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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

One Iowa man's epistolary love affair for a Canadian he's never met.

Dear Dollar Shave Club,

could you please let your spokesman and founder “Mike” (I assume this is an assumed name and should be said with air quotes) know I have a handful of issues with his promotional video? First, who doesn’t need a vibrating razor? Seriously, think this through! The world would be a better place if more shit vibrated. When I am in staff meetings sometimes I use a coworker’s…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: March 10, 2012

Dear US Pole Dance Federation,

My friend Anthony Imperioli is saddened to learn he is disqualified to compete in your pole dancing competitions on two fronts. One, he’s a dude. Two, he’s Canadian. I told him he should write about becoming a judge instead, but that boy is shy, so I am writing you on his behalf! I’m guessing there are few female pole dancing judges, but I could be wrong (I often am!), so…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: September 27, 2011

Dear Olive Garden,

I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 6, 2011

Dear Chuck Testa,

I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: January 17, 2012

Dear World’s Largest Catsup Bottle,

I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: September 13, 2010

Dear Quavers,

I saw a baby goat on the internet playing and dancing on a bucket and a stump. Imagine the cutest thing you have ever seen. Got it? Well, this is way cuter! Are you wondering why I am writing to tell you about this? Well, it’s because the goat’s name is Quaver! They named the goat after your crisps. If you don’t believe me you can do a search for “Quaver the Pygmy goat…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: October 29, 2011

Dear Marshmallow Fluff,

First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: April 27, 2011

Dear Anti-Monkey Butt Powder,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: July 14, 2011

Dear Original Pasta Fork,

I’m mesmerized by the videos of this fork in action! Personally, I think the idea is a bit silly, but then so are most good ideas. A fork that spins by itself seems to cater to the lazy or the inept. I mean how hard is it to spin a fork? Thing is though there are tons of people that can’t seem to master this simple skill. Take my friend (please! Ha ha!) Anthony Imperioli.…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 31, 2011

Dear Zippo,

I was thinking of getting a friend of mine, Anthony Imperioli, a Zippo. I don’t know if he smokes or not, but since he’s Canadian I figured he would start if I got him a cool enough lighter. They have nationalized healthcare in Canada so if he got a smoker’s cough or black lung or cancer or something it really wouldn’t be that expensive for him to get the very best…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: October 24, 2011

Dear OPUS,

My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…

Read: Full Letter
Sent: August 5, 2011

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

Read: Full Letter & Reply
Sent: July 6, 2011


The Complete Anthony Imperioli Letters



Points of Interest