Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…
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Sent: January 30, 2012
I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…
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Sent: October 4, 2010
As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…
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Sent: April 21, 2008
On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…
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Sent: September 4, 2009
I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…
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Sent: September 26, 2012
A while back I went to your Art Center to see “Habitat Group for a Shooting Gallery” by Joseph Cornell, but was told it was “on loan.” This seems like a great program to me. I didn’t realize you did this. I am a huge Francis Bacon fan and would like to borrow, “Study After Velasquez’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X.” I have a place above my bed picked out for it,…
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Sent: April 22, 2008
My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…
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Sent: September 27, 2011
Happy Halloween! I have a need for a monkey puppet. Can you help me out? I want to use it to make commentary on social media. I was going to call it “The Social Media Monkey,” but I have to admit that’s not a very catchy name. My friend Anthony Imperioli has a puppet. Her name is Nonna Maria and you have to admit that gives the puppet a bit more realism. Maybe you could…
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Sent: October 28, 2011
I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…
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Sent: March 28, 2011
The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…
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Sent: August 15, 2011
Let’s dispense with the obvious question: Are you sure you are a Democrat? Seriously, the anti-gay rhetoric is usually reserved for the Republican party. They write it into their platform! So, are you a closeted Republican? It’s fine if you are. There’s nothing to be…
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Sent: September 8, 2012
I know a lot of people claim they come to your restaurants because of the good chicken wings, but I never hear people say things like this about Pizza Hut. Do you think that's because Pizza Hut's chicken wings suck? I'm guessing so! Personally, I go to Hooters for the great lap…
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Sent: February 12, 2009
Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said:“This ‘Elf on the Shelf’ crap is going too far. Have you read this shit? It is like the Department of Homeland Security created a toy and a…
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Sent: December 5, 2012
A ball that heats up and vibrates! What will they think of next? Something like this seems like a pretty cool idea, but I’m fairly lazy so would probably just let it sit in my lap. I mean, if I were a bit more ambitious, I could see rolling it all over my body. I have quite…
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Sent: March 5, 2020
I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…
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Sent: November 21, 2008
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2008
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
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Sent: September 29, 2010
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
