Served hot with a fresh cup of steaming covfefe!

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Greggs,

​I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…

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Sent: October 16, 2020

Dear Lysol,

I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers,

I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible. ​I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Christian Dior,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…

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Sent: May 29, 2008

Dear Bowl Fresh,

On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…

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Sent: September 4, 2009

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

Dear Chipotle Mexican Grill,

I’ve never eaten in one of your stores, but then I’ve never really had a reason to until recently! Yesterday I heard tell of a thing called a “quesarito” and this gave me pause. It was describes as a quesadilla wrapped around a burrito. Two layers of tortillas with cheese between them surrounding the contents of a burrito! It would take unicorn meat to make this thing…

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Sent: July 27, 2013

Dear Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…

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Sent: April 24, 2008

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

More Best of Jackass Letters


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear US Pole Dance Federation,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…

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Sent: September 27, 2011

Dear Vent Haven Museum,

Happy Halloween! I have a need for a monkey puppet. Can you help me out? I want to use it to make commentary on social media. I was going to call it “The Social Media Monkey,” but I have to admit that’s not a very catchy name. My friend Anthony Imperioli has a puppet. Her name is Nonna Maria and you have to admit that gives the puppet a bit more realism. Maybe you could…

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Sent: October 28, 2011

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Dingo Brand,

Every time my friend Anthony Imperioli walks down the pet treat aisle and he sees your products he shouts out “Dingos ate my baby!” in his best Australian accent. This is embarrassing for obvious reasons, not the least of which, being Canadian his Australian accent really sucks. Then he always proceeds to ask me if I knew that there was a fictional band named “Dingos Ate…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Clean Waste,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear New Church,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…

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Sent: March 28, 2011

More Anthony Imperioli Letters



Dead Letter Office

Dear Congressman Steve King,

I think you are a hate mongering, homophobic, racist bigot and a shame to the state of Iowa. How do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Any way I can get an autographed photo?

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Mouth,

​Man, I miss good food. I used to dine out and get takeout and due to the pandemic I am forced to make all my meals at home. This isn’t all bad. I get to put as much cheese on things as I want without having anyone looking at me funny, and I get to make food too hot for even…

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Sent: October 30, 2020

Dear Planet Fitness,

Thanks for opening up a franchise in my area! I’m thinking of joining. I got a direct mailing that says something like $3 signup fee, and only $10 a month, and I have 24 hour access to various pieces of equipment. Now, usually, I just recycle things like this right away, but…

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Sent: February 27, 2020

Dear Five Guys,

Thanks for opening up a restaurant in Ames, IA. I’ve been quite excited to eat at a Five Guys ever since I saw President Obama ordering some on TV. Your fries and milkshakes look amazing, but sadly, I am one of those people who doesn’t eat beef. I am not militant about it or…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Georgia-Pacific,

The other day I was getting out a fresh roll of toilet paper and I noticed on the side of the box it says, “Now EPA Complaint.” I’m a huge fan of buying bulk (mostly because I am cheap!), but I’m a bit concerned. If this said “EPA Compliant” I wouldn’t be worried, but the addition of that “Now” makes it seem as though previously my bathroom tissue was not…

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Sent: February 11, 2011

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear Harvestland,

You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear Archer Farms,

I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 11, 2008

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