Longer Than You Think, Dad! Longer Than You Think!

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Dead Letter Office

Dear Scott Adams,

Some people are questioning whether you are indeed a certified genius. In fact, some people are saying downright mean things about your intelligence! (I’m not one of these people! I believe in you Mr. Adams!) So I am writing to put this issue to rest. A simple certified photocopy of your genius certification should be all that is needed to reassure the doubters. A nominal fee…

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Sent: April 27, 2011

Dear Q-tips,

I have a great idea for a new product and a couple questions. I really hope you let me know what you think!If there is such a thing as a Q-tips addiction then I have it. I never seem to have clean enough ears. I hate waxy buildup! I go through tons of these in a given week, and with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, it dawns on me this is one…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear Prince Leopold,

I know to certain that aliens do not talk to you. I have empirical irrefutable cold hard evidence that this is not the case! God Himself told me that you are being visited by false prophets and your immortal soul is in danger!I am writing to ask you to repent and to come into the arms of the One True Lord Jesus Christ Our Savior. Only through Him can you know salvation!You must…

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Sent: November 10, 2008

Dear RealDoll,

I love the idea of a RealDoll. A woman who is beautiful, never aging, and always willing and enthusiastic without fear of rejection? What's not to love? Well, I can think of a few things: I will admit that RealDoll's are attractive, but they set off that feeling of the "Uncanny Valley" for me (maybe if I turned do the lights real low?). Also, I'm one of those unfortunate men…

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Sent: January 16, 2021

Dear DeWALT,

I have one of your cordless drills and have to say I am happy enough with it that if I ever feel the need for more power tools they will be the DeWALT brand for sure! I use this thing all the time. I used to borrow a friend's, but, what with the pandemic and all, I decided being around other people wasn't something I was really interested in even if they are friends.I'm making…

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Sent: January 12, 2021

Dear FluentPet,

I am fairly certain my cat already knows how to speak. She is very vocal when she has something to say. Only real problem is I don't speak cat. I was thinking of purchasing your product so she could paw around giving me a piece of her mind and pushing my buttons, but I'm not sure I want to know what's going through her tiny feline brain. What if instead of being the demure…

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Sent: January 8, 2021

Dear Care Bears,

I am not sure you are aware there are people who call themselves "furries." These are people who like to dress up in anthropomorphic animal costumes and engage in bizarre behaviors (I'm not one of these people!).Anyway, I was thinking you could make lots of money if you came out with a "Furry" line of toys aimed at adults, or even Care Bear costumes for adults that these people…

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Sent: May 1, 2008


Dear FLAVORx, I recently came across your "Pill Glide" product and think you guys are selling yourselves short! If 40% of adults have difficulty swallowing pills think of all the other things that engage the gag reflex! All the time people stick things in their mouths, like toothbrushes, that make them go "yack yack yack!" Confining yourself to just pills makes no sense. As a…

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Sent: April 12 , 2010

Dear Tiger Woods,

Have you ever heard of a poker player named Phil Ivey? They call him the Tiger Woods of poker, but I think that’s just plain silly. I think they only call him that because he’s good at what he does and black. Well, and he does look a little bit like you, but not that I am saying all black people look the same of anything! Anyway, I read on the internet that he like to play…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Hooters,

I know a lot of people claim they come to your restaurants because of the good chicken wings, but I never hear people say things like this about Pizza Hut. Do you think that's because Pizza Hut's chicken wings suck? I'm guessing so! Personally, I go to Hooters for the great lap dances. I have yet to manage to get one from a waitress, but usually, for a fiver, they will get…

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Sent: February 12, 2009

Dear Garrison Keillor,

I would love an autographed photo! I used to think you were funny, but your jokes are just stale and old now. Isn't it time for some new material? Let's retire the whole sponsored by ketchup, making fun of Norwegian's and Lutherans, and powdermilk biscuits and such. You could move on to other food groups, nationalities, and religions! I mean come on, even a bad Jew joke is…

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Sent: May 14, 2008

Dear Garden Burger,

Are not food products like your gardenburger bad? These are products made from vegetable matter that are intended to taste like meat! Isn't that disgusting? To me, it seems like people who eat this stuff are wanting to take a principled stand without having the principles. This is the worst kind of hypocrisy in my opinion. I wanted to know yours. Ever think that maybe you are…

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Sent: April 15, 2008

Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.

Points of Interest