I have become comfortably numb.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Featured Letter

Recent Letters

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Maple Leaf Farms,

I love duck, but I am not sure I should be allowed near one (alive or dead). When I was in high school I decided to cook one for my prom date. I popped that sucker in the oven for a full hour before we ate it. That duck was pretty bloody and barely warm in places. I’m sure I had the temperature incorrect, but we ate it anyway. I survived. I believe my date did as well, but to…

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Sent: December 1, 2012

Dear Des Moines Art Center,

A while back I went to your Art Center to see “Habitat Group for a Shooting Gallery” by Joseph Cornell, but was told it was “on loan.” This seems like a great program to me. I didn’t realize you did this. I am a huge Francis Bacon fan and would like to borrow, “Study After Velasquez’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X.” I have a place above my bed picked out for it,…

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Sent: April 22, 2008

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…

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Sent: January 8, 2009

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Bon Ami,

I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…

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Sent: July 20, 2011

More Best of Jackass Letters


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Envirokidz,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear My Shreddies,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…

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Sent: February 6, 2013

Dear Century Publishing,

I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear Marshmallow Fluff,

First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…

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Sent: April 27, 2011

Dear OPUS,

My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

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Sent: July 6, 2011

More Anthony Imperioli Letters



Dead Letter Office

Dear Wal-Mart,

I often hear in the news allegations about how underpaid your employees are, and I've read articles online accusing your stores of such things as not paying overtime and discriminating against women. Well, what I want to know is does nobody think of the consumer? If your stores…

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Sent: April 22, 2008

Dear ATF,

I understand alcohol and tobacco going together, and I understand firearms and explosives going together, but I don’t get how all four of these things go together. Why are these things regulated under one agency? And shouldn’t your name be the ATFE if you also deal with…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear BioDigital,

When I was a kid my mother had a set of medical books that had simple line drawings of various parts of anatomy and illness both common and exotic, along with some black and white photos of people with terrible deformities and birth defects. I used to spend a lot of time as a…

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Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear J.D. Salinger’s PO Box,

did you know this PO Box was once used by J.D. Salinger? I think that kind of kicks ass. If he were still alive I’d probably be writing him a letter. I’d say a bunch of stupid fanboy shit about how I thought “The Catcher in the Rye” is the best book ever! Then I’d say…

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Sent: September 21, 2010

More Unanswered Letters


Archived Letters

Additional Archived Letters


Worst of Letters

Dear Cadbury,

Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…

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Sent: September 29, 2010

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Georgia-Pacific,

The other day I was getting out a fresh roll of toilet paper and I noticed on the side of the box it says, “Now EPA Complaint.” I’m a huge fan of buying bulk (mostly because I am cheap!), but I’m a bit concerned. If this said “EPA Compliant” I wouldn’t be worried, but the addition of that “Now” makes it seem as though previously my bathroom tissue was not…

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Sent: February 11, 2011

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear Archer Farms,

I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 11, 2008

Dear David Thorne,

I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…

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Sent: November 21, 2008

More Worst of Jackass Letters



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