Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.

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Best of Letters

Dear Nair,

I know you’ll be anxious to get to get to the end of this letter just so you can get to work on my idea! Just skip to the end of the next paragraph if all you’re interested in is making lots more money and launching a new product. I noticed on your website that you make nair, nair for men, and many pet products. Well, as you know cat hair is everywhere! I get a near…

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Sent: June 9, 2008

Dear Butterball Turkey,

This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys!Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey.…

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Sent: September 22, 2010

Dear Big Bird,

Can I get an autographed photo?Also, I was wondering, do you eat meat? Or are you a vegetarian? What about fish, chicken, or pork? This is kinda important.Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: July 17, 2008

Dear Bon Ami,

I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…

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Sent: July 20, 2011

Dear Avery’s Beverages,

I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…

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Sent: January 8, 2009

Dear NRA,

A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…

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Sent: July 17, 2008

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The Anthony Imperioli Letters

Dear Lululemon,

I would love to see my Canadian friend, Anthony Imperioli, in a pair of tight fitting yoga pants, but unfortunately I don’t have a hundred dollars to buy them for him (even as a Christmas present), so I imagine Anthony will have to do his yoga pantsless. I was hoping I could get one of your “John Galt” shopping bags instead. I hear these aren’t going over very well, but…

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Sent: November 18, 2011

Dear Fleet Enema,

I just watched the commercials with drag star Varla Jean Merman and found them to be funny, but lacking in sex appeal. Now, I don’t want to go about telling you your business, but I think if you get someone with obvious good looks in there, someone with a sense of style and panache, a real hard-boiled, hard-bodied man’s man, a handsome young thing, someone like my friend…

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Sent: September 26, 2011

Dear Boudreaux’s Butt Paste,

I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli who acts all butt hurt all the time. He’s a sensitive guy and the slightest thing sets him off. There’s nothing worse than when a Canadian Italian man turns on the waterworks! Anyway, I was thinking of sending him a tub of your butt paste, but I am afraid it will get confiscated by overzealous border agents determined to…

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Sent: July 6, 2011

Dear Skintimate,

My friend Antony Imperioli insists on waxing various parts of his body (mostly his arms, legs, and chest). He says this causes him great amounts of pain and distress. For some time I have been trying to convince him to just shave. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want a razor anywhere near his intimates, but the rest of the body should be able to be shaved. I try to tell…

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Sent: April 26, 2012

Dear Manscaped,

​I am so confused. I mean, I know people shave their balls, but why? If God meant for us to shave down there he wouldn’t have given us hair down there, right? Real men have hair! Are some men just unnaturally hairy in the nether regions? I’ve long suspected my friend Anthony Imperioli shaves his balls, but that makes a bit of sense, because I know of few men hairier, but…

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Sent: February 28, 2020

Dear Uni-ball,

For reasons I won’t go into I sometimes call my Canadian friend Anthony Imperioli “Uni-ball” (it’s sort of a nickname). I thought it would be great fun to get him some of your pens as an inside joke. So I sent him some Uni-Ball Vision Elite Pens. He loved them and sent me a picture of a donkey as thanks. I’m still a Pilot Precise V5 Retractable Extra Fine Point Black…

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Sent: July 18, 2011

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Dead Letter Office

Dear Elf on the Shelf,

Recently, renowned First Amendment Attorney Marc Randazza made some disparaging remarks about the “Elf on the Shelf.” He said:“This ‘Elf on the Shelf’ crap is going too far. Have you read this shit? It is like the Department of Homeland Security created a toy and a…

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Sent: December 5, 2012

Dear Planet Fitness,

Thanks for opening up a franchise in my area! I’m thinking of joining. I got a direct mailing that says something like $3 signup fee, and only $10 a month, and I have 24 hour access to various pieces of equipment. Now, usually, I just recycle things like this right away, but…

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Sent: February 27, 2020

Dear Congressman Devin Nunes,

Can I get an autographed photo? This would make my day. I live a fairly disappointing life, so if there’s anything you can do to make it even slightly better, I would appreciate this. I find myself in desperate need of some money and I recently read that you are suing people…

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Sent: March 7, 2020

Dear Care Bears,

I am not sure you are aware there are people who call themselves "furries." These are people who like to dress up in anthropomorphic animal costumes and engage in bizarre behaviors (I'm not one of these people!).Anyway, I was thinking you could make lots of money if you came out…

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Sent: May 1, 2008

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Worst of Letters

Dear Hobby Lobby,

You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 10, 2008

Dear Harvestland,

You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…

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Sent: November 24, 2012

Dear TJ Maxx,

Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen

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Sent: April 21, 2011

Dear Edy’s Grand Ice Cream,

First off, let me assure you that I am not a child under the age of 18, so you can feel safe to reply to this letter. Next, I just wanted to say your pomegranate popsicles kick ass! I dig the variety packs as well (though I am not a fan of lime). I can eat a pomegranate popsicle and feel like I am being healthy as well as satisfying my cravings for sweets. Sometimes, when I am…

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Sent: September 20, 2010

Dear Dr Pepper,

I’ve always preferred Dr Pepper to Mr Pibb. 1. It’s better. 2. Mr Pibb is a bad knockoff. I was reading the history of Mr Pibb and saw they originally called it Dr Pibb, but that was seen as a trademark violation so they had to revoke his medical license (figuratively) and call it “Mr.” That’s such a lame name Personally I find it a damn shame they were allowed to…

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Sent: November 11, 2011

Dear Red Cross,

I wanted to send something along to make someone’s life easier, but I don’t really have a lot to send along. In fact, I wish I was on the receiving end of the ease for once if you know what I mean (you probably don’t)! A long time ago, I read an article, about how after hurricane Andrew blew through, the Red Cross put out a call for donations of items, and was inundated…

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Sent: August 27, 2010

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