Jackass Letters: When Psychotherapy No Longer Helps!

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear Manscaped,

​I am so confused. I mean, I know people shave their balls, but why? If God meant for us to shave down there he wouldn’t have given us hair down there, right? Real men have hair! Are some men just unnaturally hairy in the nether regions? I’ve long suspected my friend Anthony Imperioli shaves his balls, but that makes a bit of sense, because I know of few men hairier, but…

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Sent: February 28, 2020

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

Dear Uni-ball,

For reasons I won’t go into I sometimes call my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli “Uni-ball” (it’s sort of a nickname). I thought it would be great fun to get him some of your pens as an inside joke. So I sent him some Uni-Ball Vision Elite Pens. He loved them and sent me a picture of a donkey as thanks. I’m still a Pilot Precise V5 Retractable Extra Fine Point Black…

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Sent: July 18, 2011

Dear Fleet Enema,

I just watched the commercials with drag star Varla Jean Merman and found them to be funny, but lacking in sex appeal. Now, I don’t want to go about telling you your business, but I think if you get someone with obvious good looks in there, someone with a sense of style and panache, a real hard-boiled, hard-bodied man’s man, a handsome young thing, someone like my friend…

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Sent: September 26, 2011

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

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Sent: July 6, 2011

Dear Uline,

re: 55 Gallon Steel Drum I’m not saying I’m going to do this, but I was wanting to know if I took a 55 gallon steel drum and insured it was well venellated, would I be able to ship myself to Canada? I was thinking of visiting my friend Anthony Imperioli and this seems like a highly economical way to go about it. I’d want to do this legally, of course, so I would declare…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Clean Waste,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…

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Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Envirokidz,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear ZAGG,

I used to be a materialistic man beset by the earthly wants and needs of the typical American consumer of commercial products. I did my best to keep the economy going and to embrace Capitalism. All hail the mighty dollar! I bought things I didn’t need with money I didn’t have in the search of the perfect purchase to make me happy. Yet, I was empty inside. But then I met…

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Sent: January 31, 2012

Dear Quavers,

I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…

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Sent: October 29, 2011

Dear Original Pasta Fork,

I’m mesmerized by the videos of this fork in action! Personally, I think the idea is a bit silly, but then so are most good ideas. A fork that spins by itself seems to cater to the lazy or the inept. I mean how hard is it to spin a fork? Thing is though there are tons of people that can’t seem to master this simple skill. Take my friend (please! Ha ha!) Anthony Imperioli.…

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Sent: August 31, 2011


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



Points of Interest