Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Read: Chuck Testa Reply
Sent: January 17, 2012
recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 30, 2009
I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 24, 2008
I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: October 4, 2010
I love duck, but I am not sure I should be allowed near one (alive or dead). When I was in high school I decided to cook one for my prom date. I popped that sucker in the oven for a full hour before we ate it. That duck was pretty bloody and barely warm in places. I’m sure I had the temperature incorrect, but we ate it anyway. I survived. I believe my date did as well, but to…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: December 1, 2012
This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys!Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey.…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 22, 2010
Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 30, 2012
I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 6, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: September 27, 2011
My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 26, 2012
My friend Anthony Imperioli absolutely refuses to eat in your restaurants. He says they aren’t “authentic” (whatever that means!). I say it’s his loss. He’s the one missing out on free breadsticks! I think it’s because Anthony is Italian that he’s such a food snob, but it could be because he’s Canadian? Are your restaurants in Canada different than the US ones?…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 6, 2011
Every time my friend Anthony Imperioli walks down the pet treat aisle and he sees your products he shouts out “Dingos ate my baby!” in his best Australian accent. This is embarrassing for obvious reasons, not the least of which, being Canadian his Australian accent really sucks. Then he always proceeds to ask me if I knew that there was a fictional band named “Dingos Ate…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 15, 2011
I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to know her opinion of my branding attempts; what does she think of each, which does she like better,…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: February 14, 2012
I know a lot of people claim they come to your restaurants because of the good chicken wings, but I never hear people say things like this about Pizza Hut. Do you think that's because Pizza Hut's chicken wings suck? I'm guessing so! Personally, I go to Hooters for the great lap…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: February 12, 2009
I understand alcohol and tobacco going together, and I understand firearms and explosives going together, but I don’t get how all four of these things go together. Why are these things regulated under one agency? And shouldn’t your name be the ATFE if you also deal with…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: May 1, 2008
I hope this letter gets to you in time to make a difference. Let’s get this out there: People are stupid. I am sure you know that there has been a run on rubber gloves and surgical masks due to the COVID-19 outbreak in the US. I am sure you also already know that the Centers…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: March 11, 2020
I bet you get letters all the time from people telling you what they would do for a Klondike bar. They probably even confess to all kinds of crimes! This is probably kind of weird. It's not like you have some kind of priest/penitent relationship. You're under no obligation to…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: September 20, 2010
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 10, 2008
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: November 24, 2012
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 29, 2010
I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: November 21, 2008
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 21, 2011
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 21, 2011
