Jackass Letters: When Psychotherapy No Longer Helps!

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Site Reader,

Welcome to the relaunch of Jackass Letters. ​Miss me? I’ve missed you! So this isn’t really a real letter, and is for sure not “Best of” material, but I don’t really have a better way of doing “site news.” Deal with it. Pardon the mess. I am working on migrating content, enabling functionality, and tweaking the new design. Consider this a soft launch. I’m…

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Sent: February 3, 2020

Additional Recent Letters


Best of Letters

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear AARP,

I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Puddles Pity Party,

Enclosed you will find a not so crisp $10.00 for a handmade Puddles Crown. I would like it to be puppet sized, so if you make me one for a small child this should work just fine! If they are one-size-fits-all then I will make do with whatever you send me. I would have just bought this online, but I am afraid the NSA is tracking me, and I would also like an autographed photo!…

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Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear Monterey Mushrooms,

Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…

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Sent: January 30, 2012

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Vent Haven Museum,

Happy Halloween! I have a need for a monkey puppet. Can you help me out? I want to use it to make commentary on social media. I was going to call it “The Social Media Monkey,” but I have to admit that’s not a very catchy name. My friend Anthony Imperioli has a puppet. Her name is Nonna Maria and you have to admit that gives the puppet a bit more realism. Maybe you could…

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Sent: October 28, 2011

Dear Lululemon,

I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…

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Sent: November 18, 2011

Dear National Miniature Donkey Association,

I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…

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Sent: March 29, 2011

Dear Anti-Monkey Butt Powder,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…

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Sent: July 14, 2011

Dear My Shreddies,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…

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Sent: February 6, 2013

Dear Rapala,

Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…

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Sent: July 29, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Wal-Mart,

I often hear in the news allegations about how underpaid your employees are, and I've read articles online accusing your stores of such things as not paying overtime and discriminating against women. Well, what I want to know is does nobody think of the consumer? If your stores…

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Sent: April 22, 2008

Dear Carlos Miller,

I watched a video of you getting roughed up by pretend cops. I am pretty sure this isn’t the first one of these I’ve seen you starring in, but I could be wrong. There’s really not many videos out there with white guys getting a beat down by the police (pretend or…

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Sent: January 23, 2013

Dear Blank Park Zoo,

I heard you had a night where people could come and drink beer and watch the animals getting it on. Is this true? What night is this and how much does it cost? Also, what kind of beer is there? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear Adam Ladd,

I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to…

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Sent: February 14, 2012

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Frank’s RedHot,

I love your commercials where the old woman Ethel says she “puts that shit on everything,” but instead of actually using the word shit you bleep it. I laugh every time! I can totally relate to her (other than I’m not yet old and am all man!) I too put hot sauce on everything. Usually it’s Dave’s or Blair’s, but occasionally it’s some sriracha when I am slumming…

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Sent: September 19, 2012

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

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Sent: January 7, 2013

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Exotic Feline Rescue Center,

Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile.  I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…

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Sent: December 10, 2010

More Worst of Jackass Letters



Points of Interest