Served hot with a fresh cup of steaming covfefe!

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Recent Letters

Dear Greggs,

​I hope the coronavirus hasn’t hit you guys as hard as it hit the US. I don’t know who your President is, but I bet he’s smarter than mine. I haven’t left the house in like seven months and things aren’t looking up for me to be leaving any time soon. Stupid pandemic! But what is hardest for me is the food. I am doing all the cooking at home, and I miss good food so…

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Sent: October 16, 2020

Dear Lysol,

I’m quite fond of your product. Here’s the deal, when I smell the fresh clean scent of Lysol, I know that shit is clean! It’s only when I walk in someplace and they are mopping with some mildly sudsy water and my sinuses don’t open up and my eyes don’t water that I question whether they are actually managing to get everything disinfected and sanitized. I mean, if you…

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Sent: March 11, 2020

Dear Freddy’s Frozen Custard & Steakburgers,

I love your food and wish I could eat it all the time without getting bigger, but sadly, that is not possible. ​I am not a skinny man. I am not confessing to anything, or making excuses. This is just a fact. It is what it is. Mostly, this is my own fault, but I do think you guys share some of the blame. I mean, a Grilled Chicken Breast Sandwich Combo Meal, a side of cheddar…

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Sent: January 21, 2020

Dear Off the Wagon,

​Recently, I ordered a couple sets of eyeballs, a wind up Llama, and a Valentine’s Day card with a sloth on it or something. I remember telling my partner, “Happy Slothentine’s Day!” when I gave it to her. I have to say I am quite happy with everything! They were a big hit. I haven’t really used the eyeballs for anything yet, but you never know when an extra set of…

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Sent: March 5, 2020

Dear Pepperjax Grill,

​I’m just going to come right out and say it: I love eating at Pepperjax Grill! But I also have to come out and say that I don’t eat there as often as I would like due to the limited menu. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everything on your menu, but there are only so many ways you can combine chicken with rice and cheese. Want that in a bowl? Sure. How about in a…

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Sent: January 25, 2020

Dear U.S. Office of Government Ethics,

​Most nights when I get home I like to watch the news. I believe every citizen should do this to create a more informed and educated electorate. Now, I don’t want to get all political or anything, but seems to me there are a lot of incredible lapses in judgement and ethics being reported, so it got me to thinking that perhaps you guys had seen the writing on the wall and…

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Sent: January 21, 2020


Best of Letters

Dear Christian Dior,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…

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Sent: May 29, 2008

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Alpo,

As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…

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Sent: April 21, 2008

Dear Deadwood,

I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…

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Sent: October 4, 2010

Dear Marc J. Randazza,

I loved how you took Glenn Beck to task and exposed him for the idiot he is. This was sheer brilliance! You, sir, are now my idol. This is a great and terrible thing, so I thought I’d write and let you know your responsibilities. If you do this, I will light a candle in your honor whenever I am in a church that allows this (for at least the next year or until I find a new…

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Sent: October 13, 2009

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…

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Sent: January 8, 2009

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

Dear Gym Brat Leotards,

Do you sell adult men’s leotards? I’m asking you for a friend. I know you probably get that a lot, but in this case it’s true! His name is Anthony Imperioli and he’s looking for something that has a bit of a shimmer or dazzle to it without being all sequined. I’m guessing you don’t but I told him I’d ask. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 10, 2010

Dear Cockapoo Club of America,

My friend Anthony Imperioli wants both a cocker spaniel and a poodle. Unfortunately he can’t have both with his prior track record of not being able to care for more than one pet at a time (don’t even ask about the miniature donkeys!), so I suggested he get a cockapoo! At first he wouldn’t believe there was any such thing, but when I showed him pictures he instantly fell…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Dog Appeasing Pheromone,

I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…

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Sent: August 23, 2011

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

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Sent: July 6, 2011

Dear Coors,

The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Congressman Devin Nunes,

Can I get an autographed photo? This would make my day. I live a fairly disappointing life, so if there’s anything you can do to make it even slightly better, I would appreciate this. I find myself in desperate need of some money and I recently read that you are suing people…

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Sent: March 7, 2020

Dear Arctic Zero,

​My partner keeps entering into social media contests on various sites like Instagram, Twitter, and MySpace. At least I think these are the sites. She’s always tagging me in on these contests as the person she’d share her Arctic Zero with if she won, and while I appreciate…

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Sent: January 23, 2020

Dear Elf on the Shelf,

Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said: I guess as a First Amendment Attorney Mr. Randazza understands he can say any old crap he wants, but who would have his children play with “razor…

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Sent: December 5, 2012

Dear Raising Cane’s,

I like to try new places. I’m what you would call “food adventurous.” I’ll put pretty much anything in my mouth if I’ve never tried it before. You can imagine the kind of trouble this has gotten me into! So there should be no surprise that I just had to try the food at…

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Sent: January 24, 2020

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Archived Letters

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Worst of Letters

Dear Harvestland,

You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

Dear Cheesecake Factory,

I really like your food, but unfortunately I am in the lower middle class, so can't eat there except on special occasions (like once every other year or two). So I was writing to ask if you could come up some some more affordable options. Like maybe half portions on meals, or a "sampler slice" of cheesecake. This would help impoverished people like me and fat people too!If you…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Subway,

First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a…

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Sent: May 4, 2010

Dear Celestial Seasonings,

I just finished a box of your Raspberry Zinger tea (obviously not in one sitting!) and found it quite enjoyable. I just thought you should know this. I’ve also drank your Tangerine Orange Zinger tea. It’s quite good as well, but I like the raspberry better. You should make a Pomegranate zinger tea. I’d probably like that the best. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Archer Farms,

I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 11, 2008

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