Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
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Sent: May 29, 2008
I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…
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Sent: January 8, 2009
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
I realize Mitt Romney is out of the running for President, and I think that’s too bad, since I may have voted for him. It would have been nice to have a Republican in there that wasn’t pushing the standard Christian agenda and doctrine! But I have a question: If Mitt had gotten the nomination, and if he’d been elected President, in the event he took a second wife, what…
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Sent: April 24, 2008
What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…
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Sent: April 19, 2008
A while back I went to your Art Center to see “Habitat Group for a Shooting Gallery” by Joseph Cornell, but was told it was “on loan.” This seems like a great program to me. I didn’t realize you did this. I am a huge Francis Bacon fan and would like to borrow, “Study After Velasquez’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X.” I have a place above my bed picked out for it,…
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Sent: April 22, 2008
My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…
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Sent: September 27, 2011
I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
Anyone who says other potato chips are better than yours is plainly lying! The other day I found one in my belly button. True story! (It was leftover from eating chips the day before.)My Canadian friend wanted to know if I ate it. Of course I did! Who wouldn’t? It had ripples.Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2011
Do you sell adult men’s leotards? I’m asking you for a friend. I know you probably get that a lot, but in this case it’s true! His name is Anthony Imperioli and he’s looking for something that has a bit of a shimmer or dazzle to it without being all sequined. I’m guessing you don’t but I told him I’d ask. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: September 10, 2010
I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…
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Sent: November 18, 2011
I bet you get letters all the time from people telling you what they would do for a Klondike bar. They probably even confess to all kinds of crimes! This is probably kind of weird. It's not like you have some kind of priest/penitent relationship. You're under no obligation to…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
I was saddened to see your contest for 5 liters of Olive Oil is only open to Canadian residents. I would have loved to win, but as a US citizen I am disqualified? This doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hate us? Is it because of our freedoms? I would have totally poured the whole…
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Sent: May 1, 2012
So what’s the deal?I keep watching your website to see when you will restock or refresh your hardware, and, admittedly, I don’t check in every day, but I am starting to believe you guys are either about to launch something new and big and exciting, or you are just getting…
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Sent: October 16, 2020
Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said:“This ‘Elf on the Shelf’ crap is going too far. Have you read this shit? It is like the Department of Homeland Security created a toy and a…
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Sent: December 5, 2012
First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2008
I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…
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Sent: November 21, 2008
Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…
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Sent: January 7, 2013
I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…
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Sent: November 11, 2011
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
