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Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Dead Letter Office

Dear Bill Nye,

I doubt even Jesus believed in Creationism. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. can I get an autographed photo.

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Sent: October 2, 2012

Dear BASF,

I am enclosing a recipe for Norwegian Apple Pie. I know BASF doesn’t make Norwegian Apple Pie, but I was hoping you could make it better. Title: Norwegian Apple Pie Categories: Pies, Low-cal, Fruits Yield: 2 Servings Egg Sugar 1 tsp Vanilla extract 1 tsp Baking powder 1/2 C Flour Chopped walnuts (optional) Diced apples Beat egg, sugar, vanilla extract and baking powder…

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Sent: May 3, 2011

Dear Congressman Steve King,

I think you are a hate mongering, homophobic, racist bigot and a shame to the state of Iowa. How do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Any way I can get an autographed photo?

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Mehmet C. Oz,

Can I get an autographed photo? It's so totally cool that Time named you one of the world's 100 most influential people! But some of the people on that list are total tools. I mean come on, Miley Cyrus, George Clooney, and Mariah Carey? What were they thinking? They should have gotten someone smarter to make that list (someone like you)! Robert Downey Jr.'s pretty cool though.…

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Sent: February 11, 2009

Dear Dennis Miller,

Do you look back on the days when your were still funny with nostalgia? I heard you quit drinking. This seems to have been a bad career choice for you! I remember seeing you trying to perform in Ames, Iowa some many years back and you were drunker than I’ve ever been (and that’s saying something!). You were an embarrassment, but almost kinda still somewhat funny. Anyway, I…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him on his bullshit, and said, “Pics or it didn’t happen!” and he came through with photos (one of…

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Sent: January 23, 2017

Dear President Bush,

My girlfriend likes you a lot more than I do. You could make me like you more if you would send me an autographed photo made out to her. Write something like: To [REDACTED], something Presidential and inspiring. (signed President of the United States - George W. Bush) This would be great. Fred Thompson did this for me and she was excited for days. Thanks, Christopher L.…

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Sent: April 11, 2008

Dear Wal-Mart,

I often hear in the news allegations about how underpaid your employees are, and I've read articles online accusing your stores of such things as not paying overtime and discriminating against women. Well, what I want to know is does nobody think of the consumer? If your stores were forced to pay workers a living wage the costs of goods would go up. Same goes for overtime. I…

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Sent: April 22, 2008

Dear Adam Ladd,

I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to know her opinion of my branding attempts; what does she think of each, which does she like better,…

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Sent: February 14, 2012

Dear Aurora,

I was saddened to see your contest for 5 liters of Olive Oil is only open to Canadian residents. I would have loved to win, but as a US citizen I am disqualified? This doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hate us? Is it because of our freedoms? I would have totally poured the whole thing on my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli. It would be amazing to see him covered in “Cuor…

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Sent: May 1, 2012

Dear Warren Buffett,

I heard someone say on the radio that you have more money than God. Do you think this is true? Do you get a lot of letters asking you for money? I bet God doesn’t get any. What do you say to these people? Just in case you were thinking this is one of those money asking letters, I want to let you know I don’t want any of your money. To prove it I am sending you some of mine.…

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Sent: April 14, 2008

Dear 50 State Security,

I would like a job application. I believe I am probably qualified for the job, and I am tired of Iowa winters! Please send to the above address. Most days I am quite content with my lot in life. I’ve most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs met (though I am still working on that whole “respect of others” thing). I am only a few steps from becoming self-actualized. In short,…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.

Points of Interest