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An Unanswered Letter to Robert G. Burton

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

January 28, 2011

Robert G. Burton
Chairman, Chief Executive Officer
and Managing Member
100 Northfield Street
Greenwich, CT 06830


Dear Robert G. Burton,

I know fuckall about sports, but I do know a thing or two about assholes, and you sir, are an asshole. I generally find anyone that quotes Billy Graham to be an asshole, but in this case I agree that “the truth helps heal all falsehoods,” so the sooner you accept the fact you are an asshole the sooner you will be able to come to acceptance of your assholehood.

There’s a strong chance that you already know you are an asshole, that you wake, look yourself in the mirror, and in smug satisfaction, say, “That’s an asshole there looking back at me,” but I find this hard to believe. I think it more likely you go about your day to day activities unaware you are an asshole, but this changes nothing. There is no grand philosophical question to be answered here. This is no tree falling in a forest. If an asshole doesn’t know he is an asshole is he still an asshole? The answer is a resounding YES! So whether you know it or not you’re an asshole. I don’t even think there is room for honest debate here. Perhaps a case could be made for you being a douchebag, but that would just be an argument of semantics and a false dichotomy, because being a douchebag does not release you from being an asshole. This is not an either/or argument. You very well could be a douchebag as well, but my expertise in this area is limited. I have no idea if all douchebags are assholes, or all assholes douchbags, so I won’t speak to that, but I will say you’re an asshole, and acceptance of this is the first step to self-awareness.

I am left with one question you could answer, does wealth cause assholishness, or do you have to be an asshole to be wealthy?

You have my permission to pin this letter to the wall next to your bed so you can reread it whenever you are in doubt of being an asshole.


Christopher L. Jorgensen



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Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

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