Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
October 9, 2020
Bee Bald LLC
3311 Richmond Road, Suite 200
Beachwood, Ohio 44122
Dear Bee Bald,
I am writing you because I too am bald with a beard much like your founder Dennis Fisher. Mine is much much bigger. Don’t worry, this isn’t a competition (if it were though I’d win!)
I am one of those people who shaves once or twice a year (whether I need to or not!), so I am clean shaven for approximately two or three days in any given year, with a beard that ranges from something you might see the unparalleled actress Kathy Bates sporting, to the full on Ted Kaczynski. I seem to go from daily scruff to a wizard beard overnight, so I really have a difficult time in seeing the point to shaving (or even trimming). I like my beard! I like the fact that the beard scares people. “I’m an unkept madman! Back away slowly!” it says to the world.
The way I see it every month is a “no shave” month. I don’t know why people insist on confining this non-activity to November. How can one grow a “yeard” if one doesn’t let it grow for at least a year? Besides, after going through all the work of growing a beard out for a month, why would you want to shave it off? That’s just a waste of effort if you ask me. I am quite attached to my beard (ha ha!). I will say that I’m not one of those men who actually likes his beard. I just hate shaving more. I wake up, think that today may be the day I start to have ambition, but usually that goes away if I wait a minute for it to pass. So I keep my beard until it becomes embarrassingly long. I generally shave when mothers start to shield their children from me as I pass.
I’m not leaving the house much these days, but I figure when I do finally resume my place in polite company, that perhaps I should try to present myself as someone who hasn’t just lived through a pandemic. That maybe, I should start trying to look a little more like Brad Pitt and less like Dan Haggerty. But this really isn’t something I have a lot of experience with, so I am reaching out for help. I would like to learn a new skill: Grooming.
What would you suggest for a 50 year old dude with a beard that is generally a foot or so long? I can send you photos if you need them, but since I am just a beginner with all this, I figure we should start out slow and you could recommend one of your products for me to try. Please include simple directions as I get frustrated easily.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Anyone know how much I can get for a kidney in this economy? To be clear, it won't be mine.— jackassletters.com (@jackassletters) February 25, 2009