Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.
My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…
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Sent: August 5, 2011
I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…
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Sent: October 29, 2011
I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…
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Sent: November 18, 2011
Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…
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Sent: July 29, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…
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Sent: February 6, 2013
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…
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Sent: April 27, 2011
I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…
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Sent: July 14, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…
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Sent: September 27, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…
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Sent: August 5, 2011
First off, I think I am missing the men’s section on your website. I doubt I could still get one by Christmas, but honestly, I live in Iowa, so having one during the winter is pretty stupid, but as long as I get mine before summer I’ll be happy. What do you need to know so I can insure a proper fit? Length and girth I am assuming, but maybe a measurement from some point on…
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Sent: December 7, 2009
