Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

Dead Letter Office

Dear Depend,

You have to admit the one major failing of your Depend products is that they totally lack in sex appeal! Have you ever thought about addressing this? Seems to me a line of super absorbent thongs would be a hot seller! There's a market out there for women with urinary incontinence that is going unserved. This has got to be just an oversight. Or perhaps these exist and I am just…

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Sent: December 8, 2008

Dear Scoop Away,

I love your Multiple Cat Formula Scoop Away Super Clump cat litter. I only have one cat, but I am not always diligent about changing her litter. I figure one cat with litter changed less often is like having a lot of cats and changing it a lot. Though there is perhaps an overlooked way you could increase marketing share. I've read your legal disclaimer, so know I can expect…

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Sent: May 12, 2008

Dear Charlie Rose,

You really have to believe you've led a blessed life. You've got to meet more interesting people than anyone I know, but then really, most of the people I know aren't that interesting. I has wondering if I could get an autographed photo and if you had any words of wisdom? I would love to be on your show some day, but honestly, I'm not that interesting either, but if you're…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear National Turkey Federation,

I love turkey! Yum yum! I eat it so much I am nearly made of the stuff! I have two problems though: One, turkey sausage is almost always stuffed inside "natural pork casing" or "collagen casing made from beef." Now let me ask you, if I wanted to put beef and pork down my throat don't you think I'd just eat pork or beef sausage? Can you tell the people making turkey sausage to…

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Sent: September 21, 2010

Dear Lazlo Toth,

I was wondering if you were dropped on your head as a baby. I am told this is a common infantile accident/injury, but I am having difficulty finding a documented case of anyone this has actually happened to. After reading some small amount about you though, I have become convinced you exhibit all the symptoms these children carry into adulthood: A nasally voice A certain moral…

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Sent: May 5, 2008

Dear American Mensa,

I’m too smart to join your stupid club. What do you think about that? Why don’t you reply in Esperanto or something! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: May 1, 2008

Dear Klondike Bar,

I bet you get letters all the time from people telling you what they would do for a Klondike bar. They probably even confess to all kinds of crimes! This is probably kind of weird. It's not like you have some kind of priest/penitent relationship. You're under no obligation to keep their confessions secret. In fact, I'm no lawyer, but I bet if you didn't report these admissions…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Mitt Romney,

I would like to see a copy of your birth certificate. I think we can both agree this is fair, since idiots and bigots have been asking the current guy for his for years. These ignoramuses weren’t even happy after Obama finally provided a copy. What more do you think it would have taken to satisfy these nutters? Refusal to send me your birth certificate will just put you in…

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Sent: April 11, 2012

Dear Thundershirt,

My girlfriend is afraid of thunder and I thought of buying her one of your Thundershirts. She wears a size 0-2 top (she’s a tiny thing!), so I think she could probably squeeze into one of your shirts for fat cats or one of the ones for smaller dogs. I am afraid she’ll do the “Freeze & Flop” once she’s in the shirt. Since I can’t exactly get her excited with a…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Whole Foods,

First, I must commend you on not serving up endangered species to people that insist on eating tasty fish. There are plenty of animals out there that can be killed and eaten without contributing to the permanent demise of a species! Stewardship takes guts and you have stewardship! So hats off! I keep reading about how you are just pandering to “green people,” but I believe…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Sriracha,

I know a lot of people like to pretend your sriracha is really hot, but it’s really not. Don’t get me wrong, I love the stuff, but I think the people who act like it’s liquid death are just deluding themselves. These are the sort of people that go on “death defying” merry-go-rounds all the while avoiding the roller coasters. I put sriracha on nearly everything. I call…

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Sent: May 1, 2012

Dear Topolobampo,

How do you pronounce Topolobampo? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: May 1, 2012

Even More Unanswered Letters

Every letter posted here is at least ninety days without a reply. This is a mostly comprehensive list, but some may have been lost.

Points of Interest