An Unanswered Letter to The Children’s Place

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

January 30, 2012

The Children’s Place
500 Plaza Drive
Secaucus, NJ 07094

Dear The Children’s Place,

Recently I acquired a monkey puppet. I would like to imagine it’s life-sized, but I have to admit an ignorance of monkey measurements. This monkey is about the size on an ill-fed two year old human child. I’ve named the monkey “Banana-Sam” after a monkey recently monkeynapped from the San Francisco Zoo (true story!). I plan to use the monkey to make videos making fun of people professing to be social media marketers.

This monkey arrived naked. If I use it to make videos for the internet some people may find this charming, but honestly I don’t need the grief! You know some people out there will take offense at a naked monkey puppet, so I want to fully clothe Banana-Sam the social media monkey. The quandary I am faced with is that Banana-Sam has longer legs than your average two year old human infant. I would like to take my puppet into one of your stores and try on some clothes. I figure some kids have to have unnaturally log legs, but I am afraid I will be turned away at the door, or laughed at, when I present my puppet for dressing!

An adult male, roaming a children’s clothing store with a naked monkey puppet, might arouse suspicion and offend the morality of overzealous clerks enforcing some arbitrary standard of monkey puppet decency on poor Banana-Sam! So can I get a letter that says I am allowed to bring Banana-Sam into your stores?

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen