Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.


Dead Letter Office

Dear Prince Leopold,

I know to certain that aliens do not talk to you. I have empirical irrefutable cold hard evidence that this is not the case! God Himself told me that you are being visited by false prophets and your immortal soul is in danger!I am writing to ask you to repent and to come into the arms of the One True Lord Jesus Christ Our Savior. Only through Him can you know salvation!You must…

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Sent: November 10, 2008

Dear Care Bears,

I am not sure you are aware there are people who call themselves "furries." These are people who like to dress up in anthropomorphic animal costumes and engage in bizarre behaviors (I'm not one of these people!).Anyway, I was thinking you could make lots of money if you came out with a "Furry" line of toys aimed at adults, or even Care Bear costumes for adults that these people…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Toys"R"Us,

Sadly, I look a little like Ted Kaczynski, but I like toys! As a man in my late 30s I feel pretty uncomfortable walking around your store. I can feel the stares of parents wondering if I am there to snatch away one of their precious little snowflakes! Sometimes I feel like this when I go to the kids' section of a bookshop as well, but I know there's nothing you can do about…

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Sent: May 6, 2008

Dear FLAVORx,

Dear FLAVORx, I recently came across your "Pill Glide" product and think you guys are selling yourselves short! If 40% of adults have difficulty swallowing pills think of all the other things that engage the gag reflex! All the time people stick things in their mouths, like toothbrushes, that make them go "yack yack yack!" Confining yourself to just pills makes no sense. As a…

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Sent: April 12 , 2010

Dear Tiger Woods,

Have you ever heard of a poker player named Phil Ivey? They call him the Tiger Woods of poker, but I think that’s just plain silly. I think they only call him that because he’s good at what he does and black. Well, and he does look a little bit like you, but not that I am saying all black people look the same of anything! Anyway, I read on the internet that he like to play…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Hooters,

I know a lot of people claim they come to your restaurants because of the good chicken wings, but I never hear people say things like this about Pizza Hut. Do you think that's because Pizza Hut's chicken wings suck? I'm guessing so! Personally, I go to Hooters for the great lap dances. I have yet to manage to get one from a waitress, but usually, for a fiver, they will get…

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Sent: February 12, 2009

Dear Garrison Keillor,

I would love an autographed photo! I used to think you were funny, but your jokes are just stale and old now. Isn't it time for some new material? Let's retire the whole sponsored by ketchup, making fun of Norwegian's and Lutherans, and powdermilk biscuits and such. You could move on to other food groups, nationalities, and religions! I mean come on, even a bad Jew joke is…

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Sent: May 14, 2008

Dear Garden Burger,

Are not food products like your gardenburger bad? These are products made from vegetable matter that are intended to taste like meat! Isn't that disgusting? To me, it seems like people who eat this stuff are wanting to take a principled stand without having the principles. This is the worst kind of hypocrisy in my opinion. I wanted to know yours. Ever think that maybe you are…

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Sent: April 15, 2008

Dear StarKist,

I firmly believe in an informed consumer, so have to applaud your dolphin safe policy. I do also happen to believe in giving the consumer a choice. Dolphins aren't an endangered species are they? So why not come out with a line of tuna that may actually even have a small amount of of dolphin in it? I mean if the consumer can save a couple bucks it seems reasonable to me! But…

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Sent: July 1, 2009

Dear Dr. Phil,

I think you are a talentless hack. Surprisingly this is working out quite well for me, but I was still hoping you could send me an autographed photo or some other show souvenir. I would like something for my collection of items from failed talk show hosts. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 17, 2008

Dear Snack Patrol,

the idea of jerky and cheese together sounds wonderful. It’s so obvious that I am surprised no one has thought of it before! I have a great idea for a TV ad. You could have a guy walking down the street one way eating jerky, and a woman walking down the street the other way eating cheese, and when they bump into each other the guy can say, “You got cheese in my jerky,”…

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Sent: December 3, 2009

Dear Wallaby Yogurt,

​Happy Halloween!I am writing because I am sure the one question I have is something you are sick of answering, but I still need to know: How do you milk a Wallaby?Please don’t just say, “You milk Wallabies one wallaby at a time.” That would be disappointing.Sincerely,Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: October 31, 2020


Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.



Points of Interest