I have become comfortably numb.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Site Reader,

Welcome to the relaunch of Jackass Letters. ​Miss me? I’ve missed you! So this isn’t really a real letter, and is for sure not “Best of” material, but I don’t really have a better way of doing “site news.” Deal with it. Pardon the mess. I am working on migrating content, enabling functionality, and tweaking the new design. Consider this a soft launch. I’m…

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Sent: February 3, 2020

Additional Recent Letters


Best of Letters

Dear Christian Dior,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…

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Sent: May 29, 2008

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear AARP,

I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Car Talk Guys,

First off, can I get an autographed photo of one or both of you? I also have a few questions, and you’re my last best hope. I already asked the Ringling Brothers, but I guess those guys are too busy, so I thought I’d ask you instead, since I know you’ll have the time! I am interested in becoming a clown. Even my best friends consider me to be a jackass, I don’t mind…

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Sent: October 25, 2010

Dear Peanut Butter & Co.,

I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…

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Sent: September 26, 2012

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Anti-Monkey Butt Powder,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…

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Sent: July 14, 2011

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

Dear Coors,

The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Adam Ladd,

I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to know her opinion of my branding attempts; what does she think of each, which does she like better,…

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Sent: February 14, 2012

Dear Dog Appeasing Pheromone,

I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…

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Sent: August 23, 2011

Dear Fish’n Canada,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear BioDigital,

When I was a kid my mother had a set of medical books that had simple line drawings of various parts of anatomy and illness both common and exotic, along with some black and white photos of people with terrible deformities and birth defects. I used to spend a lot of time as a…

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Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear CVS Pharmacy,

Tonight I saw one of your commercials on TV and there were people frolicking in the water and others having fun in a social environment. I have to admit I didn’t pay much attention because we don’t have a CVS in Ames (that I am aware of), but it seemed like a decent…

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Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear Carlos Miller,

I watched a video of you getting roughed up by pretend cops. I am pretty sure this isn’t the first one of these I’ve seen you starring in, but I could be wrong. There’s really not many videos out there with white guys getting a beat down by the police (pretend or…

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Sent: January 23, 2013

Dear Warren Buffett,

I heard someone say on the radio that you have more money than God. Do you think this is true? Do you get a lot of letters asking you for money? I bet God doesn’t get any. What do you say to these people? Just in case you were thinking this is one of those money asking letters,…

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Sent: April 14, 2008

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Harvestland,

You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Subway,

First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a…

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Sent: May 4, 2010

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Exotic Feline Rescue Center,

Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile.  I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…

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Sent: December 10, 2010

Dear Luxor,

I am including a $5 chip that I inadvertently forgot to cash in while I was in Las Vegas. I don’t think there will be any tax implications for either of us if you just send me a check to the above address, but if there is, can you please include whatever form I need to fill out? I realize $5 isn’t a lot of money to most people, but it is to me, so I hope whoever opens this…

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Sent: December 5, 2009

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