Christopher is the Magic 8 Ball of the depressingly obvious.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Deadwood,

I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…

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Sent: October 4, 2010

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

Dear Alpo,

As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…

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Sent: April 21, 2008

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear AARP,

I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…

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Sent: April 24, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Olive Garden,

I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Envirokidz,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear Chuck Testa,

I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

Dear CString,

First off, I think I am missing the men’s section on your website. I doubt I could still get one by Christmas, but honestly, I live in Iowa, so having one during the winter is pretty stupid, but as long as I get mine before summer I’ll be happy. What do you need to know so I can insure a proper fit? Length and girth I am assuming, but maybe a measurement from some point on…

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Sent: December 7, 2009

Dear Anti-Monkey Butt Powder,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…

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Sent: July 14, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him…

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Sent: January 23, 2017

Dear 50 State Security,

I would like a job application. I believe I am probably qualified for the job, and I am tired of Iowa winters! Please send to the above address. Most days I am quite content with my lot in life. I’ve most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs met (though I am still working on that…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear BASF,

I am enclosing a recipe for Norwegian Apple Pie. I know BASF doesn’t make Norwegian Apple Pie, but I was hoping you could make it better. Title: Norwegian Apple Pie Categories: Pies, Low-cal, Fruits Yield: 2 Servings Egg Sugar 1 tsp Vanilla extract 1 tsp Baking powder 1/2 C…

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Sent: May 3, 2011

Dear Carlos Miller,

I watched a video of you getting roughed up by pretend cops. I am pretty sure this isn’t the first one of these I’ve seen you starring in, but I could be wrong. There’s really not many videos out there with white guys getting a beat down by the police (pretend or…

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Sent: January 23, 2013

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Celestial Seasonings,

I just finished a box of your Raspberry Zinger tea (obviously not in one sitting!) and found it quite enjoyable. I just thought you should know this. I’ve also drank your Tangerine Orange Zinger tea. It’s quite good as well, but I like the raspberry better. You should make a Pomegranate zinger tea. I’d probably like that the best. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Cadbury,

Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…

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Sent: September 29, 2010

Dear Hobby Lobby,

You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2008

Dear Frank’s RedHot,

I love your commercials where the old woman Ethel says she “puts that shit on everything,” but instead of actually using the word shit you bleep it. I laugh every time! I can totally relate to her (other than I’m not yet old and am all man!) I too put hot sauce on everything. Usually it’s Dave’s or Blair’s, but occasionally it’s some sriracha when I am slumming…

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Sent: September 19, 2012

Dear Subway,

First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a…

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Sent: May 4, 2010

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