Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.
The other day my friend Anthony Imperioli was spouting off about how your talking nipple commercial sucks. I couldn’t tell if his clever wordplay was deliberate, but I thought any nipple commercial should suck since that’s what nipples are for (if you ask me)! But then he said, and I quote, “(it) is about as funny as a goat abortion.” That’s not funny at all (and I…
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Sent: August 15, 2011
I was thinking of getting a friend of mine, Anthony Imperioli, a Zippo. I don’t know if he smokes or not, but since he’s Canadian I figured he would start if I got him a cool enough lighter. They have nationalized healthcare in Canada so if he got a smoker’s cough or black lung or cancer or something it really wouldn’t be that expensive for him to get the very best…
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Sent: October 24, 2011
I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…
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Sent: March 29, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…
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Sent: February 6, 2013
I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…
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Sent: August 23, 2011
I used to be a materialistic man beset by the earthly wants and needs of the typical American consumer of commercial products. I did my best to keep the economy going and to embrace Capitalism. All hail the mighty dollar! I bought things I didn’t need with money I didn’t have in the search of the perfect purchase to make me happy. Yet, I was empty inside. But then I met…
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Sent: January 31, 2012
I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…
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Sent: November 18, 2011
I have this friend and he likes you a lot for some reason, but Canadians also like poutine, so I wouldn’t take too much stock in this! This guy does all kinds of favors for me for no reason at all really (I don’t pay him to be my friend). I thought I would try to do something nice and get an autographed photo for him to frame and cherish forever. Can I get you to make out a…
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Sent: September 1, 2010
I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
