Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
I loved how you took Glenn Beck to task and exposed him for the idiot he is. This was sheer brilliance! You, sir, are now my idol. This is a great and terrible thing, so I thought I’d write and let you know your responsibilities. If you do this, I will light a candle in your honor whenever I am in a church that allows this (for at least the next year or until I find a new…
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Sent: October 13, 2009
I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…
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Sent: April 18, 2008
recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…
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Sent: September 30, 2009
I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…
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Sent: July 20, 2011
A while back I went to your Art Center to see “Habitat Group for a Shooting Gallery” by Joseph Cornell, but was told it was “on loan.” This seems like a great program to me. I didn’t realize you did this. I am a huge Francis Bacon fan and would like to borrow, “Study After Velasquez’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X.” I have a place above my bed picked out for it,…
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Sent: April 22, 2008
For reasons I won’t go into I sometimes call my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli “Uni-ball” (it’s sort of a nickname). I thought it would be great fun to get him some of your pens as an inside joke. So I sent him some Uni-Ball Vision Elite Pens. He loved them and sent me a picture of a donkey as thanks. I’m still a Pilot Precise V5 Retractable Extra Fine Point Black…
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Sent: July 18, 2011
My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
I read on the internet that you are raising money to feed birds and I was a bit confused, because I couldn’t figure out what you were feeding them to. Then I realized you were raising money to buy nuts and seeds FOR the birds which would make more sense to me except I read that you have hundreds of birds and that it costs $500 a year to feed and house one of these things!…
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Sent: February 28, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…
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Sent: March 28, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli absolutely refuses to eat in your restaurants. He says they aren’t “authentic” (whatever that means!). I say it’s his loss. He’s the one missing out on free breadsticks! I think it’s because Anthony is Italian that he’s such a food snob, but it could be because he’s Canadian? Are your restaurants in Canada different than the US ones?…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
I was going to write a letter asking if you knew you were a loon and a fucking idiot, but I respect the office you hold too much to do anything other than assume you already know you’re a loon and a fucking idiot. Step down, laughingstock. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: August 24, 2012
I wanted to express my opinion on your November 29, 2011 column. I should have probably written this letter months ago, but I am not a fast thinker. You take Emma Sullivan to task and call her “potty-mouthed” because she used the word “sucks” to describe Kansas Gov.…
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Sent: August 17, 2012
I love shrimp. Shrimp scampi, steamed shrimp, breaded shrimp, cocktail shrimp, shrimp of all kinds and sizes! Yum yum! Recently though I read in Al Jazeera that due to BP polluting the gulf region with 4.9 million barrels of oil and the toxic Corexit dispersants used on said oil…
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Sent: May 2, 2012
I’m a bit snookered right now. Or is it snockered? Snackered? Regardless, I have had too much Templeton Rye! But I thought I should fire off this missive before going to bed or before I get too much drunker. I’m turning neurons to morons! I’ve been looking for your rye for…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2008
Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…
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Sent: January 7, 2013
First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile. I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…
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Sent: December 10, 2010
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
