Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
I was wondering a few things. This happens to me a lot. I sit around wondering all the time. It’s like my brain won’t shut off! I thought I’d write and share a few of the things I think about. Like just the other day I was sitting here and I thought, “I wonder what’s the oddest, strangest, absolutely bizarre thing Chuck Testa has ever taxidermized?” Part of me is frightened by the idea that this might not just be a singular thing! Like maybe the oddest thing isn’t the same animal as the strangest one or even the absolutely bizarre animal!
I was also wondering if you’ve ever done people? I have a friend named Anthony Imperioli and it seems like a damn shame that when he dies he’ll just be stuck in the ground or cremated! Seems to me if he could be taxidermized he could continue to bring pleasure to people for generations! I’m guessing you don’t do people though, and Anthony is still alive regardless, so it’s probably not going to happen any time soon even if you do.
Have you ever met Ted Nugent? I hear he likes to hunt and I thought it would be awesome if you’d taxidermized something for him.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: January 17, 2012
A little over 8 years ago Charlton Heston was quoted as saying “From my cold, dead hands!” when referring to gun rights laws. I know he’s dead now and all, so I was wondering has anyone done this yet? It would seem to me to be a great oversight if no one bothered to take him up on this declaration! After all, if we can’t give due respect to the dead, who can we respect?…
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Sent: July 17, 2008
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
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Sent: May 29, 2008
I’m a lot like Gomez Addams. Dashingly handsome, stylish, clever and witty, decent with a rapier, and possessing a profound weakness for French. In fact the other day my girlfriend was cleaning the kitchen, being all domestic in her apron and scrubbing the coffee-stained sink (I’ve since been admonished to pour coffee directly into the drain). I asked what she was doing and…
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Sent: July 20, 2011
On the back of your packaging you state, “Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.” Then later it says, “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. EYE IRRITANT.” Which is it? Is your product safe to use around children or not? Also, I’ve seen some pretty horrible parenting…
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Sent: September 4, 2009
recently you had Jerry O’Connell on your show and you showed him how to make a wooden bunny lamp to go into his twin’s nursery. This is cool and all, but a better guest would be Anthony Michael Hall! He’d be so much cooler to have on your show. Do you remember an iconic film called “The Breakfast Club,” written and directed by John Hughes? Well, in this movie Anthony…
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Sent: September 30, 2009
Whenever I ask anyone I work with a question they say, “Don’t ask me. I’m just a mushroom.” If you ask what that means they say, “I’m kept in the dark and fed a steady diet of shit.” Mostly I work with assholes. I was eating one of your portabella mushrooms for dinner tonight and the instructions say to wash the mushroom, which makes sense if they are indeed fed a…
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Sent: January 30, 2012
I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…
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Sent: May 11, 2011
I’m all for penalizing the Canadians for being Canadian, but what I don’t get is why it costs them more to join your organization if they are paying in US dollars. If my friend Anthony Imperioli (he’s Canadian) has to pay $45 to join your fine organization, I don’t quite get why I can get in for as little as $35 if we’re both paying in fine American currency! I’m…
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Sent: March 29, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a problem I would like to help him with. He’s Canadian and farts a lot. There’s not much to be done about the being Canadian part, but the boy is gassier than all get out and sometimes I think I can smell him from here! (As you can see from my address I live in the US.) I did a search to see if there were any products to help Anthony out and…
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Sent: February 6, 2013
My friend Anthony Imperioli keeps wanting to take me hunting. He says, “We’ll kill something big!” He’s Canadian so I think this means caribou, moose, elk, or bear, but I’m not entirely sure, and he won’t tell me! Thing is, I am not certain that Anthony likes me as much as I like him and he’s overly insistent on this hunting trip! I’d like to select a rifle that…
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Sent: January 17, 2012
I have this Canadian friend named Anthony Imperioli, and I was thinking of sending him some of your product. Anthony is nearly legally blind and has quite the hairy hands (if you know what I mean!). He’s constantly complaining about friction burns and hand fatigue. I asked at my local pharmacy if there was anything I could send Anthony to alleviate his discomfort and the old…
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Sent: July 14, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli has a lot of accidents. At least that’s what he says (I think it’s just poor planning on his part!). I’m 10 years older than him and I don’t have any where hear as many accidents as Anthony, so I thought he’d probably benefit from one of your Pee-Wee bags. I was going to send him one of the trial ones, but Anthony is in Canada and last time…
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Sent: April 6, 2011
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re withholding a student’s diploma for her usage of the word “hell.” What a totally shitty thing to do. God damn you’re an idiot. It’s staggering how completely moronic you are! We both know how this ends, right? Start writing that…
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Sent: August 24, 2012
I was checking out the claims of your product and I’ve got a couple of questions I am hoping you can clear up. First, you claim that your product gives “No high whatsoever.” This statement is written like this is not only a good thing, but some sort of selling point.…
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Sent: March 4, 2020
Thanks for opening up a restaurant in Ames, IA. I’ve been quite excited to eat at a Five Guys ever since I saw President Obama ordering some on TV. Your fries and milkshakes look amazing, but sadly, I am one of those people who doesn’t eat beef. I am not militant about it or…
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Sent: March 5, 2020
Have you ever seen the website http://www.abevigoda.com? I check it nearly every single day to make sure you are still alive. I was wondering what it would be like to have a site like this, someplace you could go if you were ever in doubt, and just check! Is it weird to know this…
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Sent: June 9, 2008
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 21, 2011
Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…
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Sent: January 7, 2013
Every year my girlfriend tells me how good the the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is and how it’s a damn shame that they don’t have it in the US. Now, I think America is the greatest country in the world and if we don’t have it then it’s just not worth having. This leaves me in a quandary. Either the Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry is not as good as my girlfriend says or America…
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Sent: September 29, 2010
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
