Changing the World One Letter at a Time

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Featured Letter

Best of Letters

Dear Big Bird,

Can I get an autographed photo?Also, I was wondering, do you eat meat? Or are you a vegetarian? What about fish, chicken, or pork? This is kinda important.Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear Bon Ami,

I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: July 20, 2011

Dear Martha Stewart,

recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 30, 2009

Dear Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 24, 2008

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 19, 2008

More Best of Jackass Letters



The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: March 10, 2012

Dear Cockapoo Club of America,

My friend Anthony Imperioli wants both a cocker spaniel and a poodle. Unfortunately he can’t have both with his prior track record of not being able to care for more than one pet at a time (don’t even ask about the miniature donkeys!), so I suggested he get a cockapoo! At first he wouldn’t believe there was any such thing, but when I showed him pictures he instantly fell…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Clean Waste,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Fazoli’s,

My friend Anthony Imperioli absolutely refuses to eat in your restaurants. He says they aren’t “authentic” (whatever that means!). I say it’s his loss. He’s the one missing out on free breadsticks! I think it’s because Anthony is Italian that he’s such a food snob, but it could be because he’s Canadian? Are your restaurants in Canada different than the US ones?…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Chuck Testa,

I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear CString,

First off, I think I am missing the men’s section on your website. I doubt I could still get one by Christmas, but honestly, I live in Iowa, so having one during the winter is pretty stupid, but as long as I get mine before summer I’ll be happy. What do you need to know so I can insure a proper fit? Length and girth I am assuming, but maybe a measurement from some point on…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: December 7, 2009

More Anthony Imperioli Letters



Dead Letter Office

Dear Care Bears,

I am not sure you are aware there are people who call themselves "furries." These are people who like to dress up in anthropomorphic animal costumes and engage in bizarre behaviors (I'm not one of these people!).Anyway, I was thinking you could make lots of money if you came out…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Elf on the Shelf,

Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said:“This ‘Elf on the Shelf’ crap is going too far. Have you read this shit? It is like the Department of Homeland Security created a toy and a…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: December 5, 2012

Dear Ruth Marcus,

I wanted to express my opinion on your November 29, 2011 column. I should have probably written this letter months ago, but I am not a fast thinker.  You take Emma Sullivan to task and call her “potty-mouthed” because she used the word “sucks” to describe Kansas Gov.…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 17, 2012

Dear Congressman Steve King,

I think you are a hate mongering, homophobic, racist bigot and a shame to the state of Iowa. How do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Any way I can get an autographed photo?

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 18, 2008

More Unanswered Letters


Archived Letters

Additional Archived Letters


Worst of Letters

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 7, 2013

Dear Exotic Feline Rescue Center,

Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile.  I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: December 10, 2010

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear Hobby Lobby,

You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 10, 2008

Dear David Thorne,

I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: November 21, 2008

More Worst of Jackass Letters



Points of Interest