Professional Idiot: Do Not Try This At Home

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Dear Greggs,

​I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…

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Sent: October 16, 2020

Dear Lysol,

I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers,

I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible.​I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Christian Dior,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…

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Sent: May 29, 2008

Dear Butterball Turkey,

This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys! Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey.…

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Sent: September 22, 2010

Dear Bowl Fresh,

On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…

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Sent: September 4, 2009

Dear Sharpie,

You really should come out with scented Sharpies. When you use them as often as I do they can give you quite a headache. I think scented Sharpies would sell way better and be very popular in the high schools! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: July 1, 2009

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Martha Stewart,

recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…

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Sent: September 30, 2009

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Cockapoo Club of America,

My friend Anthony Imperioli wants both a cocker spaniel and a poodle. Unfortunately he can’t have both with his prior track record of not being able to care for more than one pet at a time (don’t even ask about the miniature donkeys!), so I suggested he get a cockapoo! At first he wouldn’t believe there was any such thing, but when I showed him pictures he instantly fell…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Charles MacNider Museum,

Thanks for allowing me to visit your museum. It was a special treat to see the Bil Baird puppets! I sat through as much of the DVD as I could, but didn’t get it all watched (I’m a pacer and that room wasn’t conducive to pacing). I thought it was quite wonderful and would like to buy a copy. I bought the poster, and would have bought the DVD if it was available. I’m…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Clean Waste,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Anti-Monkey Butt Powder,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…

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Sent: July 14, 2011

Dear Old Dutch Potato Chips,

Anyone who says other potato chips are better than yours is plainly lying! The other day I found one in my belly button. True story! (It was leftover from eating chips the day before.) My Canadian friend wanted to know if I ate it. Of course I did! Who wouldn’t? It had ripples. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Zombie Research Society,

Do I have to be a zombie to like brains? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: May 1, 2012

Dear Blank Park Zoo,

I heard you had a night where people could come and drink beer and watch the animals getting it on. Is this true? What night is this and how much does it cost? Also, what kind of beer is there? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear FrankFormer,

I absolutely love your FrankFormer! I’ve never outgrown my need to play with my food. I would never actually eat a hotdog (I saw on TV hotdogs are made from “pink slime” and who would ever eat that?), but I think making them into little people is great fun. I think you…

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Sent: May 3, 2012

Dear Congressman Devin Nunes,

Can I get an autographed photo? This would make my day. I live a fairly disappointing life, so if there’s anything you can do to make it even slightly better, I would appreciate this. I find myself in desperate need of some money and I recently read that you are suing people…

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Sent: March 7, 2020

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Worst of Letters

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear Hobby Lobby,

You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2008

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear David Thorne,

I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…

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Sent: November 21, 2008

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

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Sent: January 7, 2013

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