Jackass Letters: When Psychotherapy No Longer Helps!

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear Rapala,

Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…

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Sent: July 29, 2011

Dear My Shreddies,

My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…

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Sent: February 6, 2013

Dear White Spot Restaurants,

I always say, “What happens in the broom closet stays in the broom closet,” well, unless you get some on a sweater. (Don’t worry if this makes no sense. Few things in life do!) Anyway, I had occasion to do a search of the internets for “white spot” and I found your restaurants! (This is not at all what I was looking for.) I checked out your menu and decided I wanted…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear OPUS,

My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…

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Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear World’s Largest Catsup Bottle,

I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear Barnesville Potatoe Days,

A friend told me all about Barnesville Potatoe Days, and it sounds quite exciting, but I had no idea Minnesota was famous for potatoes. I always thought that was Idaho, so I looked on a map and Barnesville isn’t anywhere near Idaho! Regardless, if my friend can be believed Potatoe Days sounds amazing. I mean where else can you get Norwegian lefse, German potato pancakes, and…

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Sent: January 22, 2009

Dear Mike the Headless Chicken,

I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend your “Mike the Headless Chicken” festival in 2012. My friend Anthony Imperioli will also be unable to make it. We were looking forward to this festival and both believe if we’d been given more advanced notice we might have been able to attend. My friend Anthony would like pointers on creating his own headless chicken.…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear TomTom,

I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…

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Sent: May 11, 2011

Dear Envirokidz,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear ZAGG,

I used to be a materialistic man beset by the earthly wants and needs of the typical American consumer of commercial products. I did my best to keep the economy going and to embrace Capitalism. All hail the mighty dollar! I bought things I didn’t need with money I didn’t have in the search of the perfect purchase to make me happy. Yet, I was empty inside. But then I met…

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Sent: January 31, 2012

Dear Cockapoo Club of America,

My friend Anthony Imperioli wants both a cocker spaniel and a poodle. Unfortunately he can’t have both with his prior track record of not being able to care for more than one pet at a time (don’t even ask about the miniature donkeys!), so I suggested he get a cockapoo! At first he wouldn’t believe there was any such thing, but when I showed him pictures he instantly fell…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Quavers,

I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…

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Sent: October 29, 2011


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



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