Jackass Letters: When Psychotherapy No Longer Helps!

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Dead Letter Office

Dear Emmett C. Burns,

Let’s dispense with the obvious question: Are you sure you are a Democrat? Seriously, the anti-gay rhetoric is usually reserved for the Republican party. They write it into their platform! So, are you a closeted Republican? It’s fine if you are. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are a Republican. Now, I have to ask, have you ever sucked a long and hard cock? I’m…

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Sent: September 8, 2012

Dear Steam Powered Giraffe,

This is a fan letter. I am writing it because I am a fan. I think you guys are great and wonderful and talented and funny and stylish and too cool for words, so really I shouldn’t be writing this! But did I mention I am a fan‽ I have to say “The Spine” is my favorite robot with “Rabbit” coming in a close second. “The Jon” is cool too, but he’s the only robot I…

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Sent: September 12, 2012

Dear Templeton Rye,

I’m a bit snookered right now. Or is it snockered? Snackered? Regardless, I have had too much Templeton Rye! But I thought I should fire off this missive before going to bed or before I get too much drunker. I’m turning neurons to morons! I’ve been looking for your rye for years now! Years I tell you! Every time I go into the store and ask, “Do you have any Templeton…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear J.D. Salinger’s PO Box,

did you know this PO Box was once used by J.D. Salinger? I think that kind of kicks ass. If he were still alive I’d probably be writing him a letter. I’d say a bunch of stupid fanboy shit about how I thought “The Catcher in the Rye” is the best book ever! Then I’d say how I thought Dennis Miller was a complete sellout and that wasn’t it a shame he’d named his kid…

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Sent: September 21, 2010

Dear Bureau of the Public Debt,

I read our current national debt is $13,169,257,749,345.36 give or take a few hundred thousand. This is a pretty big number if you ask me. This is why I am sending you $5. By my calculations this will make the debt a slightly more manageable $13,169,257,749,340.36! Just think, if everyone in the world did this we could get this debt whipped into shape in no time! I know some…

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Sent: July 7, 2010

Dear Bill Nye,

I doubt even Jesus believed in Creationism. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. can I get an autographed photo.

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Sent: October 2, 2012

Dear BASF,

I am enclosing a recipe for Norwegian Apple Pie. I know BASF doesn’t make Norwegian Apple Pie, but I was hoping you could make it better. Title: Norwegian Apple Pie Categories: Pies, Low-cal, Fruits Yield: 2 Servings Egg Sugar 1 tsp Vanilla extract 1 tsp Baking powder 1/2 C Flour Chopped walnuts (optional) Diced apples Beat egg, sugar, vanilla extract and baking powder…

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Sent: May 3, 2011

Dear Congressman Steve King,

I think you are a hate mongering, homophobic, racist bigot and a shame to the state of Iowa. How do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Any way I can get an autographed photo?

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Sent: April 18, 2008

Dear Mehmet C. Oz,

Can I get an autographed photo? It's so totally cool that Time named you one of the world's 100 most influential people! But some of the people on that list are total tools. I mean come on, Miley Cyrus, George Clooney, and Mariah Carey? What were they thinking? They should have gotten someone smarter to make that list (someone like you)! Robert Downey Jr.'s pretty cool though.…

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Sent: February 11, 2009

Dear Dennis Miller,

Do you look back on the days when your were still funny with nostalgia? I heard you quit drinking. This seems to have been a bad career choice for you! I remember seeing you trying to perform in Ames, Iowa some many years back and you were drunker than I’ve ever been (and that’s saying something!). You were an embarrassment, but almost kinda still somewhat funny. Anyway, I…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Mad Mex,

Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him on his bullshit, and said, “Pics or it didn’t happen!” and he came through with photos (one of…

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Sent: January 23, 2017

Dear President Bush,

My girlfriend likes you a lot more than I do. You could make me like you more if you would send me an autographed photo made out to her. Write something like: To [REDACTED], something Presidential and inspiring. (signed President of the United States - George W. Bush) This would be great. Fred Thompson did this for me and she was excited for days. Thanks, Christopher L.…

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Sent: April 11, 2008

Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.

Points of Interest