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An Unanswered Letter to Dollar Shave Club

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

March 10, 2012

Dollar Shave Club, Inc.
P.O. Box 5481
Santa Monica, CA 90409

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s phone to call myself because my phone is on vibrate and it’s in my front pocket and this makes me smile and smiling makes me happy! This the only way I make it through the first three minutes of most meetings. (DON’T MAKE ME SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU!) Second, polio isn’t funny. Making polio jokes won’t sell more razors! People with polio still need to shave. Do you think polio sufferers will buy your razors? Fat fucking chance, since they don’t even vibrate! Third, who needs a monthly razor? I shave three times a year whether I need to or not. That’s like nine more razors than I’d ever need. Seriously, I sport a mean beard! A man’s man beard! More men should have beards like mine. Even Theodore Kaczynski is jealous of my facial hair (or at least that’s what I assume this letter he sent me says. I’m too smart to open it.). Fourth, how can you put a bear in your video without shaving it bare while you both drink beer? (I like illiteration!) Fifth, you don’t have an iPad app! You need one. You will never succeed as a company without an iPad app! That’s five complaints! Exactly a handful as promised!

If I do end up with nine extra blades a year I plan to send them to my friend Anthony Imperioli. He’s Italian, but lives in Canada (I think he’s an illegal!). He’s been talking about shaving his intimate area more often, since he’s tired of paying for Brazilian waxing. While we’re on this subject can you let me know if Alejandra is single? My girlfriend won’t entertain the idea of a threesome, but I have a feeling Anthony’s might once she lays eyes on Alejandra! After all, Anthony’s train makes more than hay…if you get my drift. (DON’T MAKE ME SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU!)

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensenbor


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Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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