Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

March 7, 2020

Congressman Devin Nunes
P.O. Box 6545
Visalia, CA 93290

Dear Congressman Devin Nunes,

Can I get an autographed photo? This would make my day. I live a fairly disappointing life, so if there’s anything you can do to make it even slightly better, I would appreciate this.

I find myself in desperate need of some money and I recently read that you are suing people for billions of dollars for emotional distress and a damaged reputation. While I don’t really have much of a reputation, I do have feelings, you know? I figure if this really is a lucrative path to righteous dollars, then I want in on this action! Obviously, I won’t be able to make as good of a living at this as you do, but I figure if I somehow manage to make a name for myself as someone who is continuously professionally butthurt like you, then maybe, someday, I too could be a Congressman? That would be awesome. We could fight the good fight together, man!

I only have one problem. I don’t know any unethical lawyers completely lacking in scruples who would be willing to waste the court’s time with frivolous lawsuits, but I figure you must, right? I mean, you either have a law degree of your own, or you’ve got some fixer button man at hand to take up these causes, right? And they can’t all be loser cases, right? I mean, that’s no way to get rich. All I need is one big score! I figure we can go fifty-fifty if you put me in touch with your guy to do the suing. I’ll even let you pick who’s hurt my feel feels.

You are the Devin Nunes that is suing an imaginary internet cow, right? I mean there can’t be that many Devin Nuneses out there, can there? If not, my bad. Just pass this letter along to the other Devin Nunes if this is the case. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. Please don’t sue me. If you sue me it will make it that much harder for us to enter into a partnership agreement.