Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
I loved how you took Glenn Beck to task and exposed him for the idiot he is. This was sheer brilliance! You, sir, are now my idol. This is a great and terrible thing, so I thought I’d write and let you know your responsibilities. If you do this, I will light a candle in your honor whenever I am in a church that allows this (for at least the next year or until I find a new…
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Sent: October 13, 2009
Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…
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Sent: January 30, 2012
Can I get an autographed photo?Also, I was wondering, do you eat meat? Or are you a vegetarian? What about fish, chicken, or pork? This is kinda important.Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: July 17, 2008
recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…
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Sent: September 30, 2009
On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…
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Sent: September 4, 2009
I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…
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Sent: August 23, 2011
re: 55 Gallon Steel Drum I’m not saying I’m going to do this, but I was wanting to know if I took a 55 gallon steel drum and insured it was well venellated, would I be able to ship myself to Canada? I was thinking of visiting my friend Anthony Imperioli and this seems like a highly economical way to go about it. I’d want to do this legally, of course, so I would declare…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
A friend told me all about Barnesville Potatoe Days, and it sounds quite exciting, but I had no idea Minnesota was famous for potatoes. I always thought that was Idaho, so I looked on a map and Barnesville isn’t anywhere near Idaho! Regardless, if my friend can be believed Potatoe Days sounds amazing. I mean where else can you get Norwegian lefse, German potato pancakes, and…
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Sent: January 22, 2009
I am so confused. I mean, I know people shave their balls, but why? If God meant for us to shave down there he wouldn’t have given us hair down there, right? Real men have hair! Are some men just unnaturally hairy in the nether regions? I’ve long suspected my friend Anthony Imperioli shaves his balls, but that makes a bit of sense, because I know of few men hairier, but…
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Sent: February 28, 2020
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…
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Sent: January 24, 2013
Let’s dispense with the obvious question: Are you sure you are a Democrat? Seriously, the anti-gay rhetoric is usually reserved for the Republican party. They write it into their platform! So, are you a closeted Republican? It’s fine if you are. There’s nothing to be…
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Sent: September 8, 2012
What were you guys thinking? Exploding children tend to alienate people. I’m not speaking from firsthand experience or anything. I’ve never strapped explosives to a tot and watched it go BOOM! I’ve never been coated in little bits of fat, blood, bone and brain. I’ve never…
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Sent: October 13, 2010
I am a bit confused. Don’t worry, this is a normal state for me, but my confusion this time comes from the fact that Bernie Sanders has been saying that he doesn’t accept support from Super PACs, but then some Elizabeth Warren supporter pointed out that there are you guys…
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Sent: February 29, 2020
I was checking out the claims of your product and I’ve got a couple of questions I am hoping you can clear up. First, you claim that your product gives “No high whatsoever.” This statement is written like this is not only a good thing, but some sort of selling point.…
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Sent: March 4, 2020
I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…
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Sent: November 21, 2008
First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile. I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…
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Sent: December 10, 2010
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 21, 2011
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
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Sent: September 29, 2010
