I have become comfortably numb.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Featured Letter

Best of Letters

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…

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Sent: January 8, 2009

Dear Peanut Butter & Co.,

I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…

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Sent: September 26, 2012

Dear Big Bird,

Can I get an autographed photo?Also, I was wondering, do you eat meat? Or are you a vegetarian? What about fish, chicken, or pork? This is kinda important.Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear Bon Ami,

I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…

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Sent: July 20, 2011

Dear Monterey Mushrooms,

Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…

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Sent: January 30, 2012

Dear SPAM,

What does the acronym SPAM stand for? I looked all over your website, but couldn’t find what it means. I mostly want to know because a friend of mine told me SPAM contains dog meat. This is just plain gross, but since I couldn’t find a definition of the SPAM acronym I am having difficulty refuting her. She says this is why SPAM is popular with Koreans. I think she’s…

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Sent: April 19, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Nissan,

You guys gave my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli a Nissan Cube and I think that’s pretty cool. I was wondering what I would have to do to get one? Sure, I know I could buy or lease a Cube, but that wouldn’t be as cool as winning one. So I am hoping you’ll come out with some kind of contest I could enter (or are these kinds of contests only for Canadians?). I voted for…

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Sent: March 28, 2011

Dear CString,

First off, I think I am missing the men’s section on your website. I doubt I could still get one by Christmas, but honestly, I live in Iowa, so having one during the winter is pretty stupid, but as long as I get mine before summer I’ll be happy. What do you need to know so I can insure a proper fit? Length and girth I am assuming, but maybe a measurement from some point on…

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Sent: December 7, 2009

Dear Coors,

The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Gym Brat Leotards,

Do you sell adult men’s leotards? I’m asking you for a friend. I know you probably get that a lot, but in this case it’s true! His name is Anthony Imperioli and he’s looking for something that has a bit of a shimmer or dazzle to it without being all sequined. I’m guessing you don’t but I told him I’d ask. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 10, 2010

Dear Chuck Testa,

I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

More Anthony Imperioli Letters



Dead Letter Office

Dear Five Guys,

Thanks for opening up a restaurant in Ames, IA. I’ve been quite excited to eat at a Five Guys ever since I saw President Obama ordering some on TV. Your fries and milkshakes look amazing, but sadly, I am one of those people who doesn’t eat beef. I am not militant about it or…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Truehope Brain Supplement,

​I don’t know if you pay much attention to politics south of your border, but we currently have a President in sore need of your product. Just looking over your website I’ve come to the conclusion that your EMPowerplus Advanced micronutrient supplement is exactly the needed…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Bill Nye,

I doubt even Jesus believed in Creationism. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. can I get an autographed photo.

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Sent: October 2, 2012

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 23, 2017

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear TK Maxx,

the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Hobby Lobby,

You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2008

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

More Worst of Jackass Letters



Points of Interest