Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s pulling my leg and being a little racist.
I am writing this letter so you can clear this up for me. I would love to put her in her place. I will pass your response on
I was also wondering if you have any plans of coming out with vegetarian SPAM or maybe just certified organic SPAM. This would be great!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. any free SWAG you could send my way? I capitalized SWAG just like you do SPAM to be clever. Hope that makes you want to send me cool stuff.
Read: SPAM Reply
Sent: April 19, 2008
I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…
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Sent: October 16, 2020
I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…
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Sent: March 11, 2020
I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible. I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…
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Sent: January 21, 2020
Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…
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Sent: March 5, 2020
I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…
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Sent: January 25, 2020
Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…
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Sent: January 21, 2020
You really should come out with scented Sharpies. When you use them as often as I do they can give you quite a headache. I think scented Sharpies would sell way better and be very popular in the high schools! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: July 1, 2009
I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…
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Sent: September 26, 2012
First off, can I get an autographed photo of one or both of you? I also have a few questions, and you’re my last best hope. I already asked the Ringling Brothers, but I guess those guys are too busy, so I thought I’d ask you instead, since I know you’ll have the time! I am interested in becoming a clown. Even my best friends consider me to be a jackass, I don’t mind…
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Sent: October 25, 2010
I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…
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Sent: July 20, 2011
As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…
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Sent: April 21, 2008
On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…
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Sent: September 4, 2009
Every time my friend Anthony Imperioli walks down the pet treat aisle and he sees your products he shouts out “Dingos ate my baby!” in his best Australian accent. This is embarrassing for obvious reasons, not the least of which, being Canadian his Australian accent really sucks. Then he always proceeds to ask me if I knew that there was a fictional band named “Dingos Ate…
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Sent: August 15, 2011
I have this friend and he likes you a lot for some reason, but Canadians also like poutine, so I wouldn’t take too much stock in this! This guy does all kinds of favors for me for no reason at all really (I don’t pay him to be my friend). I thought I would try to do something nice and get an autographed photo for him to frame and cherish forever. Can I get you to make out a…
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Sent: September 1, 2010
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…
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Sent: October 29, 2011
I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
I have the sadness that won’t go away. Recently a friend of mine was telling me about Whataburger, and it sounded good. So I decided to go to my nearest Whataburger and see what all the hype was about. I’m guessing you can guess where this letter is going based solely on…
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Sent: March 5, 2020
Look, I’m not some kind of activist vegetarian or vegan (or I’d tell you. Ha ha!). Hell, I don’t even do CrossFit (or I’d tell you. Ha ha!). I’m just a fat guy that doesn’t like to contribute to a wasteful meat industry. I hate the idea of industrialized…
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Sent: March 11, 2020
I love your Multiple Cat Formula Scoop Away Super Clump cat litter. I only have one cat, but I am not always diligent about changing her litter. I figure one cat with litter changed less often is like having a lot of cats and changing it a lot. Though there is perhaps an…
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Sent: May 12, 2008
Thanks for opening up a franchise in my area! I’m thinking of joining. I got a direct mailing that says something like $3 signup fee, and only $10 a month, and I have 24 hour access to various pieces of equipment. Now, usually, I just recycle things like this right away, but…
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Sent: February 27, 2020
I love your commercials where the old woman Ethel says she “puts that shit on everything,” but instead of actually using the word shit you bleep it. I laugh every time! I can totally relate to her (other than I’m not yet old and am all man!) I too put hot sauce on everything. Usually it’s Dave’s or Blair’s, but occasionally it’s some sriracha when I am slumming…
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Sent: September 19, 2012
I am including a $5 chip that I inadvertently forgot to cash in while I was in Las Vegas. I don’t think there will be any tax implications for either of us if you just send me a check to the above address, but if there is, can you please include whatever form I need to fill out? I realize $5 isn’t a lot of money to most people, but it is to me, so I hope whoever opens this…
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Sent: December 5, 2009
I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…
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Sent: August 27, 2010
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2008
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
