Changing the World One Letter at a Time

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear Vent Haven Museum,

Happy Halloween! I have a need for a monkey puppet. Can you help me out? I want to use it to make commentary on social media. I was going to call it “The Social Media Monkey,” but I have to admit that’s not a very catchy name. My friend Anthony Imperioli has a puppet. Her name is Nonna Maria and you have to admit that gives the puppet a bit more realism. Maybe you could…

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Sent: October 28, 2011

Dear US Pole Dance Federation,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…

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Sent: September 27, 2011

Dear Dingo Brand,

Every time my friend Anthony Imperioli walks down the pet treat aisle and he sees your products he shouts out “Dingos ate my baby!” in his best Australian accent. This is embarrassing for obvious reasons, not the least of which, being Canadian his Australian accent really sucks. Then he always proceeds to ask me if I knew that there was a fictional band named “Dingos Ate…

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Sent: August 15, 2011

Dear Skintimate,

My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Envirokidz,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is quite upset by your new box design for your Envirokidz Organic Gorilla Munch cereal. He’s an emotional lad though and Italian, so that guy will get bent out of shape over just about anything. He was wailing and gnashing his teeth and crying out, “I’m so angry, my Jimmies are rustled! Rustled!” He was what we Americans refer to as…

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Sent: January 24, 2013

Dear Century Publishing,

I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…

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Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear CString,

First off, I think I am missing the men’s section on your website. I doubt I could still get one by Christmas, but honestly, I live in Iowa, so having one during the winter is pretty stupid, but as long as I get mine before summer I’ll be happy. What do you need to know so I can insure a proper fit? Length and girth I am assuming, but maybe a measurement from some point on…

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Sent: December 7, 2009

Dear White Spot Restaurants,

I always say, “What happens in the broom closet stays in the broom closet,” well, unless you get some on a sweater. (Don’t worry if this makes no sense. Few things in life do!) Anyway, I had occasion to do a search of the internets for “white spot” and I found your restaurants! (This is not at all what I was looking for.) I checked out your menu and decided I wanted…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear Lululemon,

I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…

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Sent: November 18, 2011

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

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Sent: July 6, 2011

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…

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Sent: March 10, 2012

Dear Marshmallow Fluff,

First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…

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Sent: April 27, 2011


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



Points of Interest