Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.
I was thinking of getting a friend of mine, Anthony Imperioli, a Zippo. I don’t know if he smokes or not, but since he’s Canadian I figured he would start if I got him a cool enough lighter. They have nationalized healthcare in Canada so if he got a smoker’s cough or black lung or cancer or something it really wouldn’t be that expensive for him to get the very best…
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Sent: October 24, 2011
I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…
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Sent: October 29, 2011
I just watched the commercials with drag star Varla Jean Merman and found them to be funny, but lacking in sex appeal. Now, I don’t want to go about telling you your business, but I think if you get someone with obvious good looks in there, someone with a sense of style and panache, a real hard-boiled, hard-bodied man’s man, a handsome young thing, someone like my friend…
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Sent: September 26, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…
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Sent: January 24, 2013
could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…
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Sent: March 10, 2012
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
A friend told me all about Barnesville Potatoe Days, and it sounds quite exciting, but I had no idea Minnesota was famous for potatoes. I always thought that was Idaho, so I looked on a map and Barnesville isn’t anywhere near Idaho! Regardless, if my friend can be believed Potatoe Days sounds amazing. I mean where else can you get Norwegian lefse, German potato pancakes, and…
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Sent: January 22, 2009
My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…
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Sent: August 5, 2011
I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
I’m sure you’ve heard of the boy so ugly his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him? Well, my friend Anthony Imperioli has this same problem! Although Anthony’s not ugly (he’s quite handsome in fact!) dogs don’t seem to much care for the man. So I was thinking a few dollops of D.A.P. behind the ears would help my dapper friend…
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Sent: August 23, 2011
I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…
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Sent: July 6, 2011
I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
