way towards amusing me.

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

enc: 2 copies of letters

¹ Originally this letter used my home address, but I stopped giving this out after I won the lottery.

Reply:

The Dave Ramsey Show
A Dave Ramsey Company

May 23, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Christopher:

Thank you for your letter. I certainly agree with you about the lottery. I call it a tax because it is a state-run program specifically designed to take money from one set of citizens and use it to provide services to state residents. In Tennessee, it is a way to finance scholarships. That may sound noble, but in practice it takes money from those less able to afford it and helps educate those who are already better off than most.

I’m not surprised that the Iowa Lottery disagreed. Proponents and employees of lotteries are always adept at ignoring the reality of what they are doing.

Sincerely,

(signed illegibly but by hand!)

Dave Ramsey

DR: rs

The Dave Ramsey Show, 1749 Mallory Lane, Suite 100, Brentwood, TN 37027
Toll Free: (888) 22-PEACE | Syndication: (877) 410-DAVE | FAX: (615) 372-0573 | Web: daveramsey.com
A division of The Lampo Group, Inc.

January 31, 2012

Campbell Soup Company
1 Campbell Place
Camden, NJ 08103

Dear Campbell’s Soup,

I think you should come out with duck soup. Duck is probably my favorite bird to eat (I’ve never had egret though). Duck & Dumplings, Duck & Noodles, Duck Vegetable. I’m salivating just thinking about it (it’ll make sealing this letter that much easier!)!

A friend of mine told me you sell watercress and duck gizzard soup in China, but I’m not sure I believe him. The duck gizzard isn’t exactly something I’d be excited about eating. I’m also not going to go all the way to China to get a can of soup, so please come out with duck soup in America, but make sure it’s the tasty parts!

I want me some duck! M’m! M’m! Good!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Campbell’s ®
Consumer Response Center
One Campbell Place
Camden, NJ 08103-1701

February 9, 2012

Mr Christopher L Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010-0546

Dear Mr Jorgensen:

We have forwarded your comments to the appropriate department.  We appreciate feedback like yours because it helps us become aware of consumer preferences and concerns.

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers. We realize that it is consumers like you who have helped build our businesses and we sincerely appreciate your loyalty.

As a small token of our thanks, I’ve enclosed a coupon.  Please use it to enjoy your favorite product from the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace, and Pepperidge Farm.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Dreena Toporcer
Consumer Services Representative

005625964A

January 26, 2012

Dannon Consumer Response Center
P.O. Box 90296
Allentown, PA 18109-0296

Dear Dannon Yogurt,

I think you need to offer a 12 step program for your product. I admitted I am powerless over Dannon yogurt, but I love my helplessness. A little ripe banana, some brown sugar, granola, and your vanilla yogurt in a bowl and I’m pretty darn happy. Sometimes I put in a little Hartley’s Best Damson Jam in there (instead of the brown sugar) when I feel a bit fruity. I get the jam from Ames British Foods. It’s expensive, but good; the perfect compliment to your yogurt. (If you ever go there be sure to say “Hello” to Marcus!)

Don’t tell anyone, but I buy your yogurt at Wal-Mart (I don’t like people knowing I shop there). They have a Wal-Mart brand of yogurt called “Great Value.” Not only is it not as good as yours it’s more expensive! You’ve got them beat in flavor, price, and graphic design! I’m not even sure why they try to complete with an inferior product.

You should consider coming out with Damson flavored yogurt. Damson is damn good and would make a wonderful addition to your product line. I also have to admit that I am lazy, so if it was already in there that would help me be even lazier!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

DANNON ®
The Dannon Company, Inc.
Dannon Consumer Care Center   •  PO Box 90296   • Allentown, PA 18109-0296

February 7, 2012

Mr. Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames IA 50010-0546

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thank you for taking time to contact The Dannon Company. We sincerely appreciate your positive comments about our Dannon Natural Flavors Vanilla and will be certain to share them with others in the company.

Dannon is committed to providing consumers with the highest quality products.  We take great care during product development, production and distribution to make certain that every product meets the highest standards and satisfies our customers.  Your positive feedback helps us to know that we have successfully met our objectives!

Once again, thank you for contacting us. As an expression of our appreciation, please accept the enclosed.  It is always a pleasure to hear from a Dannon fan!

Sincerely,

[signed]

Rabia Persiani
Consumer Response Representative
Encl.
Ref #: 1412797N

Printed with soy ink on 100% post consumer recycled paper