Professional Idiot: Do Not Try This At Home

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Dead Letter Office

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him on his bullshit, and said, “Pics or it didn’t happen!” and he came through with photos (one of…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 23, 2017

Dear President Bush,

My girlfriend likes you a lot more than I do. You could make me like you more if you would send me an autographed photo made out to her. Write something like: To [REDACTED], something Presidential and inspiring. (signed President of the United States - George W. Bush) This would be great. Fred Thompson did this for me and she was excited for days. Thanks, Christopher L.…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 11, 2008

Dear Wal-Mart,

I often hear in the news allegations about how underpaid your employees are, and I've read articles online accusing your stores of such things as not paying overtime and discriminating against women. Well, what I want to know is does nobody think of the consumer? If your stores were forced to pay workers a living wage the costs of goods would go up. Same goes for overtime. I…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 22, 2008

Dear Adam Ladd,

I saw this video on the internet where your daughter says what she thinks about various logos. That’s a cool idea! I am enclosing two logos and would like her impressions of both. Call this market research (if you like) or a one girl focus group (if you rather), but I have to know her opinion of my branding attempts; what does she think of each, which does she like better,…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: February 14, 2012

Dear Aurora,

I was saddened to see your contest for 5 liters of Olive Oil is only open to Canadian residents. I would have loved to win, but as a US citizen I am disqualified? This doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hate us? Is it because of our freedoms? I would have totally poured the whole thing on my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli. It would be amazing to see him covered in “Cuor…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: May 1, 2012

Dear Warren Buffett,

I heard someone say on the radio that you have more money than God. Do you think this is true? Do you get a lot of letters asking you for money? I bet God doesn’t get any. What do you say to these people? Just in case you were thinking this is one of those money asking letters, I want to let you know I don’t want any of your money. To prove it I am sending you some of mine.…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2008

Dear 50 State Security,

I would like a job application. I believe I am probably qualified for the job, and I am tired of Iowa winters! Please send to the above address. Most days I am quite content with my lot in life. I’ve most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs met (though I am still working on that whole “respect of others” thing). I am only a few steps from becoming self-actualized. In short,…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear Carlos Miller,

I watched a video of you getting roughed up by pretend cops. I am pretty sure this isn’t the first one of these I’ve seen you starring in, but I could be wrong. There’s really not many videos out there with white guys getting a beat down by the police (pretend or otherwise), so the few there are tend to merge together in my mind until all I see is the jackboot of…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 23, 2013

Dear Elf on the Shelf,

Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said: I guess as a First Amendment Attorney Mr. Randazza understands he can say any old crap he wants, but who would have his children play with “razor blades and porn” rather than have an “Elf on the Shelf?” I say, a child hating, porn loving…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: December 5, 2012

Dear BioDigital,

When I was a kid my mother had a set of medical books that had simple line drawings of various parts of anatomy and illness both common and exotic, along with some black and white photos of people with terrible deformities and birth defects. I used to spend a lot of time as a child reading this book. It had a picture of a man with elephantiasis and it showed his testicles (not…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2015

Dear 1010 Global,

What were you guys thinking? Exploding children tend to alienate people. I’m not speaking from firsthand experience or anything. I’ve never strapped explosives to a tot and watched it go BOOM! I’ve never been coated in little bits of fat, blood, bone and brain. I’ve never even spent much time thinking about detonating infants until I watched your commercial. Now it’s…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: October 13, 2010

Dear CVS Pharmacy,

Tonight I saw one of your commercials on TV and there were people frolicking in the water and others having fun in a social environment. I have to admit I didn’t pay much attention because we don’t have a CVS in Ames (that I am aware of), but it seemed like a decent commercial. While watching all I could think of though was, “That’s the company that refuses to take…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 14, 2015

Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.

Points of Interest