Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…
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Sent: July 17, 2008
Can I get an autographed photo?Also, I was wondering, do you eat meat? Or are you a vegetarian? What about fish, chicken, or pork? This is kinda important.Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: July 17, 2008
I fucking loved “Deadwood.” The cocksuckers that canceled that show aught to be fucking shot. Goddamn Hoopleheads. This show is the reason I want to visit your cocksucking town. Don’t worry, I don’t expect it to be like it is on the TV, what with all the whoring and gambling and people using swearwords like “cunt” and “shit.” I think swearing for swearing’s…
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Sent: October 4, 2010
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
I love peanut butter! I love my girlfriend! Like chocolate and peanut butter some things just plain go well together. That’s my girlfriend and I. The only thing that could make things better would be more peanut butter. I was wondering if there was an easy way to figure out how much peanut butter would be required to cover my girlfriend from head to toe. (I don’t want to…
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Sent: September 26, 2012
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
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Sent: May 29, 2008
My friend Anthony Imperioli is Canadian too! Do you know him? He’s a pretty cool guy. He does a puppet show on the internet that is pretty good, but sometimes it makes me question his sanity. What normal adult plays with puppets? You should get Anthony to come on your show. He lives in Montreal. I have no idea how far this is away from Oshawa, but I’d bet he’d make the…
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Sent: August 5, 2011
I have a friend that lives in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and he’s all the time trying to get me to visit. I thought I might give it a shot and since he’s Italian I thought maybe we could eat at an Olive Garden while I was there. I’m afraid if I leave dining choices up to Anthony he’ll want to go to some “authentic” Italian place. That’s probably fine, but you…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
I would have been so much more impressed if, instead of, “World’s Largest Catsup Bottle” you were “World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup.” That one word is a world of difference. I want there to be real Catsup in there! That would be so cool. if people could go to the tap and get hot water, cold water, or catsup. I’m a bit saddened to learn that I’ve missed the…
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Sent: September 13, 2010
My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…
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Sent: April 26, 2012
My friend Anthony Imperioli absolutely refuses to eat in your restaurants. He says they aren’t “authentic” (whatever that means!). I say it’s his loss. He’s the one missing out on free breadsticks! I think it’s because Anthony is Italian that he’s such a food snob, but it could be because he’s Canadian? Are your restaurants in Canada different than the US ones?…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
First off I must admit that I believe my leg has been pulled. I am assured you sell Fluff in five-gallon buckets. This both entices and mortifies me. Who has a need for that much Fluff? When I checked your website though I see no such thing! Like I said, my leg’s been pulled, right? If you do sell it in five-gallon buckets can you tell me how much it would cost to send two…
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Sent: April 27, 2011
I wanted to express my opinion on your November 29, 2011 column. I should have probably written this letter months ago, but I am not a fast thinker. You take Emma Sullivan to task and call her “potty-mouthed” because she used the word “sucks” to describe Kansas Gov.…
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Sent: August 17, 2012
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re withholding a student’s diploma for her usage of the word “hell.” What a totally shitty thing to do. God damn you’re an idiot. It’s staggering how completely moronic you are! We both know how this ends, right? Start writing that…
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Sent: August 24, 2012
Let’s dispense with the obvious question: Are you sure you are a Democrat? Seriously, the anti-gay rhetoric is usually reserved for the Republican party. They write it into their platform! So, are you a closeted Republican? It’s fine if you are. There’s nothing to be…
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Sent: September 8, 2012
Every year my friend Brian Broome taunts me with descriptions of the mythical Gobblerito. Every damn year! He says it’s turkey, black bean potatoes, stuffing, and corn, wrapped in a warm tortilla and covered in gravy, all served with a side of cranberries. I finally called him…
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Sent: January 23, 2017
Merry Christmas! Every year around this time my thoughts turn to Christmas, which then makes me think of Jesus, which makes me think of Christians, which makes me think of lions, and then I smile. I looked at your gift store online and didn’t see what I wanted, but I decided to send you $20 anyway. What would make my day is a lucky lion’s tooth (or bobcat or leopard…
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Sent: December 10, 2010
I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…
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Sent: November 11, 2011
Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…
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Sent: January 7, 2013
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
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Sent: September 29, 2010
