Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.


The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear New Church,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is most likely beyond hope (and not just because he’s Canadian), but I was wondering how I could get him out of the frying pan and yet save him from the fire (so to speak). I’ve sent him emails asking him to mend his Godless ways, but I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his behavior! I am sure Anthony is destined for the lake of fire, and…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: March 28, 2011

Dear Olive Garden,

I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Original Pasta Fork,

I’m mesmerized by the videos of this fork in action! Personally, I think the idea is a bit silly, but then so are most good ideas. A fork that spins by itself seems to cater to the lazy or the inept. I mean how hard is it to spin a fork? Thing is though there are tons of people that can’t seem to master this simple skill. Take my friend (please! Ha ha!) Anthony Imperioli.…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 31, 2011

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: March 10, 2012

Dear World Parrot Refuge,

I read on the internet that you are raising money to feed birds and I was a bit confused, because I couldn’t figure out what you were feeding them to. Then I realized you were raising money to buy nuts and seeds FOR the birds which would make more sense to me except I read that you have hundreds of birds and that it costs $500 a year to feed and house one of these things!…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: February 28, 2011

Dear Lululemon,

I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: November 18, 2011

Dear National Miniature Donkey Association,

I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: March 29, 2011

Dear ZAGG,

I used to be a materialistic man beset by the earthly wants and needs of the typical American consumer of commercial products. I did my best to keep the economy going and to embrace Capitalism. All hail the mighty dollar! I bought things I didn’t need with money I didn’t have in the search of the perfect purchase to make me happy. Yet, I was empty inside. But then I met…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 31, 2012

Dear Century Publishing,

I’m not gay or anything, but sometimes certain men have some kind of hold over me. I mean hot is hot if you know what I mean. Like I have this Canadian friend who’s a bit more attractive than he should be. If Anthony Imperioli wasn’t so far away, and if we both didn’t have girlfriends, I don’t know where things would lead! This thought keeps me up at night! So I was…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear Uline,

re: 55 Gallon Steel Drum I’m not saying I’m going to do this, but I was wanting to know if I took a 55 gallon steel drum and insured it was well venellated, would I be able to ship myself to Canada? I was thinking of visiting my friend Anthony Imperioli and this seems like a highly economical way to go about it. I’d want to do this legally, of course, so I would declare…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear White Spot Restaurants,

I always say, “What happens in the broom closet stays in the broom closet,” well, unless you get some on a sweater. (Don’t worry if this makes no sense. Few things in life do!) Anyway, I had occasion to do a search of the internets for “white spot” and I found your restaurants! (This is not at all what I was looking for.) I checked out your menu and decided I wanted…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear Fazoli’s,

My friend Anthony Imperioli absolutely refuses to eat in your restaurants. He says they aren’t “authentic” (whatever that means!). I say it’s his loss. He’s the one missing out on free breadsticks! I think it’s because Anthony is Italian that he’s such a food snob, but it could be because he’s Canadian? Are your restaurants in Canada different than the US ones?…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: April 6, 2011


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



Points of Interest