Christopher L. Jorgensen is Not Your Own Personal Jesus

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear Rapala,

Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…

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Sent: July 29, 2011

Dear Original Pasta Fork,

I’m mesmerized by the videos of this fork in action! Personally, I think the idea is a bit silly, but then so are most good ideas. A fork that spins by itself seems to cater to the lazy or the inept. I mean how hard is it to spin a fork? Thing is though there are tons of people that can’t seem to master this simple skill. Take my friend (please! Ha ha!) Anthony Imperioli.…

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Sent: August 31, 2011

Dear Blaser USA,

My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…

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Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear Old Dutch Potato Chips,

Anyone who says other potato chips are better than yours is plainly lying! The other day I found one in my belly button. True story! (It was leftover from eating chips the day before.)My Canadian friend wanted to know if I ate it. Of course I did! Who wouldn’t? It had ripples.Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2011

Dear Century Publishing,

I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear World Parrot Refuge,

I read on the internet that you are raising money to feed birds and I was a bit confused, because I couldn’t figure out what you were feeding them to. Then I realized you were raising money to buy nuts and seeds FOR the birds which would make more sense to me except I read that you have hundreds of birds and that it costs $500 a year to feed and house one of these things!…

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Sent: February 28, 2011

Dear Mike the Headless Chicken,

I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear World’s Largest Catsup Bottle,

I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear White Spot Restaurants,

I always say, “What happens in the broom closet stays in the broom closet,” well, unless you get some on a sweater. (Don’t worry if this makes no sense. Few things in life do!) Anyway, I had occasion to do a search of the internets for “white spot” and I found your restaurants! (This is not at all what I was looking for.) I checked out your menu and decided I wanted…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear OPUS,

My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear Skintimate,

My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Gordon Ramsay,

I have this friend and he likes you a lot for some reason, but Canadians also like poutine, so I wouldn’t take too much stock in this! This guy does all kinds of favors for me for no reason at all really (I don’t pay him to be my friend). I thought I would try to do something nice and get an autographed photo for him to frame and cherish forever. Can I get you to make out a…

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Sent: September 1, 2010


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



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