FUQ (pronounced Fək)
Frequently Unasked Questions
How come I can’t comment on your site?
You can. Put your thoughts down on a piece of paper, put this in an envelope, slap a stamp on it and tell me what’s what! Only include commentary you’d like to appear on this site. Including a donation with your comment will totally influence my perception of you.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Didn’t you used to have a different address?
Yes, but due to the impending collapse of the US government my old PO Box closed (along with the post office that housed it. It’s a sad day in America when we have to close such landmarks as the original Jackass Letters PO Box.
Are these real letters? Did you actually send them? Are the replies real as well?
Yes. Errors and all. I try to accurately reproduce the letters from the companies and individuals. You can compare the scans below each letter to what’s been transcribed. I don’t care about my typos—since that’s how they were sent out—but if any of the replies have them (and it’s my error) I will fix them if they are pointed out.
How come sometimes it says your address is redacted but your PO Box is on the letter?
Because I used to use my home address, but then I started writing crazy people and strange things started happening, so I stopped using that address and took out a PO Box. I have used this address for consistency and to avoid confusion (even if I actually didn’t on the letter). Sorry if this confuses you.
Are you on twitter?
Yes. @jackassletters I don’t feel an obligations to follow anyone back, and I also feel free to unfollow people if they are contributing nothing worth reading. I tend to only care about real people who actively engage. If you follow me there from reading about me here let me know.
Are you on facebook?
Yes I am: www.facebook.com/jackassletters
Do you take donations?
How come your site looks like shit in my browser?
Because you’re not on a Mac using Safari. I suggest upgrading. In the event you have no plans to change then take a screenshot of what looks like crap and send it to me. I’ll be even more likely to address the problem if you include a little scratch with your suggested corrections. If you know the fix include that as well. I am a letter writer, not a web designer.
How come the scans of the letters get smaller when I click them
Because you have a small crappy monitor.
Aren’t you just ripping off…?
I am standing on the shoulders of giants on this one. Alexander Pope, John Locke, Don Novello (aka Lazlo Toth, aka Fr. Guido Sarducci), Jonathan Swift, Ted L. Nancy, Kembrew McLeod, Henry Root, Paul Rosa, Hans Christian Andersen, The Yes Men, Benjamin Franklin, and Ted Kazynski to name a few. This site is not a new idea, but little on the internet ever is.
Will you send me a letter? Please?
No. I try hard to never target those aware of the site. This might be fun for you, but it fails to amuse me, so ends up being a waste of a perfectly good stamp.
What’s your end goal here?
To have my letters used as examples in every business and technical writing class in America (and beyond), so I can bank a bunch of royalty checks. Remember, this site is under copyright. Send me a check if you want to use anything. Really. Well, unless you’re a high school or grade school teacher. You can use my materials in your class for free.
What’s the hardest part of doing this site?
Well, because of globalization, mergers & acquisitions, and world dominating conglomerates, sometimes a perfectly good joke is lost because I’ve already written the parent company. The list of companies I actually want to write isn’t as long as you would think. I tend to only write companies I love or hate. Occasionally I write some individual or corporation I know nothing about, but this is a rare occurrence. Finding addresses is difficult, and even if I manage this I often get thwarted by finding out Unilever and Warren Buffett owns everything (and Warren’s on to me!).
Do you make a living doing this?
I do not make a living doing this. In fact I lose money. This is an expensive hobby. I’ve gone through several hundred dollars in postage alone! I rely on the generous donations of my readers to keep Jackass Letters going. If you’re the type of person that has read down this far you really are the type of person that should consider donating.
Can I suggest someone for you to write?
Can I help you out in anyway?
We’re a company that wants to preemptively write you a letter and send you some cool swag? Can we?
Yes and no. Keep the letter to yourself and just send the swag. Don’t write me, I’ll write you. If you want to suggest I write a company (even yours), great, just follow the directions on how to do this listed above. Writing to me won’t guarantee any kind of response. But in the end, it’s your stamp. God knows I can’t stop you. I expect you to live by the same rules I endure (it’s such a hardship).
I think these letters are really funny and you are the greatest writer living. Can I give you lots of money to syndicate these letters in my print or online publication? Is there a book or movie deal yet?
No syndication plans at this time, but feel free to make me an offer. I do have plans to create eBooks of my letters. As it is now you can get a DMR-free PDF of my unanswered letters by making a $5 or more donation. If you’re interested in contacting me for a movie deal I must stipulate that Casey Affleck play me. I do occasionally guest post on other people’s sites. If you are interested in having me do this, just get in touch and I will check out your site.
Can I advertise on your site?
How long does it take you to write one of these letters?
About 10 minutes if I am sober, less if drunk. The hardest part is coming up with places to write and finding contact information. Once I think of where I am writing the jokes usually write themselves.
Isn’t this a stupid pointless expensive hobby? How much have you spent so far?
It’s a lifestyle choice, not a hobby. I’ve stopped counting how much I have spent. Letter writing is more expensive than beer, cheaper than hookers.
Are you afraid of being sued?
Yes. And any Cease and Desist letters or take down notices will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza for review. I’m not wanting to upset anyone, so a polite request will most likely result in compliance.
Aren’t you wasting people’s time? Do you feel bad for it?
Yes I am. Bear in mind, no one says these people have to read my letters or bother to respond. I’ve only felt bad once, but that was before I knew better.
Couldn’t you use your talents as a force for good?
Yes, but it wouldn’t be nearly as fun.
Are you afraid you will get on some kind of list or piss someone off so badly they will come to your door?
I’m already on all those lists, and the people already come to my door.
Are these letters sequential?
No. I tend to send them in batches. Replies are kind of like me, they come in spurts. I can’t post based off the date I sent them or the date I received them. They go up as I see fit. I am also disorganized, and easily distracted (look! something shiny) so some letters may never go up.
If I write a stupid letter and get a stupid reply would you be interested in paying me to put it on your stupid site?
At this point, I have enough letters and enough replies of my own, so am not interested, and since I’m not interested, I’m not paying.
Do you expect everyone to respond?
Not really. That’s part of the joke. Get it? No? Go away!
Do you really get asked these questions? They seem made up.
I made up some, some actually got asked. I don’t remember which are which.