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Dear Monterey Mushrooms

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010


January 30, 2012


Monterey Mushrooms, Inc.
260 Westgate Drive
Watsonville, CA 95076


Dear Monterey Mushrooms,

Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes.

I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a steady diet of shit, but I have to say that one of the most disgusting sensations ever is wet and slimy mushroom flesh! It’s pretty difficult to overlook the fact this feels like holding someone’s raw liver in your hand (and yet you are about to eat this thing)! Gross! (As the kids would say.)

I did enjoy the mushroom and will get them again. Someday I might even try raising my own, so if you have any tips that would be great. I have a basement that is fairly dark and I can probably come up with my own shit, but I don’t want to eat some and see things that aren’t there or die.


Sincerely,


Christopher L. Jorgensen

Sponsor:

Reply:

Monterey ®

2/8/12

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for your letter dated Jan. 30, 12. As a fact, mushrooms grow in the dark and with light as they can be grown indoors as long as they have proper relative humidity, air circulation (CO2) and rich nutrients. The mushroom compost process takes about 3 month period from raw input materials to fruiting. I am sure no person wishes to be “kept in the dark for that long.”
    As for fecal matter, this can be an input material as we use Dpw, dried poultry waste that has been treated with high temperatures. Each of our farms pasteurizes our compost in order to condition it with high air flow.  If we do not meet time and temperatures, then we cannot grow mushrooms as it is a fungus.  If you decide to grow mushrooms in your basement, I will recommend you try growing Shiitake or Oyster mushrooms as they are not as delicate to compost and have a faster turnaround time growth period.  These mushroom “Logs” can be purchased on line and shipped to your home.  I have included care and handling tips, a recipe book and coupons for your use.

Thank you.
Christebento Alvarez
MMI Corp QA

MONTEREY MUSHROOMS, INC.
777 Maher Court, Royal Oaks, California 95076
831/728-8300 • FAX 831/728-9504

Monterey Mushrooms website: www.montereymushrooms.com

Scan of the letter from Monterey Mushrooms

Commentary:

There’s nothing that beats the handwritten letter. I’m not sure the name is correct in the transcription, but it’s what looks like.

I really do like mushrooms, but really do find wet mushrooms to be the grossest tactile experience ever. I would rather hold a still beating animal heart than a wet mushroom. Oh well, you have to suffer for the best foods.

Monterey sent me some coupons too! They paid for me to dine on fungus! It was yummy.

By Christopher L. Jorgensen

Website: http://jackassletters.com

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Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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