Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of eyes will come in handy. I love your website and your products and if I am ever in Ohio I will for sure stop by your store. You probably won’t get me to leave if I do! You can always get a court order if you have to. Ha ha!
I bet Off the Wagon is a fun place to work and if I’d made better choices in life perhaps I would have the right experience to apply. Oh, who am I kidding? We both know I’d never pass the background check. Besides, who wants to live in Ohio?
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you brightened my existence slightly and that’s all we can really ask of each other, right? More people should be told about your store. I don’t know how it took me so long to find you. I feel like somehow the universe has been keeping us apart. But that’s that and we’ve found each other, and that’s all that really matters. You are my people.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I like puppets.
Read: Off the Wagon Reply
Sent: March 5, 2020
I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 25, 2020
Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 21, 2020
Welcome to the relaunch of Jackass Letters. Miss me? I’ve missed you! So this isn’t really a real letter, and is for sure not “Best of” material, but I don’t really have a better way of doing “site news.” Deal with it. Pardon the mess. I am working on migrating content, enabling functionality, and tweaking the new design. Consider this a soft launch. I’m…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: February 3, 2020
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: May 29, 2008
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 20, 2010
A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: July 17, 2008
I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 18, 2008
First off, can I get an autographed photo of one or both of you? I also have a few questions, and you’re my last best hope. I already asked the Ringling Brothers, but I guess those guys are too busy, so I thought I’d ask you instead, since I know you’ll have the time! I am interested in becoming a clown. Even my best friends consider me to be a jackass, I don’t mind…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: October 25, 2010
I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 26, 2012
I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: July 14, 2011
I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: May 11, 2011
The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: August 15, 2011
I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to know her opinion of my branding attempts; what does she think of each, which does she like better,…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: February 14, 2012
I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 23, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 5, 2011
When I was a kid my mother had a set of medical books that had simple line drawings of various parts of anatomy and illness both common and exotic, along with some black and white photos of people with terrible deformities and birth defects. I used to spend a lot of time as a…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2015
Tonight I saw one of your commercials on TV and there were people frolicking in the water and others having fun in a social environment. I have to admit I didn’t pay much attention because we don’t have a CVS in Ames (that I am aware of), but it seemed like a decent…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2015
I watched a video of you getting roughed up by pretend cops. I am pretty sure this isn’t the first one of these I’ve seen you starring in, but I could be wrong. There’s really not many videos out there with white guys getting a beat down by the police (pretend or…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 23, 2013
I heard someone say on the radio that you have more money than God. Do you think this is true? Do you get a lot of letters asking you for money? I bet God doesn’t get any. What do you say to these people? Just in case you were thinking this is one of those money asking letters,…
Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2008
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: November 24, 2012
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 21, 2011
First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: May 4, 2010
First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 20, 2010
Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile. I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: December 10, 2010
I am including a $5 chip that I inadvertently forgot to cash in while I was in Las Vegas. I don’t think there will be any tax implications for either of us if you just send me a check to the above address, but if there is, can you please include whatever form I need to fill out? I realize $5 isn’t a lot of money to most people, but it is to me, so I hope whoever opens this…
Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: December 5, 2009
I'm hung like a carrot. And not one of them baby carrots either! Just sharing.
— jackassletters.com (@jackassletters) February 19, 2009
