Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…
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Sent: July 17, 2008
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
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Sent: May 29, 2008
As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…
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Sent: April 21, 2008
I love duck, but I am not sure I should be allowed near one (alive or dead). When I was in high school I decided to cook one for my prom date. I popped that sucker in the oven for a full hour before we ate it. That duck was pretty bloody and barely warm in places. I’m sure I had the temperature incorrect, but we ate it anyway. I survived. I believe my date did as well, but to…
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Sent: December 1, 2012
I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…
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Sent: June 9, 2008
I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…
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Sent: September 26, 2012
I read on the internet that you are raising money to feed birds and I was a bit confused, because I couldn’t figure out what you were feeding them to. Then I realized you were raising money to buy nuts and seeds FOR the birds which would make more sense to me except I read that you have hundreds of birds and that it costs $500 a year to feed and house one of these things!…
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Sent: February 28, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…
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Sent: February 6, 2013
I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…
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Sent: March 29, 2011
I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…
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Sent: January 24, 2013
I always say, “What happens in the broom closet stays in the broom closet,” well, unless you get some on a sweater. (Don’t worry if this makes no sense. Few things in life do!) Anyway, I had occasion to do a search of the internets for “white spot” and I found your restaurants! (This is not at all what I was looking for.) I checked out your menu and decided I wanted…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
I have a rich fantasy life and I love imagining I am the kind of guy that would get out in a Daymak Dune Buggy 3000. They look like incredible fun. I can imagine myself flying along at 40 km/h with the wind in my hair, my partner in adventure at my side, sharing knowing…
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Sent: January 21, 2020
This is a fan letter. I am writing it because I am a fan. I think you guys are great and wonderful and talented and funny and stylish and too cool for words, so really I shouldn’t be writing this! But did I mention I am a fan‽ I have to say “The Spine” is my favorite…
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Sent: September 12, 2012
I have one of your cordless drills and have to say I am happy enough with it that if I ever feel the need for more power tools they will be the DeWALT brand for sure! I use this thing all the time. I used to borrow a friend's, but, what with the pandemic and all, I decided being…
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Sent: January 12, 2021
I was saddened to see your contest for 5 liters of Olive Oil is only open to Canadian residents. I would have loved to win, but as a US citizen I am disqualified? This doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hate us? Is it because of our freedoms? I would have totally poured the whole…
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Sent: May 1, 2012
First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 21, 2011
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…
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Sent: August 27, 2010
I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…
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Sent: November 21, 2008
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
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Sent: September 29, 2010