She says, “Now don’t get pist,
but you’ll be put on a list,
or taken away in the night.
Your head is just not right!”
There is a laugh, then a sigh,
and she asks the obvious “Why?”
I can offer no more than a stare
when asked, “What goes on up there?”
We both know my head’s not right,
It’s apparent in the letters I write.
But I never claimed to have class,
I’ve only ever claimed to be a jackass.
[Editor’s note: Original appearance of above poem: Writing Roads website (Now defunct.)]
I launched this site on June 2nd, 2008.
Jackass Letters is dedicated to examining correspondence with real people and companies. It is equal parts spoof, satire, parody and criticism. New letters are generally published once a week.
Is my motivation greed? Am I just clamoring after free stuff? No. Free stuff is cool, but I enjoy the process, enjoy the responses more than any of the swag. Daily I made the trip to my mail box only to see it stuffed with junk mail and bills. Now I look forward to getting mail again!
I have a few rules that I seldom violate.
- All letters must not contain lies (they don’t have to be the truth, they just can’t lie).
- Courier is the official Jackass Letters font
- Letters (errors and all) will appear here exactly as they were sent.
- All envelopes must be hand addressed.
- I can’t ask for a specific items other than photos.
- Letters must be pithy (no more than one page).
- Letters must be signed.
- When applicable I will ask for an autographed photo.
The art of the letter is nearly lost. This is a skill I am cultivating. This site is inspired by the Lazlo Letters and by sitting through countless Business Communication classes.
When I first started this project I was unsure which address I would be sending the letters to. I mean do you send it to the marketing department, advertising, corporate headquarters, or where? This problem was quickly solved once I learned it’s hard to find any address for most companies or individuals. They would prefer you contact them through email or a web form. Finding a physical address, in some cases, has been quite the challenge.
My handwriting is bad to say the least. My girlfriend says it’s like a Kindergartner’s. She calls it, “Christopher at 5.” She’s being too kind. I am incapable of writing a character the same way twice. And this is print (even I can’t read my cursive if too much time has passed after I’ve written something down)! This is why I type these letters, but they are still hand addressed and signed.
Someone suggested that these letters will get me put on a “watch list,” and again, the overly kind girlfriend said they won’t bother doing that, they’ll “just come for you in the night!” Another friend thought no one would bother writing back (he was wrong). I’ve been doing this for a while now. It’s a growing game.
I aim to share, aim to have some fun, and hope no one takes me too seriously.
I am standing on the shoulders of giants on this one. Alexander Pope, John Locke, Henry Root, Don Novello (aka Lazlo Toth, aka Fr. Guido Sarducci), Jonathan Swift, Ted L. Nancy, Paul Rosa, Benjamin Franklin, and Ted Kazynski to name a few. This site is not a new idea, but little on the internet ever is.
I hope you enjoy my letters and responses.