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Dear Martha Stewart

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

September 30, 2009

Martha Stewart
c/o Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
11 W 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036

Dear Martha Stewart,

recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show.

Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony Michael Hall plays a character named Brian Johnson that sets a flare gun off in his locker all because he couldn’t make an elephant lamp!

“See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um—and we had eight weeks to do it and we’re s’posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s’posed to go on. My light didn’t go on, I got a F on it.”

So I figure it’s about time someone showed Hall/Johnson how to make this lamp work. And since Anthony Michael Hall’s show “The Dead Zone” has been canceled I don’t really see him saying no! It’s all a perfect tie-in. An out of work actor, a recently dead writer/director, and it’s coming up on the 25th anniversary of “The Breakfast Club.” This all comes together! Please consider doing this. It would be a total nostalgia kick for anyone who grew up in the 80’s.


Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. any way I can get an autographed photo?




[Editor’s note: The idea for this letter was

stolen from

inspired by a post on the Ironic Sans website.]

This site in book form. Buy it now!


Martha Stewart

Thank you for contacting Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

In order to expedite an autographed photograph request, please send
your request with a self-addressed stamped 9-by-13-inch envelope
with appropriate padding to:

Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
ATTN: Customer Relations
11 W 42nd St
New York NY 10036

We will only fulfill requests that include U.S. postage.
We cannot process requests with return coupons.

Martha will autograph her approved photograph only.
She will not autograph magazine covers or other materials.
Only one request per household, please.

Due to Martha’s schedule, please allow 6-8 weeks for your
autographed photo request to be completed.
We appreciate your patience.









Scan of the letter from Martha Stewart


I am going to point out that Martha follows me on twitter. I have no idea why, but she does. That makes me cooler than 99.6% of her followers (I had help with that math). I am guessing it’s a mistake she’d correct if it were ever brought to her attention.

Someone at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia needs fired. The postage on this letter was $0.88. Someone is paying the US government way too much! Since this is a boilerplate letter,  sent to hundreds of people a day (I imagine), someone there needs to look into bulk mailing, but this aside, postage is currently only $0.44. Why is Martha paying double?

Where this response is really a failure in my mind is they should just pay the extra fifty cents or so and send a damn photo. Personally, I could care less, since in my mind Martha is nothing more than a white collar criminal, only slightly better than Bernard Madoff, but for the true fan I can imagine this sterile letter to be quite disappointing. It’s on cheap-ass stationery, unsigned, undated, and with an uninspired monogram.

I guess I was expecting hand signed, scented, high rag count paper, with custom watermark that obeyed the minimum conventions of proper business etiquette; little things, like a a signature, a date, perhaps my address on the letter, and some slight indication that perhaps my letter had been read? Oh well.

I guess Anthony Michael Hall will just have to learn to live with failure (my letter to him bounced by the way). Also, I have no idea who Jerry O’Connell is.

By Christopher L. Jorgensen


Have a comment? Put a stamp on an envelope and drop it in the mail to:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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