Professional Idiot: Do Not Try This At Home

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Christian Dior,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…

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Sent: May 29, 2008

Dear Butterball Turkey,

This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys! Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey.…

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Sent: September 22, 2010

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

Dear Bon Ami,

I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…

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Sent: July 20, 2011

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…

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Sent: January 8, 2009

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear National Miniature Donkey Association,

I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…

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Sent: March 29, 2011

Dear Mike the Headless Chicken,

I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear New Church,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…

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Sent: March 28, 2011

Dear Quavers,

I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…

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Sent: October 29, 2011

Dear Nissan,

You guys gave my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli a Nissan Cube and I think that’s pretty cool. I was wondering what I would have to do to get one? Sure, I know I could buy or lease a Cube, but that wouldn’t be as cool as winning one. So I am hoping you’ll come out with some kind of contest I could enter (or are these kinds of contests only for Canadians?). I voted for…

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Sent: March 28, 2011

Dear Vent Haven Museum,

Happy Halloween! I have a need for a monkey puppet. Can you help me out? I want to use it to make commentary on social media. I was going to call it “The Social Media Monkey,” but I have to admit that’s not a very catchy name. My friend Anthony Imperioli has a puppet. Her name is Nonna Maria and you have to admit that gives the puppet a bit more realism. Maybe you could…

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Sent: October 28, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him…

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Sent: January 23, 2017

Dear Mehmet C. Oz,

Can I get an autographed photo? It's so totally cool that Time named you one of the world's 100 most influential people! But some of the people on that list are total tools. I mean come on, Miley Cyrus, George Clooney, and Mariah Carey? What were they thinking? They should have…

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Sent: February 11, 2009

Dear Elf on the Shelf,

Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said: I guess as a First Amendment Attorney Mr. Randazza understands he can say any old crap he wants, but who would have his children play with “razor…

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Sent: December 5, 2012

Dear ATF,

I understand alcohol and tobacco going together, and I understand firearms and explosives going together, but I don’t get how all four of these things go together. Why are these things regulated under one agency? And shouldn’t your name be the ATFE if you also deal with…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

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Worst of Letters

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear Luxor,

I am including a $5 chip that I inadvertently forgot to cash in while I was in Las Vegas. I don’t think there will be any tax implications for either of us if you just send me a check to the above address, but if there is, can you please include whatever form I need to fill out? I realize $5 isn’t a lot of money to most people, but it is to me, so I hope whoever opens this…

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Sent: December 5, 2009

Dear Cadbury,

Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…

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Sent: September 29, 2010

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

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Sent: January 7, 2013

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