May 3, 2010

Food and Drug Administration
10903 New Hampshire Ave
Silver Spring, MD 20993-0002

Dear FDA,

I am trying to order a food product from overseas, but the company doesn’t ship to the US! I want Starly’s Spice Company’s “Satan’s Ashes,” which bills itself as the world’s hottest curry, but since they don’t ship Internationally I figured I’d ask someone in the area to drop some in the mail, but we can’t figure out which forms need filled out!

Will a standard Customs Declaration form be enough, or because it’s a food product is something else required? This isn’t a commercial transaction. The person is willing to send me the spice just to be nice (that and I think she wants pictures of me eating the stuff!).

Regardless, let me know what she needs to get this done. She lives in Scotland. I live in Iowa. I’d rather neither of us end up in jail or fined just because I want to eat something hot!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Department of Health and Human Services

Public Health Service
Food and Drug Administration
College Park, MD

June 22, 2010

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, LA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

This is in response to your letter dated May 3, 2010, regarding food products being shipped from overseas for your personal use.

You must file a prior notice form.  Please go to:

http://www.fda.gov/Food/GuidanceComplianceRegulatoryInformation/PriorNoticeofImported
Foods/FilingPriorNotice/default.htm

Thank you for contacting the Food and Drug Administration.

Sincerely,

Robin Y. Smith
[signature font]
Consumer Affairs Specialist
Center for Safety and Applied Nutrition
Office of Food Defense, Communication & Emergency Response
Division of Education & Communication
Communication and Coordination Branch

June 3, 2010

Trader Joe’s
PO Box 5049
Monrovia, CA 91017

Dear Trader Joe’s,

I heard you are opening a location in West Des Moines, but no one is saying when. “Later this year,” just doesn’t work for me. I need to know when! I would like to be the first person through the door. Well, right after my girlfriend that is (she’s pretty excited). Like I said, I would like to be the first through the door, but I have a life. I can’t be like those people who wait in line for months to see the newest Star Wars film or to get the latest shiny thing from Apple.

What I was thinking is that you could just let me know when (and where) to show up and I could bring the girlfriend along and we could be snuck in a side entrance on opening day or something. I’m sure other people (who don’t have lives) will be waiting in line for weeks, and sneaking us in might not seem fair, but I am also sure none of them will be bothering to write you for an invitation!

So what do you say? When do we show up?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Trader Joe’s Company
Unique foods and beverages at prices everyone can afford

Corporate Office
P. O. Box 5049
Monrovia, CA 91017-7149
(626) 599-3700

June 18, 2010

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for taking the time to email us.  Thank you so much for your kind words about our store. Our Real Estate Department works really hard to find great target market areas where our company can thrive in the community. Thanks to customers like you, Des Moines was the right place to expand.

We are happy to hear that you and your girlfriend are as excited as we are to come to your town. Unfortunately we still do not have a confirmed date as to when we will open this store. However, when we do we will post it on our website.

We also don’t offer any types of VIP early access into our stores, but I sure will send this suggestion for something we could do in the future.

I have included two limited addition rose parade pins for your and your girlfriend.  We only give these out to a limited number of our crewmembers, but I think you and your girlfriend will look great wearing these on opening day.

Thanks for being such fans of Trader Joe’s!!!

Sincerely,

[signed]

Tiffany Mckinnis
Trader Joe’s
Customer Relations

Arizona, California, Connecticut, Delaware, District Of Columbia, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Wisconsin & Washington
www.traderjoes.com

February 12, 2009

Cinemark
900 Dallas Parkway, Suite 500
Plano, Texas, 75093

Dear Cinemark,

Recently I went to see “Sherlock Holmes” in Ames, Iowa, and I have to question if I’ll be returning!

I don’t want to sound like some old guy who tells stories about a time when a Snickers was a nickel, but have you checked out your concession prices lately? Amazing! What year are you people from? Yes, year, because by my calculations, with the current rate of inflation, a popcorn and a pop shouldn’t cost the consumer $10.00 until approximately 2025.

Seriously, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gotten to the point where I refuse to be extorted just because I am a captive audience. From now on I am smuggling in all my snacks, and unless you can give me a compelling reason why I can buy the same products for $1.50 at the gas station across the street I will encourage others to do so as well. I might even write my Congressman or create a website calling for a snack food boycott!

I figure what are you going to do? Have me arrested? Kicked out? I won’t go quietly! And I don’t see you doing this anyway, since then you’ll get nothing from me! Not even the money for the overpriced ticket.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Cinemark
The Best Seat in Town

Cinemark Movies 12 #264
1317 Buckeye Avenue
Ames, Iowa 50010
Phone: (515) 232-5066
Fax: (515) 232-5112

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

March 12^th, 2010,

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

I’m sorry that you feel our concession prices are out of line. When compared to other local theaters, our prices are comparable, if not less. We currently have value combos available. A large drink and large popcorn is $10.50, but when compared to the Carmike Cobblestone or Wynsong theatre, it is $12.35. Granted, this would only cost about $9.50 at the Boone theatre, however they don’t always have newly released movies and the selection is not as wide as ours. We have also added $2.00 candies to our line up for more cost saving options.

We do try to offer the best values on our ticket prices. Every day we have Early Bird pricing available. If you come to the first showing of a feature, it is only $4.75. We also have matinee pricing before 6:00pm where all tickets are only $5.25 for everyone. We have Bargain day every Tuesday where all tickets are only $5.00 all day and night. If you are a senior, we have Senior pricing every day at $5.25 except on Monday where all tickets would be $4.75. If this is still to costly, we do have the Cinemark North Grand 5 in town. They do not show new releases, but if you are willing to wait a few weeks, ticket prices range from $1.00-$2.00.

As you can see we have many money saving options available for you to take advantage of.

Sincerely,

[signed but redacted]

General Manager

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

December , 2009

Belliso Foods, Inc.
P.O. Box 16630
Duluth MN, 55816

Dear Michelina,

I wasn’t expecting much when my local grocery store did a 10 for 10 deal on your frozen meals, but I ponied up a 10 spot all the same. Sometimes a deal that looks to good to be true is still just a good deal that cynics miss out on!

I cooked up some Chicken Alfredo meal along with some little egg roll things (yeah, not something I would normally eat together either!). I didn’t expect to be filled up for a measly two bucks! The other cool thing is the next day I was only slightly hungry so a quick mac & cheese snack just hit the spot! $1 is bit steep for simple mac & cheese, but sometimes you just pay for convenience.

Anyway, as long as these meals stay so cheap I will continue eating them. I hate when a product is introduced, I get to liking it, then it goes way up in price. This is what happened to me with Diet Rock Star Energy drink. I loved the stuff when it was a buck a can, but once they hit two bucks a can I knew they were just trying to screw me and take advantage of my burgeoning addictions.

You guys won’t do this, will you?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Bellisio Foods ™

the beautiful foods company ™

December 15, 2009

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

We’re so pleased
Mr Jorgensen….

…that you have taken the time to compliment Michelina’s(® entrées.  It’s marvelous to discover that some still care about quality as well as convenience.  Encouragement such as yours make us even more determined to always produce the highest quality and yet, the best consumer value as well.

With our thanks, please accept the enclosed coupons for free entrées of your choice, good anywhere you shop.  We certainly would appreciate you letting your friends know about our products.

Thanks for writing to us.  We appreciate it, and we hope that you will continue to use and enjoy our products in the future.

Kindest regards,

[signed]

Luigino “Jeno” Paulucci
Chairman

JFP/drc

Administration
PO Box 16630   |  Duluth, MN 55816
525 Lake Avenue South   |  Duluth, MN 55802   |  p: 218.723.5555   |  f: 218.723.8356

www.bellisiofoods.com

April 11, 2008

The White House
Office of the Vice Presidency
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Vice President President Cheney,

Have you ever secretly wanted to be President? Will you disclose where your undisclosed location is to the American people once you no longer are in Office?

Could you please send me an autographed photo for my girlfriend? I’m hoping you can!

Write something like:

To [

],

something Vice Presidential and inspiring.

(signed Vice President of the United States - Richard B. Cheney)

This would be great. Fred Thompson did this for me and she was excited for days.

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I love my country.

Reply:

[Editor’s note: This photo was all that was received in reply.]

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

March 08, 2009

Congressman Steve Cohen
The Clifford Davis / Odell Horton Federal Building
167 North Main Street,
Suite 369
Memphis, TN 38103

Dear Rep. Steve Cohen,

Every now and again one of you guys does something that rocks! In your case it’s sponsoring The Citizen Participation Act (H.R. 4364). I am writing to thank you for this.

When people disagree with something someone has to say they should just say so! Bringing a frivolous lawsuit into play is plain stupid. Since we can’t outlaw stupidity we can at least make it expensive. SLAPP suits have ruined people lives and denied people their Constitutional right to free speech.

Recourse to the courts should never be denied in cases of slander and libel, but the courts shouldn’t be used as an extension of the corporate PR engine either. If I ever get sued I hope it’s because I actually deserve it, not just because some company doesn’t like what I have to say.

Once you wrap this one up can you take a look at the DMCA? That’s a piece of crap law if I ever saw one.

Anyway, great job. I’m sending $5 your way. You can do with it what you like. I suggest a beer after a hard day.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. anyway I could get an autographed photo for a friend? Just make it out to “Marc J. Randazza” and say something like “All the best!”

Reply:

[Editor’s note: This photo was received and passed along to Marc J. Randazza.]

[Click image to enlarge.]

Autograph reads:

To Mark

Steve Cohen

February 5, 2009

Okoboji Enterprises
5229 NW 114th St.
Grimes, IA 50111

Dear Okoboji Grill,

Last night my girlfriend and I ate at your Ames location. We arrived at 6:25. I asked if there were any appetizer specials and was told there were until 6:30. I placed an order for half off cheese sticks. The waitress came back and said the computer clock said it was after 6:30.

I don’t really know why I should care what time the computer clock says it is. It wasn’t yet 6:30. I told the waitress that having a special that wasn’t going to be honored would make me reluctant to return in the future (which is true), and that it was just now 6:30 (I showed her my phone).

She said she passed my concerns along to the manager, but if so, he wasn’t concerned enough to explain to us why we couldn’t get what we ordered. This wasn’t a matter of my clock being incorrect, as we had two cell phones on different carriers and a wrist watch that told us we still had time to place the order.

So, I would ask you to make sure your clocks are right, adjust the time of your specials, or give the manager or wait staff the ability to override a register price.

I admit this is a pretty stupid thing to be upset about, but figured I’d bring it to your attention, since it will impact your sales. You lost a sale on one half priced order of cheese sticks and how much ever you’ll lose from our reduced frequency of visiting. I’m positive this wouldn’t have happened at Perkins (and they are just across the street).

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Okoboji Grill
Where Good Friends Meet

Where Good Friends Meet
Leroy Gessman, President/CEO

February 7, 2009

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for writing to us and for letting us know about your experience at our Ames restaurant on February 4th. We are very sorry that we did not meet your expectations and did not live up to our own high standards.

It’s no excuse, but the young man who was the manager on the night of your visit is a fairly new manager who is still learning certain aspects of customer service. One thing we learned from your experience is that the time on our computer system is about four minutes fast. We certainly should have honored the happy hour price and I apologize for us not doing so.

While I cannot change the past, I would like to invite you back as my personal guest so that we can show you that we really can do a much better job than what you experienced. I have enclosed a $20 gift card which can be used at any one of our Ames or Des Moines area locations.

Thanks again for bringing this to our attention.

Regards,

[signed]

Rich Filloon
Vice President of Operations
Okoboji Grill

OKOBOJI ENTERPRISES
5229 NW 114th St. • Grimes, IA 50111 • Phone (515) 986-4944 • Fax (515) 986-4955

September 30, 2010

Janet K. Welch
State Bar of Michigan
Michael Franck Building
306 Townsend St.
Lansing, MI 48933

Dear Executive Director Janet K. Welch,

If I have this correct Michigan assistant attorney general Andrew Shirvell is licensed to practice law in the state of Michigan. I think he shouldn’t be. The man is a loon. A nutjob. A certifiable fruitcake. As evidence I put forth his blog: http://chris-armstrong-watch.blogspot.com and his recent appearance on Anderson Cooper: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/09/28/michigan.justice.blog. I know it’s only my opinion that Shirvell is bonkers, but if you watch that interview and read his website, I am sure you will come to the same conclusion.

Assistant attorney general Andrew Shirvell is making lawyers everywhere—and the State of Michigan—look bad. I doubt there is a legal way to expel Shirvell from your state (and I doubt the other 49 would want him), but I am thinking you can do something about that law license.

I’m no lawyer, so I don’t know what it takes to disbar a guy, but you should put some effort into getting this done. Gross incompetence, lack of professionalism, harassment, poor judgment, batshit crazy; take your pick and get to it! We both know Shirvell has to go, and I’m guessing it’ll be pretty hard to be an assistant attorney general without a law license. Shirvell no longer deserves to practice law. This fact seems blindingly obvious to me and all right thinking people know he’s got to go.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

SBM S T A T E   B A R   O F   M I C H I G A N

October 7, 2010

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for your letter concerning Mr. Shirvell.  The authority to investigate and discipline lawyers for violations of the Michigan Rules of Professional Conduct rests with the Attorney Grievance Commission and the Attorney Discipline Board.

Anyone may file a Request for Investigation against an attorney licensed by the State Bar of Michigan, or otherwise permitted by a court to practice in the state, by completing and signing the AGC’s Request for Investigation form or by sending in a signed letter. The form or letter must be signed and sufficiently describe the alleged misconduct (including approximate time and place). The Request for Investigation may include copies of any relevant documents or transcripts. A Request for Investigation must contain an original signature. Requests for Investigation are not accepted electronically or by facsimile.

A copy of the Request for Investigation form can be requested by calling the AGC at (313) 961-6585, or can be downloaded from the website, agcmi.com.  Requests for Investigation and any accompanying documents can be sent to:

Michigan Attorney Grievance Commission
243 W. Congress, Ste. 256
Detroit, MI 48226

The Grievance Administrator may also institute an investigation on his own based upon knowledge gained from other ways, such as news articles, court opinions, or information received in the course of a disciplinary investigation.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Janet Welch
Executive Director

p 517-346-6300
p 800-968-1442
f 517-482-6248
www.michbar.org

306 Townsend Street
Michael Franck Building
Lansing, MI
48933-2012

January 11, 2009

Firestone
Bridgestone Americas, Inc.
535 Marriot Drive
PO Box 140990
Mashville, TN 37214-0990

Dear Firestone,

What’s a guy got to do to get some stickers or something else that’s cool? I’m asking for a friend. I know, I bet you hear that a lot, but in this case it’s true! My friend, Joel Postman, would like to know what it would take to get some stickers or something cool, so I said I’d ask, so I am asking. I promise to pass the information onto him.

Don’t be surprised if you get a request for something cool from Joel Postman. Well, unless you don’t answer this letter. Then I won’t know what to tell him, and he won’t know who to ask, and you’ll hear nothing. So if you don’t write back I’ll just assume you didn’t want Joel Postman writing you!

You do know who Joel Postman is, right?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

[Editor’s Note: Firestone did not send a reply. Just a lot of stuff: Stickers, two hats, and some free tires! Well, ok, so they didn’t send tires, but they did send the rest of the stuff pictured!]

December 8, 2008

The Most Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori
Presiding Bishop and Primate
815 Second Avenue
New York City, NY 10017

Dear Most Rev. Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori,

Would it be possible for me to get an autographed photo? That would be cool of you!

I’m writing because there’s a worldwide recession going on, with cutbacks, layoffs, and permanent job losses. This got me to wondering if The Episcopal Church has had to face such hardships! I hope not, but if so, I had an idea. You could start outsourcing prayer.

I know this seems ludicrous on the face or it, but if you think it through I am sure you will decide the idea has its merits. Many members of The Episcopal Church are busy people with little time for things like prayer, and there are places like India with lots of people that need employment. I figure a system could be set up whereby for a small fee Americans could pay one of these needy people to doing the praying on their behalf.

Money would be funneled into impoverished areas of India, Americans would have more time to do good works instead of just praying, and as an added bonus thousands of Indians could be exposed to your ministries!

It seems like a win all around if you ask me.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

[Editor’s note: The contents of the card are transcribed below. A photo was received as well.]

Please accept this as a token of my prayers and warm wishes

The Most Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori Presiding Bishop and Primate The Episcopal Church

815 Second Avenue New York, New York 10017

January 16, 2009

[Click to see larger.]

December 9, 2009

George W. Hart
3 Stony Rd.
Stony Brook, NY 11790

Dear George W. Hart,

I checked out your website and it’s pretty cool. You have a lot of neat stuff on there. I wish my office looked like yours, but unfortunately I’m not creatively inclined.

So I thought I’d send you a letter and you could do something cool to it and send it back (or send me one you’ve written on your own). I thought maybe you could cut a piece of paper into a mobile or fold it in on itself in some way that defies physics like you did to that bagel!

Please sign the completed work so I can prove to people that I have an authentic George W. Hart hanging in my cubical!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

[Editor’s note: This card is what was received. Click either for a bit bigger image.]

July 17, 2008

Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
One Busch Place
St. Louis, MO 63118

Dear Budweiser,

I wrote previously (reference number: 5012116) and was told I had to call a number and tell you how old I was because you can’t market to minors. I did this and the nice woman on the phone promised you’d send me out some free stuff. I wasn’t really expecting free beer, but I thought a clydesdale ride or a free car or something would have been nice.

It’s been 10 weeks, and I am still waiting. I think we can both agree I’ve been fairly patient.

I’m almost 38, so I wasn’t lying about my age if that’s what you’re worried about. But you do realize minors are often dishonest and could lie about these things (even on the phone). Am I being neglecgted because you recently sold yourself to Belgium brewer InBev? Should I be writing them? I so totally would if you’d send me their address!

Don’t worry if you can’t send me anything now. I’ve grown quite used to a life of disappointment. Besides, I can always start drinking Warsteiner beer (Bud can become my second favorite European beer).

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble if some underpaid intern or marketing drone just stole my swag.

¹ Letter originally used my home address. I no longer give this out every since the Nathan Fillion incident.

Reply:

Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
One of the Anheuser-Busch Companies

07/28/2008

[Address redacted]

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for writing back to Anheuser-Busch. We appreciate your continued interest in our beers.

Our records indicate that our phone representative did send a few small Bud Light items. Unfortunately, the complimentary merchandise we sometimes send as a gesture of goodwill is not permanent, and our inventory is currently depleted.

Although we are unable to re-send the items that were shipped to you (and would not be able to send the car or Clydesdale hitch ride you were expecting), we are more than happy to keep your contact information on file for future mailings.

Again, Mr. Jorgenson, thank you for keeping in touch with Anheuser-Busch. As always, please let us know if you have additional questions or comments.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Kim Burke
Manager
Customer Relationship Group
Anheuser-Busch, Inc.

5012116B

Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
One Busch Place
St. Louis, MO U.S.A. 63118-1852

July 17, 2008

The J.M. Smucker Co.
1 Strawberry Lane
Orrville, Ohio 44667-0280

Dear Smuckers,

I was wondering, worldwide, what is the downright oddest thing you guys put in a jar? What about the hottest?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Smuckers®

Since 1897

July 21, 2008

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for your recent message regarding where you may purchase Smucker Products in your area. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.

As you may have discovered, many of our items are not offered in all market areas.  You may visit our website at www.smuckers.com to place an order or you may contact our catalog department at 800-742-6729.

Thank you again for contacting The J. M. Smucker Company. We trust this information has been of assistance to you.  If you should require additional information or assistance, please contact us at 888-550-9555, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.

Sincerely,

[signed]

Debbie Sparrow
Consumer Relations Representative

Ref #8028066

Enclosure: 1 Smucker’s On-line Store Catalog(s)

THE J.M. SMUCKER COMPANY • STRAWBERRY LANE, ORRVILLE, OHIO 46667-0280 TELEPHONE (330) 682-3000 • FAX (330) 684-3370 • www.smuckers.com

April 29, 2008

Sen. Chuck Grassley
135 Hart Senate Bldg.
Washington, DC 20510-1501

Dear Senator Grassley,

Anyway I could get an autographed photo for my girlfriend? Just make it out to “

” if you would, please. Thanks!

Also, recently you were quoted in the media as making the following statement:

“If part of our problem is that the Chinese are going to eat meat and you’ve got to have corn and soybeans to feed the Chinese their meat, then why isn’t it just as legitimate for the Chinese to go back and eat rice as it is for us to change our policy on corn to ethanol?”

So I decided to do a little research and find out if the Chinese were indeed eating more meat, and was shocked to discover they eat dog meat! They call these “Food Dogs,” and as horrifying as I found this idea, it got me to thinking. Really there is no difference between eating dog and eating cow, pig, or horse!

Maybe this is the solution. If your office could promote a “meat breed,” of dog the Chinese might start eating MORE dog. They could even come up with their own version of the American dream, “A puppy in every pot and a rickshaw outside every straw hut.”

One of the websites I looked at said Saint Bernards are fast growing and disease resistant. They also eat less, and breed fast. This seems like the ideal dog for you to promote. You could also consider the Yorkie. This dog would make a great appetizer.

Seems like a win win to me. We get to keep our ethanol, and the Chinese get more meat. We’d have another great product to export, and the Iowa farmer could get rich off puppy mills!

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. you’re the only Republican I’ve ever voted for (I think).

Reply:

United States Senate
Charles E. Grassley
Washington, DC 20510-1501

June 27, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thank you for taking time to contact me.  As your senator, it is important for me to hear from you.

I appreciate hearing your thoughts regarding the high price of food and your thoughts regarding the use of ethanol as a renewable motor fuel. For almost 30 years, I have been leading an effort with many of my colleagues to promote policies to grow a domestic renewable fuels industry. We have promoted homegrown renewable fuels as a way to lessen our dependence on foreign oil and to improve our air quality.

I have heard the argument about the effect of corn ethanol on domestic and global food prices. Food prices are going up.  Of course, we all have to be sympathetic to that, whether it is in America or abroad.  People struggling with higher prices for food is not something we like to hear.  However, to put all the blame at the feet of the U.S. ethanol industry is misplaced.

With regard to wheat, rice, and lentils, economists indicate that the global demand for food from a growing middle-class in China and India has had the most impact.  Weather trends, including a historic drought in Australia and poor growing conditions in Southeast Asia and Eastern Europe have had a much greater impact on the supply of rice and wheat.  The truth is, global demand and prices for all commodities have increased.

One of the biggest reasons for rising food prices is the rising cost of oil. A recent Texas A&M study concluded that the biggest driving force behind the higher food costs is higher energy costs.  Iowa State University’s Center for Agriculture and Rural Development has stated that without the ethanol we have, you would be paying 30 to 40 cents more for a gallon of gasoline. Since Texas A&M says energy is the biggest reason for the increased costs of food, you would have yet higher food prices without having ethanol.

Joseph Glauber, chief economist at the U.S. Department of Agriculture, recently testified that rising prices for corn and soybeans have had little or no effect on the high price for wheat, rice, and other food commodities.  Dr. Glauber cited worldwide economic growth, global weather problems, rising marketing costs, and a weak U.S. dollar as having a greater role than biofuels in the cost of food being higher and even being scarce.

U.S. farmers responded to these increased demands for grain and produced a record corn crop in 2007. We grew more acres of corn in 2007 than any year since 1944.  We produced 2.7 billion more bushels of corn in 2007 than 2006. Out of those 2.7 billion bushels, the growth in ethanol demand only used the equivalent of 600 million of them.  Those who are concerned about not having enough corn need to take into consideration the 2.1 billion bushels more that we raised that was not used for ethanol.

Exports have grown as well.  The U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that this year’s corn exports will be a record 2.5 billion bushels.  This is up 18 percent over last year.  We are getting that surplus production in the United States around the world where it is needed.  One of the places it is needed is in China.  They do not export corn anymore.  In the 1980s, the Chinese were eating 44 pounds of meat a year.  The most recent data shows the Chinese are now eating 111 pounds of meat a year.  They are going from rice to value-added food products.  They need some of our corn to do that and we are glad to sell it to them.

With these facts, it is hard to argue that the domestic ethanol industry is diverting corn from feed or food markets.  It is also important to keep in mind that a tiny fraction of the cost of retail food is the result of farm inputs.

According to the USDA, just 19 cents of every consumer dollar spent on food can be attributed to the actual cost of food inputs like grains.  A standard box of corn cereal contains approximately 10 ounces, or 1/90th of a bushel of corn.  If a bushel of corn is worth $4, a box of cereal has less than a nickel’s worth of corn. In meat production, 3.6 pounds of corn is needed to produce one pound of pork.  At $3.50 per bushel for corn, the cost to produce one pound of pork is a mere 22.5 cents.

The truth is that ethanol is reducing our dependence upon foreign oil.  Ethanol has a significant net energy balance.  The same cannot be said for gasoline.  Ethanol is reducing our greenhouse gas emissions.  Ethanol is not the reason for rising food and feed prices here at home or abroad.  Ethanol is lowering the price of crude oil and lowering the price of gasoline.  Ethanol is increasing our national security, helping our balance of trade, reducing our dependence upon Middle East oil and the whims of big oil.

Again, thank you for contacting me.  I appreciate hearing your views and urge you to keep in touch.

Sincerely,

[signed with autopen]

Charles E. Grassley
United States Senator

CEG/cs

June 9, 2008

Starbucks Corporate Offices
2401 Utah Avenue South, Suite 800
Seattle, WA 98134 USA

Dear Starbucks,

We desperately need a Starbucks in Slater, IA! Right now our only choice for a hot morning beverage is Casey’s coffee. This isn’t exactly the best coffee in the world if you know what I’m saying!

Here’s a fact that might make you interested:

According to the Slater website (http://www.slater-iowa.org) we have 1306 citizens in our little “Community United for Progress,” but it feels like at least 1326!

There’s prime real estate available located on the NE side of the intersection of highways 210 and R38 (only 6 miles from the I-35 corridor!). I am including a photo. I know it’s a “fixer upper,” but I know you have some cash for these sorts of things (I checked, it’s not on any historic rolls).

If you prefer you could start fresh right across the street! The old high school used to be here (there isn’t a “new” high school in Slater). I’ll include a photo of this area as well.

With Casey’s as your only real competitor for coffee you’d have a virtual monopoly in the Greater Slater Area!

I think it’s your moral responsibility to do this. Heck, you opened a store in Argentina and they’re like part of the Third World (aren’t they?). Contributing to small town economies is the wave of the future! You could be the Wal-Mart of coffee!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Starbucks Coffee Company
Customer Relations
P.O. Box 3717
Seattle, WA 98124-3717
800/235-2883 (800/23-LATTE)

June 14, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thanks so much for your suggestion regarding a potential Starbucks store location in Slater, IA.

We’re always looking for great new places to open stores, so I’d be more than happy to pass along your comments to our Store Development Team for their consideration.

Thanks for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest and look forward to seeing you in our stores soon!

Sincerely,

Daniel M.
Customer Relations
Starbucks Coffee Company

May 8, 2008

Tesco PLC
New Tesco House
Delamare Road
Cheshunt
Hertfordshire
England EN8 9SL

Dear Tesco,

My girlfriend lived in Scotland for like 5 years, and about the only thing she ever talks about with nostalgia, from her time abroad, is your stores. She thinks they’re all that and a bag of chips (I hear you call them crisps over there).

Anyway, I was wondering if you have any plans on opening full blown Tesco stores near Ames, Iowa (that’s in the USA) any time soon.

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Tesco
Customer Service Center
Baird Avenue
Dundee
DD2 3TN
Freephone 0800 505555

Our ref: 8535233

May 26, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr Jorgensen

Thank you for contacting us in regards to your request for store openings within the USA.

We are now bringing out unique brand of customer service and innovative store concepts to the West Coast of the United States, beginning with California, Nevada and Arizona. Our new U.S store concept Fresh & Easy Neighbourhood Market is all about being a fresh and easy place to shop, a good neighbour, and a great place to work.

At Fresh & Easy, our core purpose is to create value for customers to earn their lifetime loyalty. In fact, no one tries harder for customers than we do. And since retailing is a people business, we strive to treat our employees how we like to be treated.

If you would like more information the please go to www.freshandeasy.com

Yours sincerely
For and on behalf of Tesco Stores Ltd

Mandi Dean
Customer Service Manager

OVERSEAS

April 21, 2008

Best Buy Co., Inc.
Corporate Headquarters
P.O. Box 9312
Minneapolis, MN 55440-9312

Dear Best Buy,

You should really consider changing your name to “Not the Best Buy.” Doing some simple comparison shopping on products like DVD titles to Amazon’s prices you are way higher. Take any audio or computer cable you sell and it can be found cheaper online. I’m pretty sure there’s a concept called “Truth in Advertising,” so how do you justify charging more than others with a name like Best Buy? Maybe there’s no concept of “Truth in Stare Names.”

It makes me feel like I can find anything in your store cheaper someplace else if I am only willing to look. Maybe you could color code your price tags so I can know which products really are good buys? This would be helpful.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Best Buy

April 28, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Thank you for taking the time to contact the corporate offices of Best Buy regarding product pricing. Please allow me to address your concerns accordingly.

Several factors are taken into account when selecting prices for the products we offer through our stores and online at BestBuy.com. These factors include but are not limited to competitor pricing, manufacturing costs, local market demand, and short-term market reactions. Since these variables are subject to change, Best Buy is constantly evaluating the prices of our products and making appropriate changes.

Thank you again for contacting Best buy to share your concerns. We appreciate your patronage and hope you will let us know of any future questions.

Sincerely,

Yatesh Singh
Consumer Relations

Best Buy Customer Care • P.O. Box 9312 • Minneapolis, MN 55440-9312 • (888) 237-8289 • NYSE symbol: BBY

April 17, 2008

Menard, INC.
Customer Service Dept.
4777 Menard Dr.
Eau Claire, WI 54703

Dear Menard’s,

I love your store. Whenever I break something around my house my first thought is, “Bet Lowe’s has a kit for that,” and usually they do. But when they don’t I usually visit your store!

It’s not that you are my second choice, they just happen to be closer.

I love walking up and down your aisles imaging I know what half the stuff is used for! I also like looking at tools and imagining all the cool things I could build if I were the sort to build things. Kind of like when you go to a movie you imagine yourself being the actor on the screen. Well, when I am in your store I like to pretend I’m the sort of guy who could actually use a nail gun.

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

¹ Originally this letter used my home address. I stopped giving this out every since Gene Simmons used my bathroom “for a big one.”]

Reply:

Menard, INC.

Guest Services Department
Arlene Krueger - Manager

April 24, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Christopher:

Thank you for taking the time to write and for the business you have given us.

Thank you for your comments regarding our stores. It is always nice to hear that all people can enjoy our stores, whether it is for large projects, small projects, or even just browsing.

Sincerely,

(signed)

Arlene Krueger, Manager
Guest Services
Menard, Inc.

AK/ss

4777 MENARD DR. • EAU CLAIRE, WI 54703 • FAX (715) 876-2868

April 10, 2008

The Coca-Cola Company
P.O. Box 1734
Atlanta, GA 30301

Dear Coke,

I honestly like Coke better than Pepsi, but I like Mt. Dew more than Mello Yello, so I am confused by which soda company is my favorite. So I decided to write this letter and ask for some free stuff. I’m sending this same letter to both companies. The one that sends me cooler swag will be my official favorite beverage maker!

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

cc: Pepsi

¹ Originally this letter used my home address. I no longer give this out every since Mean Joe Green threw his sweaty shirt at me.

Reply:

April 24, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

Greetings from your friends at The Coca-Cola Company. We are always happy to receive letters from our consumers and appreciate your taking the time to write.

Although we do not have funding set aside for large premium items, we have enclosed a token of our appreciation that we hope you will enjoy.

Thank you for your interest in out brands. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us again.

Sincerely,

[scanned signature]

Lesley,
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company

Enclosure(s):

1 Sticker A(s)
1 Stickers B(s)

1-1013089681

April 15, 2008

Governor Chet Culver
State Capitol
1007 East Grand Ave.
Des Moines, IA 50319

Dear Governor Culver,

Congratulations on your recent anti-smoking legislation!

I have a suggestion on what you should focus on next. Now that Iowans will no longer be allowed to smoke in restaurants or bars the “no smoking” sections will no longer be needed. I think a law should be passed to make these “no kids allowed” sections. Just like they were before, but instead of banning smokers, you get a law passed banning kids!

Think about it. How many times has a perfectly good meal, that you paid hard earned money for, been ruined by a crying baby, screaming toddler, or a pesky child poking his head over the back of your booth? With the declining dollar, and rising food and fuel costs, it becomes ever more important that Iowans out for a relaxing meal actually get to relax.

I realize kids aren’t as bad as smokers (since they haven’t been proven to cause cancer), but they can be just as annoying. Isn’t it about time something was done about this?

On a different note, I thought Barack Obama stood no chance of becoming President with a name like that! But I figure if a man named “Chet” can become Governor, we can have a President named Barak. Thanks for endorsing him. You had my vote, he’ll get mine in the general election.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. if possible could I get an autographed photo?

¹ Originally this letter used my home address. I no longer give this out every since the Kanye West thing.

Reply:

Office of the Governor

Chester J. Culver
Governor

Patty Judge
Lt. Governor

April 22, 2008

Christopher Jorgensen
PO Box 93042
Des Moines,  IA 50393

Dear Christopher:

Thank you for contacting our office regarding state prohibitions against smoking.  We appreciate your taking the time to contact us.

When House File 2212 – the Smoke Free Air Act – was enacted into law, it made Iowa the 14th state in the nation to pass a statewide smoking ban that includes restaurants, bars and workplaces.  Our goal is to make Iowa the healthiest state in the nation. We understand there are compelling arguments against this bill; no legislation is perfect, however, we believe that the bottom line is that this bill will save lives.  Our Administration believes that by enacting the Smoke Free Air Act our state is joining together with one common purpose: to build a healthier Iowa.

We understand that Iowans have many questions regarding exactly where smoking will, and will not, be permitted in Iowa on July 1, 2008.  The Iowa Department of Public Health (IDPH) is in the process of writing Administrative Rules to provide guidance on the enforcement provisions of the law.  The Administrative Rules have not been finalized. As more information becomes available, it will be posted on the IDPH website: http://www.idph.state.ia.us/tobacco/smokefree.asp . This website also has a link to House File 2212, and provides an opportunity for Iowans to ask IDPH questions.

Again thank you for contacting our office and please feel free to do so in the future.

Sincerely,

[signed] [signed]

Chester J. Culver Patty Judge
Governor Lt. Governor

STATE CAPITOL DES MOINES, IOWA 50319 515.281.5211 FAX 515.281.6611 WWW.GOVERNOR.IOWA.GOV

[Editor’s Note: This second response was unsolicited. At no time did Jackass Letters contact the Governor’s office regarding “House File 2700.”]

Office of the Governor

Chester J. Culver
Governor

Patty Judge
Lt. Governor

May 20, 2008

Christopher Jorgensen
PO Box 93042
Des Moines,  IA 50393

Dear Christopher:

Thank you for writing to our office concerning the Certificate of Need provision in House File 2700.  We appreciate your taking the time to contact us about this important issue.  This provision was signed into law on May 15, 2008.

While we have carefully listened to those who have expressed concerns about the manner in which the Certificate of Need matter was addressed by the legislature, upon careful review we have concluded that the legislation protects the public interest by providing greater direction to the Iowa Department of Public Health regarding replacement of hospitals within a county’s borders.

By enacting this provision only federally designated Critical Access Hospital in rural parts of our state will be able to use the replacement exception to the Certificate of Need process.  Previous Department of Public Health interpretations would have exempted both urban and rural hospitals seeking to build a replacement facility from the Certificate of Need process.

Under the new law those hospitals that are planning new, and not merely replacement, facilities in urban areas, will no longer be able to use the replacement exclusion to avoid the Certificate of Need process.

In allowing this language to stand we have provided Critical Access Hospitals in rural areas with the discretion to replace aging facilities that provide important access to healthcare.  However, we continue to protect the process for Certificate of Need evaluation of any future expansion plans by health care entities in the more urban areas of our state and ongoing evaluations of increased service area capacities.

Once again thank you for contacting our office.  We appreciate your input.

Sincerely,

[signed] [signed]

Chester J. Culver Patty Judge
Governor Lt. Governor

STATE CAPITOL DES MOINES, IOWA 50319 515.281.5211 FAX 515.281.6611 WWW.GOVERNOR.IOWA.GOV

April 15, 2008

Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Holdings, Inc.
30 Community Drive
South Burlington, VT 05403-6828

Dear Ben & Jerry,

You guys sent me an email offer for a free ice cream cone, but when I went to your online Scoop Shop Locator store finder it would not tell me where the closest Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shop is! All it would do is tell me there wasn’t one within 100 miles of Slater, IA. This hurt my feelings and made me feel like I live in the middle of nowhere! I wish it would actually tell me where the closest one is, since I might be up for a road trip.

I don’t really think it’s fair you taunt me with a free offer that I can’t participate in. I really like your ice cream. “Chubby Hubby” is my favorite even though I am not married. I am a bit chubby though. Maybe you could mail me some to the above address? If you think it would melt in the mail you don’t have to send me any.

You could just open up a shop in Slater, IA. That would be really cool. Then I wouldn’t have to drive at all!

Have you ever thought of coming out with some “Jerry and Ben’s” ice cream? I bet it would be even better! Ben’s got nothing on Jerry! If you use this idea, please send me something cool, since I came up with the idea.

Thanks.

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. facebook is lame.

enc: printout of email offer I can’t take advantage of.

¹Originally this letter used my home address. Subsequent letters use my PO Box. I have used this address for consistency and to avoid confusion.

Reply:

Ben & Jerry’s

April 22, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Christopher,

Thank you very much for contacting us. It was nice to hear from you.

We are sorry to hear that there is no scoop shop close enough for you to get a free cone. We are opening shops as fast as we can. Your request for a shop in your town has been sent to our Retail Operation department for review. We hope it will give them a chance to get one out your way someday in the future.

Thank you for writing and caring.

Sincerely,

(signed “Sharon”)

Consumer Affairs

Enc.

Hey! We respect your privacy, so we’d like you to know that we’ve saved your name and address and we might be contacting you in the future. We’ve got a great privacy policy which we’d be happy to share with you. To get a copy or to let us know you’d rather we didn’t contact you, visit out website, http://www.benjerry.com/our_company/privacy/, or give us a call at (802) 846-1500 M-F, 9-5 ET and ask for Consumer Affairs.

30 Community Dr./So. Burlington, VT 05403-6828 tel: 802/846-1500 online: www.benjerry.com

April 10, 2008

PepsiCo, Inc.
700 Anderson Hill Road
Purchase, NY 10577

Dear Pepsi,

I honestly like Coke better than Pepsi, but I like Mt. Dew more than Mello Yello, so I am confused by which soda company is my favorite. So I decided to write this letter and ask for some free stuff. I’m sending this same letter to both companies. The one that sends me cooler swag will be my official favorite beverage maker!

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

cc: Coke

¹[Editor’s Note: Originally this letter used my home address, but I stopped giving this out Gabrielle Anwar kept stealing my yogurt.]

Reply:

PepsiCo, Inc.

April 16, 2008

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

Dear Mr. Jorgensen:

We were very excited to receive your letter. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us here at Pepsi-Cola. Hearing from you really made our day!

All of us here at Pepsi work hard to ensure the quality of everything we do, from selecting our ingredients to the production of our award winning ads. So you can imagine how please we are to hear from the people who are most important to us, consumers like you.

I promise to share your thoughtful comments with the appropriate individuals here at the Pepsi-Cola Company. Again, thank your for contacting us, and good luck with all of your endeavors.

Sincerely,

Stephanie White
Consumer Relations Representative

SWH/KKA

Enclosures
011572918A

April 11, 2008

Cracker Barrel Home Office
P. O. Box 787
Lebanon, TN 37088-0787

Dear Cracker Barrel,

You need a restaurant in Ames. I am tired of driving to Des Moines. If your food wasn’t so good I wouldn’t. I love your biscuits. My girlfriend loves your apple butter. We both think the turkey sausage is super yummy.

Thanks for making such good food. Please open a restaurant in Ames.

Oh, and if you feel like it, you can send us something. That would be great!

Thanks,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

Reply:

Cracker Barrel
Old Country Store

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

April 15, 2008

Cracker Barrel Home Office
P. O. Box 787 Hartmann Drive
Lebanon, TN 37088-0787

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for contacting up here at Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. We appreciate you sharing your suggestion for a store location in your area.

We anticipate building 25 new stores per year for the next several years. Although we don’t have immediate plans to build in your neck of the woods, I have forwarded your comments to our Real Estate Department for review and consideration.

We look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Sincerely,

(signed)

Jamie Word
Guest Relations Representative
Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores, Inc.

P. O. Box 787 • Hartmann Drive
Lebanon, Tennessee 37088-0787
Phone 615-444-5533