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An Unanswered Letter to 50 State Security Service, Inc

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

January 24, 2013

50 State Security Service, Inc
915 NE 125th Street, Ste.
106 North Miami, FL 33161

Dear 50 State Security,

I would like a job application. I believe I am probably qualified for the job, and I am tired of Iowa winters! Please send to the above address.

Most days I am quite content with my lot in life. I’ve most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs met (though I am still working on that whole “respect of others” thing). I am only a few steps from becoming self-actualized. In short, I do suffer from a defect in morality. It’s not that I am a bad person, I just tend to want to do bad things to bad people. In my mind this puts me on the side of the righteous! I am sort of like Saint Augustine, “Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo!” To this end I’ve always wanted to be a cop. I tried, but apparently I am too smart to be police. I scored too high on the IQ exam and was told I would be bored with the job. Personally, I think they underestimated my ability to amuse myself!

While security is my second choice I still feel I would be good at it. Sure, I won’t be a homicide detective or anything, but I can stop spending weekends as a costumed vigilante, and instead become a professional security officer (with a real paycheck!). I can’t wait to start keeping the unruly citizens of Florida in line! My references are available upon request.

I only have two questions: Do you offer relocation assistance? What kind of gun will be provided?


Christopher L. Jorgensen


Have a comment? Put a stamp on an envelope and drop it in the mail to:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

Be sure to mention what letter your comment applies to. Adding some cash with your correspondence is a good thing. You can email me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) if you must.

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