Changing the World One Letter at a Time

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Greggs,

​I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…

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Sent: October 16, 2020

Dear Lysol,

I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers,

I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible.​I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

Dear Robitussin,

Did you know your product makes a superior replacement choice for grenadine in most cocktails? The other night I was making some Tequila Sunrises for some friends, only to realize, after it was too late, that I was out of grenadine. Instead of allowing this to ruin the evening, for my friends and I, a simple bottle of Robitussin Cough syrup saved the day (evening actually)!…

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Sent: December 29, 2008

Dear Alpo,

As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…

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Sent: April 21, 2008

Dear Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…

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Sent: April 24, 2008

Dear Maple Leaf Farms,

I love duck, but I am not sure I should be allowed near one (alive or dead). When I was in high school I decided to cook one for my prom date. I popped that sucker in the oven for a full hour before we ate it. That duck was pretty bloody and barely warm in places. I’m sure I had the temperature incorrect, but we ate it anyway. I survived. I believe my date did as well, but to…

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Sent: December 1, 2012

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

More Best of Jackass Letters


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear OPUS,

My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear Barnesville Potatoe Days,

A friend told me all about Barnesville Potatoe Days, and it sounds quite exciting, but I had no idea Minnesota was famous for potatoes. I always thought that was Idaho, so I looked on a map and Barnesville isn’t anywhere near Idaho! Regardless, if my friend can be believed Potatoe Days sounds amazing. I mean where else can you get Norwegian lefse, German potato pancakes, and…

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Sent: January 22, 2009

Dear Original Pasta Fork,

I’m mesmerized by the videos of this fork in action! Personally, I think the idea is a bit silly, but then so are most good ideas. A fork that spins by itself seems to cater to the lazy or the inept. I mean how hard is it to spin a fork? Thing is though there are tons of people that can’t seem to master this simple skill. Take my friend (please! Ha ha!) Anthony Imperioli.…

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Sent: August 31, 2011

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Fish’n Canada,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear Olive Garden,

I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

More Anthony Imperioli Letters



Dead Letter Office

Dear J.D. Salinger’s PO Box,

did you know this PO Box was once used by J.D. Salinger? I think that kind of kicks ass. If he were still alive I’d probably be writing him a letter. I’d say a bunch of stupid fanboy shit about how I thought “The Catcher in the Rye” is the best book ever! Then I’d say…

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Sent: September 21, 2010

Dear Vermin Supreme,

I really like the cut of your jib and you’re like my third choice for President. I tend to be a bit more Socialist and a lot less Libertarian than you are, but I do like your dedication to freedom and ponies. I also think I have a bit better fashion sense than you, but that’s…

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Sent: February 29, 2020

Dear Jendco Safety Supply,

​I hope this letter gets to you in time to make a difference. Let’s get this out there: People are stupid. I am sure you know that there has been a run on rubber gloves and surgical masks due to the COVID-19 outbreak in the US. I am sure you also already know that the Centers…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear StarKist,

I firmly believe in an informed consumer, so have to applaud your dolphin safe policy. I do also happen to believe in giving the consumer a choice. Dolphins aren't an endangered species are they? So why not come out with a line of tuna that may actually even have a small amount…

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Sent: July 1, 2009

More Unanswered Letters


Archived Letters

Additional Archived Letters


Worst of Letters

Dear Subway,

First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a…

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Sent: May 4, 2010

Dear Exotic Feline Rescue Center,

Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile.  I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…

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Sent: December 10, 2010

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

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Sent: January 7, 2013

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Cheesecake Factory,

I really like your food, but unfortunately I am in the lower middle class, so can't eat there except on special occasions (like once every other year or two). So I was writing to ask if you could come up some some more affordable options. Like maybe half portions on meals, or a "sampler slice" of cheesecake. This would help impoverished people like me and fat people too!If you…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

More Worst of Jackass Letters



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