Christopher L. Jorgensen is Not Your Own Personal Jesus

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Featured Letter

Best of Letters

Dear Martha Stewart,

recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…

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Sent: September 30, 2009

Dear Bowl Fresh,

On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…

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Sent: September 4, 2009

Dear Deadwood,

I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…

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Sent: October 4, 2010

Dear Marc J. Randazza,

I loved how you took Glenn Beck to task and exposed him for the idiot he is. This was sheer brilliance! You, sir, are now my idol. This is a great and terrible thing, so I thought I’d write and let you know your responsibilities. If you do this, I will light a candle in your honor whenever I am in a church that allows this (for at least the next year or until I find a new…

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Sent: October 13, 2009

Dear Duke Traps,

I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Old Dutch Potato Chips,

Anyone who says other potato chips are better than yours is plainly lying! The other day I found one in my belly button. True story! (It was leftover from eating chips the day before.)My Canadian friend wanted to know if I ate it. Of course I did! Who wouldn’t? It had ripples.Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2011

Dear Olive Garden,

I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Quavers,

I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…

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Sent: October 29, 2011

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Cockapoo Club of America,

My friend Anthony Imperioli wants both a cocker spaniel and a poodle. Unfortunately he can’t have both with his prior track record of not being able to care for more than one pet at a time (don’t even ask about the miniature donkeys!), so I suggested he get a cockapoo! At first he wouldn’t believe there was any such thing, but when I showed him pictures he instantly fell…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Raising Cane’s,

I like to try new places. I’m what you would call “food adventurous.” I’ll put pretty much anything in my mouth if I’ve never tried it before. You can imagine the kind of trouble this has gotten me into! So there should be no surprise that I just had to try the food at…

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Sent: January 24, 2020

Dear Mehmet C. Oz,

Can I get an autographed photo? It's so totally cool that Time named you one of the world's 100 most influential people! But some of the people on that list are total tools. I mean come on, Miley Cyrus, George Clooney, and Mariah Carey? What were they thinking? They should have…

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Sent: February 11, 2009

Dear Matthew J. Hudson, Esq,

Recently, it has come to my attention that you have been challenged to a duel by one David Ostrom, aged 40, of Paola, Kansas. Although, I am nearly a decade his senior, I have decided that if you are unwilling, or unable, to stand for Iowa’s honor, as well as the honor of one…

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Sent: January 14, 2020

Dear Q-tips,

I have a great idea for a new product and a couple questions. I really hope you let me know what you think!If there is such a thing as a Q-tips addiction then I have it. I never seem to have clean enough ears. I hate waxy buildup! I go through tons of these in a given week, and…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Cadbury,

Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…

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Sent: September 29, 2010

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear David Thorne,

I would like to sponsor your poor black boy by sending you “paper money of any denomination in an envelope,” but unfortunately, I am not wealthy enough to do so. In fact, it cost me about a buck to send you this letter, so I am requesting you compensate me fully for this! Please send me $1 USD. If you do so I promise I won’t sleep on your couch if I ever visit Australia.…

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Sent: November 21, 2008

Dear Uncle Interloper,

Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…

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Sent: January 7, 2013

Dear Archer Farms,

I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 11, 2008

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

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