Christopher L. Jorgensen is Not Your Own Personal Jesus

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Greggs,

​I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…

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Sent: October 16, 2020

Dear Lysol,

I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers,

I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible. ​I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Puddles Pity Party,

Enclosed you will find a not so crisp $10.00 for a handmade Puddles Crown. I would like it to be puppet sized, so if you make me one for a small child this should work just fine! If they are one-size-fits-all then I will make do with whatever you send me. I would have just bought this online, but I am afraid the NSA is tracking me, and I would also like an autographed photo!…

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Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear Monterey Mushrooms,

Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…

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Sent: January 30, 2012

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

Dear Car Talk Guys,

First off, can I get an autographed photo of one or both of you? I also have a few questions, and you’re my last best hope. I already asked the Ringling Brothers, but I guess those guys are too busy, so I thought I’d ask you instead, since I know you’ll have the time! I am interested in becoming a clown. Even my best friends consider me to be a jackass, I don’t mind…

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Sent: October 25, 2010

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear AARP,

I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…

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Sent: April 18, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear New Church,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…

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Sent: March 28, 2011

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…

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Sent: March 10, 2012

Dear Marshmallow Fluff,

First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…

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Sent: April 27, 2011

Dear Mike the Headless Chicken,

I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Clean Waste,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Rapala,

Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…

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Sent: July 29, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Feals, INC.,

​I was checking out the claims of your product and I’ve got a couple of questions I am hoping you can clear up. First, you claim that your product gives “No high whatsoever.” This statement is written like this is not only a good thing, but some sort of selling point.…

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Sent: March 4, 2020

Dear Aurora,

I was saddened to see your contest for 5 liters of Olive Oil is only open to Canadian residents. I would have loved to win, but as a US citizen I am disqualified? This doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hate us? Is it because of our freedoms? I would have totally poured the whole…

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Sent: May 1, 2012

Dear National Turkey Federation,

I love turkey! Yum yum! I eat it so much I am nearly made of the stuff! I have two problems though: One, turkey sausage is almost always stuffed inside "natural pork casing" or "collagen casing made from beef." Now let me ask you, if I wanted to put beef and pork down my throat…

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Sent: September 21, 2010

Dear Gettin Lippy,

I love the idea of your product though I seldom use lip balm of any kind (I still have the tube of Carmex I bought two or four years ago). If you put the best flavors on the bottom people might discard the first two thirds of a stick just to get to the yummy stuff! No matter how…

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Sent: May 3, 2012

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear David Thorne,

I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…

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Sent: November 21, 2008

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear Georgia-Pacific,

The other day I was getting out a fresh roll of toilet paper and I noticed on the side of the box it says, “Now EPA Complaint.” I’m a huge fan of buying bulk (mostly because I am cheap!), but I’m a bit concerned. If this said “EPA Compliant” I wouldn’t be worried, but the addition of that “Now” makes it seem as though previously my bathroom tissue was not…

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Sent: February 11, 2011

Dear Archer Farms,

I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 11, 2008

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

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